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December 13, 2016

Menjelang 2017

Mungkin baru tengah Disember tapi memandangkan 2016 ni lari selaju-laju si Bolt, marila kita mengenang kembali.

2016 membawa terlalu banyak kenangan manis yang tak pasti boleh dibawa ke 2017 atau tidak. Yang pasti, walaupun it's a brief moment, I had the time of my life, and it was the happy ones.

Mesej yang dibawa tahun ini ;

- pakai tudung tutup dada; nasihatnya cuma sekali, terpahat berkali-kali. masih cuba yang terbaik untuk istiqomah

- park tayar straight. yang ni berkali-kali diingatkan..tapi masa yang tak dibuat la selalunya kantoi dan dibebel 😅

- bibir kekal basah, jangan kering-kering, drink your water

- makan jangan tinggal; that explains the increase in my weight, which is quite worrying actually

- dan yang lain-lain yang tak terkeluar buat saat ini.

Kini menjelang 2017, macam biasa anxiety and worry akan menyelubungi disetiap saat, lebih lagi dengan pertambahan usia dan stigma masyarakat terhadap gadis lanjut usia yang tak berumahtangga lagi ni. Semoga tenang menghadapi dugaan and percayalah, aturanNya yang terbaik. Go with the flow, kalau itu arusnya, kau tenang dan terus berenang.

Be strong hokay?

December 08, 2016

Doa Yang Susah

Pernah ada doa yang susah?

Like you have a wish that is almost impossible to be granted, but you keep on wishing anyway. So day by day you pray and pray that one day He'll listen.

Doa yang susah juga serve as a reminder to you. Like how I wanted to delay my Zuhur prayer just now and I somehow realized - suruhan yang simple ni pun kau take it for granted lagi kau berharap Dia kabulkan permintaan kau yang bukan-bukan?

Doa yang susah juga mengajar kau kebergantungan total pada Tuhan kerana Dia punya sebaik-baik perancangan.

Semoga suatu hari, ditunjukkan jalan. Doa yang susah ini diberi kesenangan, hati yang gundah ini diberi keriangan. Still trusting your plan, Ya Rabb.

October 29, 2016

A Day With Myself

There are few things that I HATE doing by myself, to name a few :

- eating alone
- going to workshops, because I don't know much about car and I'm always skeptical to these workshop
- driving to KL
- shopping for certain stuffs like handbag, watches, specs, phone. I am quite picky that's why I would stick to one until it became weary

Today I'm not working and don't have any plans yet so I decided today is the day that I would defy my own gravity and do stuffs I hate doing by myself - alone.

Went to a workshop recommended by Kak Diah's dad and luckily I got a pakcik who understand my cluelessness about car. Signs and symptoms I could provide to him are only "dia bunyi ngeng ngeng ngeng time mcm ni, bunyi terkincit time start, bunyi pelik2 bila bawak sekian2". Pakcik was so nice he drove with me and explained possible diagnoses to me. I'll have to send my car during Monday tho since it will take one whole day to diagnose and fix the problem.

That's one thing done.

Suddenly I felt like going for a massage because it has been a while since my last session. My knees are acting up so I thought, why not. Turn on waze and it will only take me 25 mins to reach my favourite massage place so off I went. Reached KL, parked where I always parked.

Since I've driven all the way to KL I thought why not I dropby Sg Wang plaza because my 3 years old watch MIA currently and my other watch is not so comfortable for daily wear because it is quite heavy. I walked from the parking area to Sg Wang plaza and suddenly I felt heavy inside. This is my first time doing this alone. I've always someone to accompany me. At times my girlfriends, most of other times someone else. Tak tipu I felt this one kind of sadness inside.

Strolled around the shopping complex. Was having difficulty to find a decent watch that suit my liking and doesn't empty my pocket. Took me a while but I finally settled for this cheap and basic casio watch. Tak cantek tapi lantakla. Had my quick lunch at KFC, and went for my massage.

Later today I went for myburgerlab fix after weeks of craving. Got Bella to accompany me and did some catching up before I finally went back home..


So today I did almost all the things I hate doing alone. I don't have any other options but to train myself. I won't have everybody that I have forever, in fact most of them are not quite present in my life anymore so I have to stand on my own feet. So this post is an advice I would like to give to myself - suit yourself. Adapt to this loneliness.

I need to work for my own. Entah ada entah tak orang yang nak jaga hidup bersama sampai ke tua jadi kena simpan duit untuk diri sendiri. Kalau ada duit at least boleh masuk rumah orang tua yang berbayar kan? Ada kan rumah orang tua berbayar?

October 21, 2016

Something to be cherished

It was such happy days. Something to add to our memory. I was so delighted I want to pen it down here so I will remember it but I should't, really. Must keep the close-book policy closely. I want to share it to my confidante, to my people, but no..I shouldn't really. So I'm trying my best to contain the memory to myself.

Finally got my belated birthday gift. Thank you for the memories :)

October 13, 2016

Lowkey

I've been meaning to write since forever. Drafted an entry, then let it go stale. Drafted another one, lost my words. So I'll try to make sure this one get posted.


I used to write religiously here but lately I feel like not doing so anymore. For some reason, I'm trying to reduce my openness and for someone like me, that's not an easy thing to do. I used to share almost everything with my people. Somehow I feel like not all would be okay with my choice, and when they started to judge me, I feel frustrated, and I start to distance myself. Rather than burning the bridges with my people, I opt to keep everything to myself. Senang. Not quite sure how long I can do this alone, but I will try my best.


Other than that, I'm beginning to question my life direction. It's really not heading anywhere currently. May one day I found an answer. Soon, hopefully.

September 22, 2016

Tak Sabar Nak Habis

I am so tired, mostly mentally..these days. We are finally presenting next week and currently doing our last minute preparations. Each time we present to the superiors there would be amendments to be done. So end up it looks like a never ending job..or kerja tak siap..depending on who and how you see it.

At certain point I do feel like flippin the table and say that's it I don't want to do this anymore. Tapi of course tu dalam mimpi je lah. At times I hear demotivating remarks that adds salt to the wound. So heartbreaking okay. Dari awal dapat benda ni pun den dah rasa tak best nak buat..pastu tambah lagi dengar benda-benda tak best. Trust me....given the choice I would rather focus on my kerja hakiki rather than doing this.

May God give me strength to keep on doing this and especially to keep my ears, eyes and mouth shut to the surroundings. Moga Tuhan bersama orang yang sabar.

September 05, 2016

Confused

I'm confused. What had happened, happened really...fast. Okay la maybe I was wrong..lain orang lain sensitif point dia maybe I went a lil too far this time.

I apologized because I felt sorry, really. Lepastu ditanya berapa kali dah macam ni..berapa kali nak cakap sorry aku terus terkedu.

Nak jawab ape eh?

Nak biar tak berjawab nanti nampak cam aku emo tapi tak pun.

So jawab "Alright" je. Uhui matilanak macam lagi bole bengang je. Tapi betul la apa lagi bole jawab kan.

I dunno. Lain orang lain sensitif point dia. Kadang aku cakap macam merajuk tapi tak pun. Tapi orang take it seriously. Susah gak ni.

Dah aku membebel panjang sorang-sorang ni. Sebab I'm confused, really.

Down down down down down

I'm down with diarrhoea and nausea and vomitting for the past few days. It all started with a combo of throwing up + diarrhoea on Friday night. Toughened up myself to go to work for a few hours on Saturday and spent the rest of the day having diarrhoea and laid on the bed. Yesterday it was a throwing out fiesta and today, I'm back on diarrhoea. It's okay if it comes with only diarrhoea but at times headache and stomach cramp happens too so it sucks, really.


Anyway lama tak menulis tetiba cerita pasal diarrhoea plak. Lols.


Not enough with the physical pain that I am having right now, I am thrown right on the face of another heartbreaking news. It's about the project that I've been working on at work. We are finally presenting and bammm suddenly we are met with a huge bump. Honestly I'd really like to give up at this point. But giving up would mean having to live with bad names and reputation throughout my stay here (I assume so)


I've always wanted to lay low everywhere I go. I do my work, and that's it. I don't want to be put under spotlight, either the positive one especially not the negative one.


This project, I've been dedicating my time doing it...if it has to be thrown away just like that...what a disappointment.

August 04, 2016

Membanting Tulang 4 Kerat

I got a side job offer this weekend. The pay is not that much, and it's quite far from home. But I've got no plans this weekend...so I'm considering the offer. Asked my friend for an opinion whether I should take up the offer or not, to which she replied ;

"Ambik ja la..kita kena kerja keras supaya kalau kita tak kawen takdak husband nak support kita boleh berdikari"

Panggg terus tertampar realiti.

Hmm. That's the harsh reality that I have to face. I don't know where the future throws me, I might even end up living alone by myself so better get used to work hard and ear my living.

Takpala..kerja ja la. At least ada duit lebih boleh gi urut manjakan diri.


Trusting your plans ya Rabb.

August 01, 2016

Backpain

Sejak dua menjak ni, I've been experiencing a few episodes of acute backpain. Backpain and my job is something quite synonym...but somehow the ones that I've been getting these days is more..painful?


The first episode of excruciating pain was during last Ramadhan. However it was fixed with a bekam session. But at that time it was more of a dull, constant pain that made it difficult for me to bend over to see my patients. The second one, which was last week is a more aggressive one. It started with pain on my left knee  At one point I felt a sharp, shooting pain that I resorted to taking a painkiller injection to get rid of the pain. Haishk..tassuke betul.


Hopefully this pain goes away soon. 

July 17, 2016

Second Half Marathon





Ran my second half marathon after around 4++months I ran the first one. Kali ni lari bawa rendang ketupat nasi impit dan bariyani dalam perot. Aummm

So, I finally let go of my hatred towards Putrajaya and registered for this run. It was a last minute decision tho. They opened a few slots for 21km and for a half marathon, the price is quite cheap. Sebab time register tengah puasa, boring takde patient so I thought to myself.....ala belasah la. Plus I wanted the shirt. Memula macam nak 10km je tunggu orang nak let go bib tapi sebab tamau risk it, belasah la register.

Was I prepared? Honestly yes. Eh yeke. Sort of. Better than the first one la. Trained for a few times..at night during Ramadhan and 3 times last week.

Tapi actually I was quite disappointed with my performance. I could do under 3 hours should I ran with my earphone. Kalini lari kosong tak dengar lagu takleh bajet pace. Bawak dah earphone lepastu terselit dalam bag malas nak korek lepastu givap je lari tanpa lagu. Kahh.. During training longest I could run without stopping was 5km. Tadi 3 km dah malas dah. Tapi in every Km I would run la sikit. Finished at 3:03hour..okayla bolela not bad. Towards the end of the run I almost cried already sebab panas sangat.

I've ran around 260km with my Mizuno..guess it's time to hunt for new shoes!

July 02, 2016

Baju "raya" kita





To be honest I haven't had the raya spirit since Atok Pisah is gone..especially this year, with our main house down to ashes leaving us to the rooms and no main hall to gather. And there will be very few of us going back this year so hurm..sedih la jugak.

Anyway every ramadhan after visiting arwah @ Tanah Perkuburan Ampang we will go to Jalan TAR for annual raya shop. We went there first week of Ramadhan and we were so fortunate because the weather was so good to us. Jalan dari 11-3ptg pun tak ketiak basah okay. Honestly bukan la nak membeli baju raya sangat but more to membeli baju baru pergi kerja because they will be cheaper, and more options. Baju bridesmaid saya pun tahun ni ada la 2 yg fashion meshion bole buat raya so I don't need a "baju raya", really..

So yesterday I showed off my baju baru cum baju beli sebelum raya cum my picture baju kerja..(future baju kerja I mean...) and here goes comments from my critic and I can say my critic is quite legit because he used to always see in my baju kerja before this. So he knows what looks the best on me (or is it what looks the best on me...according to him? Hmm..)


#1 (pink ones, most expensive sebab kurung moden) krik krik..cisss dia tak komen pape maybe tak cantik sebab weols tunjuk gambar camtu tak pakai kot whatever

#2 (cheapest. Ni baju belasahan je) okay la murah. Ni baju raya fashion tahun lepas la kot ye harga murah. Tapi you kalau pakai baju corak-corak camni selalu nampak you mcm lagi berumur. Ouch. Tapi komen diterima

#3 and #4 (the green and and the red one) haa yang ni okay. Hijau tu macam ada songket-songket sikit cantik. Merah ni yang paling lawa la baru ceria sikit. You kalau pakai baju yang plain-plain macamni baru nampak muda..

#5 (ni good deal, baju is only 20 and kain is 39 if i'm not mistaken) approved. Murah. Tapi baju ni tak bawak gi kerja kan?
Kah taktau kenapa takleh pakai gi kerja..

So begitulah kisah baju baru ku.

July 01, 2016

Kandas

Like last year, kandas di penghujung Romdon..Tapi last year sempat khatam sebab lagi 3 hari macamtu. This year tinggal 3 juzu' je. And sempat qiam satu malam je haritu. Ralat sikit malam 21  ngan 25 tu tak terbangun. Haishk. Next year do better, please?


Patutlah perangai super sentap this few days. Anyway I've warned orang yang bakal terkena and my change of attitude has been noted. Kalau tiba-tiba tone berubah tu je mesti ada orang cakap jangan fikir banyak please...heh..sorry la I just can't help myself.


The posts on my fb feeds these days really shaken up my emotion. Dah lah memang tengah tak stable, bertambah-tambah tak stable la bila baca. Everyone is fighting their own battle. Soal jodoh, anak, wang ringgit, semua ni rezeki ketentuan Allah. Lambat atau cepat je. Not gonna lie I'm feeling the pressure day by day. Still praying and hoping He sheds some light on my pathway.


It's July already. I'm dreading actually. Cepat betul tahun ni berlalu. A lot of things have happened since the past few months. Didoakan moga July ini berlalu dengan baik-baik aja. Moga aku tenang sampai kehujung bulan. Especially hujung bulan.


Hai lapar plak.

June 28, 2016

Mood Bergaduh

So I was on my way to work this morning, being bored waiting for the traffic light queue as usual I scrolled through my fb feeds for some entertainment. And I saw a post by a very ignorant lady that trigger my carigado bones. Without knowing my fingers typed a reply to her post. Eceyh without knowing konon.


My carigado supersentap bones are active these few days. Ada je benda nak disentapi. A few days ago I went carigado, and it was later fixed. Lepastu the day after I had a really upsetting dream I went supersentap. Letih orang nak melayan kau nak. Kah..


So lanjutan daripada carigado bones being active this morning, I almost tagged my friends who I found supporting anti vaccine sentiments to a forum that is organized by my senior in Cork. Macam..eiii..kau share articles memacam meh sini kau datang forum pergi tanya straight dekat the specialists. Health DG will be there as well so it is really, the best medium to throw off all your questions. Tapi setelah ditenangkan, I just share it on my wall without tagging anyone. Lels. Bahaya betei mood carigado.


Another hasutan supersentap is to be supersentap towards ahh..ye know, orang yang dah makin jaoh. Yang makin sepi. Makin lama tak sembang share story kongsi hobby. Well, that is life baby. Dah ada komuniti tersendiri own name own fame. Gitulahhhh


Apapepun let's hope this is just a phase. Such a bitchy phase I am in right now.

June 27, 2016

The tale of Antivaxxers

Recently there are "comebacks" and rises in numbers of few diseases that used to be under control. Credits are given directly towards this one group who claimed they are "prochoice" - because they feel their choice is the best, but we simply call them the Antivaxxers/Antivaccine people. Merekalah yang merosakkan "herd immunity" yang selama ni menjaga kemaslahatan masyarakat dari penyakit berjangkit seperti measles, diphteria, pertussis, dan sebagainya. Diorang tak kesian dekat orang-orang yang tak bernasib baik TAK BOLEH divaksin sebab tertentu (ada cancer, immune system terlalu lemah sejak lahir, alahan yang TERUK, memudaratkan nyawa jika divaksin), yang selama ni dilindungi oleh herd immunity.

Ada beza ya TAK BOLEH divaksin dan bermati-matian TAK NAK DIVAKSIN/MEMVAKSINKAN.




So siapa/apa/kenapa diorang ni?


Diorang ni apparently a group of people yang rasa Vaccines do more harm than good. A few points they brought up included - kandungan Vaccine haram, Side effect Vaccine memudaratkan, natural remedies are better than vaccine dan yang paling cliche - Vaccine agenda yahudi free mason illuminati rockefeller blablabla. 


Thing about them is, diorang mainkan sentimen yang paling senang nak lunturkan hati ibu/bapa/melayu/moslem ni. Keluarkan ayat yang ala-ala Islamic sikit, and walla, maka tertariklah beberapa orang yang membaca lantas menjadi penentang kepada Vaccine.


Okay so basically how does vaccine works?  Vaccine ni disuntik untuk provoke sistem ketahanan badan kita untuk wujudkan sistem antibodi against certain2 penyakit. So kita suntik penyakit dalam badan ka apa ni haramjadah yahudi rockefeller freemason betoi - kata PuanBayatiMuzaffor, si antivaksintegar - NO! Kita suntik kuman yang dah dilemahkan/dimatikan, atau just DNA/protein kuman tu dalam kuantiti yang just nice untuk sistem badan kita bangkit. Supaya apa? Supaya kalau, nauzubillah, kita terkena jangkitan dengan kuman tu, body kita dah ada ingatan dan terus boleh lawan kuman tu sebab dah ada memori.


Tapi kandungan Vaccine haram! Ada babi ginjal monyet, fetus, ulat gonggok, anjing guling, babi bakaq cecah air asam - kata Encik AbeBannah, si antivaksintegar .10 vaksin yang diwajibkan oleh Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia - bebas dari kandungan babi. No compromise! Cuma maybe dalam proses pembuatan vaksin tu, untuk kita harvest vaksin tu ia "ditanam" di janin atau ginjal monyet. Haaa tengok dah kata dah haram! Haram! Ada janin! Ada ginjal monyet! Chill, relax. Ni hangpa yang tak vaksin pun perangai serupa monyet pasaipa. This one goes long way to pembuatan vaksin. Tapak semaian je, lepastu kita extract kuman tu, dibersihkan, dijalani proses pemurnian. Bukan nya kita blend monyet tu atau janin untuk dapatkan protein tu..No! Kita harvest, kita semai saja kuman dalam tu, lepastu dah sampai masa, petik.


Nak tanya sikit, awak pernah tak jaga anak eczema? Lepas vaksin terus naik merah-merah. Garu berdarah menangis tak tidur malam merah sana sini tak buleh makan. Eh tau dak anak saya umur 2 tahun tak gosok gigi lepastu gigi luruh tanya pakar dia kata sebab vaksin! - ibubapaconcernantivaccine. Duuudeeeeeeee.. Eczema ni biasanya start dapat bila umur 3 bulan. Dan kebetulan pulak itu la masa baby baru dapat vaccine so logik si antivaxxers ni apa segala penyakit yang dapat - semua salah vaccine! Gigi luruh pun salahkan vaccine kau yg malas monitor kebersihan gigi anak tetiba salahkan vaccine. Diorang ni sangat la mengetengahkan isu AEFI (Adverse Effect Following Immunization) which diorang cakap commonly occurs, and very harmful. AEFI ni bukan senang ye nak disahkan. Bukannya lepas vaccine anak nangis, demam, terus deemed as AEFI, NO! Kena ada nasihat pakar. Kena ada pemantauan. Kena ada siasatan betul-betul. Dan pakcik yang kata anak dia luruh gigi tu (seriously I saw this comment of fb), bawak-bawak la gosok gigi anak jangan nak mengarut sangat la gigi rosak pun sebab vaccine. Haish..


So I've been occupying myself these days on facebook pages and groups that try hard to educate the public. Ni kira usaha diorang nak sedarkan masyarakat kepentingan vaccine. There is this one particular group called "MASYARAKAT KENA TAHU" - that one is one heck of a b*s group. Kau tengok pelopor dia banyak pro benda yang natural, alami, makanan sunnah dan menidakkan vaksin bersungguh-sungguh. Scary thing is diorang ni gunakan agama untuk sokong hujah diorang dan senang buat orang percaya when all they advocate are very confusing. Makanan sunnah is makanan sunnah la, food, supplement, bukannya bergantung sepenuhnya untuk bagi imuniti or bagi kesembuhan. Tak kata makanan sunnah tu tak bagus tapi lagi bagus kalau both makanan sunnah and perubatan moden diamalkan bersama. Yang sorang tu bersungguh perjuankan susu ibu, sampai anak dia umur 2 tahun baru introduce solid food sepanjang 2 tahun tu bagi susu ibu dan susu ibu sahaja. Susu ibu lah vaksin susu ibu lah segalanya - I don't deny the benefits of susu ibu tapi kalau la betul bagai dikata pastinya akan wujud industri mengkomersialkan susu ibu ni habis diorang paksa perempuan untuk mengandung dan melahirkan supaya nak ambik susu diorang. Hey, zaman sekarang semua orang opportunist okay anything marketable they would do. Sama la macam golongan ni yg pumpang pumpang suruh ambik makanan sunnah last-last ayat "PM SAYA UNTUK BELI MAKANAN SUNNAH BLA BLA BLA"



For detailed information of vaccines, please do follow this pages/individuals. They are trying their best to provide answers to almost all questions about vaccines. Dr Suhazeli even go to the extend of getting opinion of golongan agamawan negara kita, lepastu boom dengan agamawan tu antivaxxers label as wahabi/yahudi segala. It's scary how their minds have been infested.





Akhir kata, jagalah herd immunity kita dan terus pagarkan masyarakat kita daripada penyakit-penyakit yang selama ni kita jumpa dalam text book medical atau di akhbar lama saja. Kalau yang dah tercicir vaccine tu pun please go to the nearest Klinik Kesihatan, insyaAllah they will be more than happy to assist you to catch up.

June 24, 2016

Trial 1 feedback





I hate the texture. Read up why it became so densed and will improve it on my next trial..


However I got an okay feedback. Tak pasti la nak menjaga hati ke apa hahah but at least I'm motivated to improve. Kalau orang lain maybe tengok je pun tamau try the so-called cake because it looks very unappetizing..kecik hati. Kah!


Takpa, I will try harder.

June 23, 2016

Kitchen Disaster

I have this special interest and passion towards everything, culinary. I could spend a few hours watching Food Network especially if they have cooking battles like Iron Chef, Chopped, Cutthroat Kitchen and the likes of it. I also like to cook and tryout new recipes. Cooking gives me some sort of peace, but it has to be done when I'm alone  or with people who doesn't question a lot about what I am doing lah.


Influenced by those quick and easy video in facebook by Tasty, Tastemade, ProperTasty etc, I tried to make an upside down banana cake. But baking is never my forte and I kinda hate it. Because you need precision and accuracy, and it doesn't allow you to be creative. Once the ingeredient is off, you are doomed. Unlike normal cooking where I can toss in sugar or salt, lemon or water to balance out the taste.


The kitchen gets so messy during the process which I really hate. When I do my work. I want my station to be clean. Tapi sebab it involves a few ingredients and process, i can't afford to clean as I go like I always do.


My bizarre workstation

One thing we should know about FB videos are they are sped up and they are done by, well, people who have done it a few times. My first batch of caramel was disastrous. My baking pan was too big so I had to alter the portion but when I do it, it was already too late it got hardened and hardened caramel is a total nightmare. I did a second batch, not looking too good but I feck it off and went with it anyway. 

First batch caramel nightmare

Looking from the result of the video I knew some modifications need to be done so I looked through the comments and found the hack. So I followed the instruction but I didn't put enough baking powder so my banana cake turned out a little dense. 

Put it in the oven and prayed it would turn out okay


Looks okay from below


Looks a bit cacat due to the caramel nightmare >.<


The caramel really was a failure. Ada gula yang tak larut, ada part yg it got hardened. I took out the hardened part and melt it out in whipped cream I think I saw one of the chefs did it in one of the tv shows and it turns out yummeh. The cake was dense. Okay to  eat when hot, but not so when it's cold. I'm gonna repeat this cake until I got it perfect because somebody really loves banana cake. Kah..

June 19, 2016

I'm sorry



Pa, I'm sorry.

Adik rindu. Sangat.

Pa, be happy.

June 16, 2016

Pepantai






A few months ago I was kinda ranting how I missed the sea. Alhamdulillah few weeks back I got to go to 4 different beaches within 3 weeks.

I'm a happy camper :D

Waiting for another golden chances like this..

June 15, 2016

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated that I have to take it here before I sleep. I hate it when what I said got misinterpreted. Especially when I have no intention at all to divert from whatever I have said before.

Or could it be I'm a lil too sensitive and overreacting and negative, or the other person is? I don't know.

Anyway..let's just hope I can sleep off this uneasy feeling.

Oh well.

Today I got to break fast with my girls, and it's one precious moment for me, especially after all of them are married now. Makan banyak ketat perot gelak senak perot. However I came back feeling a lil tad too tired, padahal drive gi curve je pun. Dah tua dah aku ni, tak biasa dah drive sendiri malam-malam macam ni dulu ulang alik KL steady je pukul berapa berapa pun. Almost let go of my terawih tonight but I wanted to make sure my azam Ramadhan is alive, so I pushed myself through it.

Speaking about azam Ramadhan...kinda disappointed I don't get to read as much as I hoped so during the day. Busy with slides and treating patients although banyak je pt orang lain yg treat. Sigh. Serabut la slide ni. But I'm on juzu' 13 right now I hope I can keep the momentum up. No intention to brag I just want to compare notes with my progress from last Ramadhan's reading. So far so good I hope I can keep it up.


Semoga hilang perasaan tak best ni dan semoga azam Ramadhan saya tercapai. Amiin.

June 06, 2016

Ramadhan Mubarak!

Pejam celik pejam celik, dah sampai bulan puasa dah. Here we are again, Alhamdulillah blessed with another Ramadhan. The time seems to travel a tad too fast this year. Halfway through it already.


Last Ramadhan I managed to achieve a few targets, I remembered it quite clearly I was still in devastated state. Harapnya tahun ni emosi dah tenang dah stabil takdela tak achieve target pulak ye. I'm also adding up another target for Ramadhan this year. Let's see if I can manage. Ayuhlah berusaha.


Other than that..I'm still stuck with the slides. Plan to revamp the slides and give it a more lively touch tapi apakan daya after 5 days of not working my brain seemed to be a bit rusty. Went for CPD last week in Cherating for 3 days and my mind can't seem to function well. I have been staring to the slides for a while now. Ergh. Let's hope I will be given some enlightenment sooner or later.


I hope I will be able to get as much benefits as possible from this Ramadhan. Make ease Ya Rahman.

June 03, 2016

Test

May 29, 2016

Random ramblings

Fon buat hal. Susah hati ni. Haishk.

Switched off my fon out of protest just now and when I turn it back on it kept on searching for network. Read from the net tried a few tips and all failed :( Kinda foreseeing my phone will be acting up tp kenapala pukul 10 lebih buat hal tau tadi awal-awal dah gi kedai check.

Haishk.

Hopefully esok okay la. Now I'm on the net with wifi. Kalau takdak wifi tak jalan la fon. Sedih.

On the other note, facebook memories reminded of some kind of memories that I went through last year. Around this time one year ago, a few months before and a few months after that I was having quite a rough time. Multiple breakdowns. Cried buckets. Oh those days...


May 22, 2016

Memories of May







Run, hike, wall climb. An advanced birthday celebration surprise. An unfortunate accident. All around a time well-spent.

Memories remain.

May 08, 2016

The Sunday that I have been waiting for

Finally, I've got the rest that I've been longing for since last weekend.


Today all went according to plan. Managed to push myself to get out of the bed this morning to go to Bukit Puchong. There was a heavy rain yesterday so the trail is extra slippery, but I succeeded in doing 2 loops in 2 hours. Kinda miss having a tongkat besar merangkap tukang bawak air tho, but what to do. Bukit Puchong is the place where I do all my thinking when I hike alone. If, let say I went silent or changed my attitude towards anyone suddenly, that's because I might have been thinking about it during my hike. LOL..


Went back home and had my brunch, freshened up and I slept. Yup. Qadha' tidur for the lack of sleeps I had since last Friday.


It's raining cats and dogs outside so I am spending my time on the bed while doing my usual online activities. Nowadays at work when I'm on computer I would work on nothing but the slides. Those bloody slides. Consuming my time and my mind only lah.


Now looking forward for next weekend pula. Heee..can't wait!


May 02, 2016

Hectic weekend is hectic

It is raining outside, and the atmosphere is very sleep-inviting. Being kinda sleep-depressed it is only logical for to me to pull off my blanket and snooze but NO, I have to stay awake so I can sleep early and longer tonight, hopefully. Basuh baju sudah, sidai pun sudah, unpack pun sudah. So here I am, with this post, with half of my mind went to the pendrive that contained my work which has gone missing. Ishk. Susahnya hati.....


It is almost the end of the long weekend, and I have to say, this is one heck of a hectic weekend. I wouldn't want to complaint really because the activities were mostly, happy ones. Just kinda hoped I could do more certain activities compared to the other activities more. However I am still grateful with anugerah masa yang diberikan this weekend. Dapat urut, makan sedap-sedap di weddingss, jalan-jalan,, tengok movie, tido hotel, spending time with my people.


Looking forward to next Sunday before I can rest properly. Nak exercise, lama tak exercise. Esok dah start kerja and we are targeting to present to the boss this week. Hope things go well. 

April 27, 2016

Obsession




If you don't know already, I'm a big fan girl of the X-Men. I can watch the movies repeatedly and still enjoy it.

X-men Apocalypse is coming out this May and I am so, so, so, excited. Tazzzabarrrr nak tengok. I know I will make a big fuss out of it nak tengok wayang paling selesa paling best paling awal paling semua lah. Hmm but wondering who would be my movie date this time.

Oh well, I can just go alone kalau takde org teman.


Soooo essaaiteddd

April 24, 2016

Of doa dan pasrah

All I need to do now is pray and keep on praying. May He sheds some light on my way. May He grant me the strength that I needed.

Whatever comes may, saya pasrah.

April 23, 2016

Off my braces!


I am off my braces after almost 4 years. Who would have thought eh? Ingatkan pakai setahun dua je. Still obsessed with my braceless teeth. Sikit-sikit nak tengok cermin.


However I am so annoyed with the retainer nak cakap pun susah. But I need to be compliant, kena istiqomah pakai. I'm a bimax procline case so chances for relapse is quite high. Senang cerita kalau tak pakai retainer ni nanti gigi gerak balik la. Gitu. Harap-harap la berjaya bertahan..


I still need to get my gingivectomy done..have to wait around a month or two till my gum settles. Cacat sikit gusi gigi depan tu sebab dulu penah patah gigi tu and dia macam intruded ke dalam my incisor. Takpela 4 tahun leh tunggu sebulan dua ni apedehal sangat la..

April 20, 2016

Bersyukurlah

Untuk kesekian kalinya, haishk, stressnya banyak kerja.


When I choose my career, my innocent mind went to think all my work will revolve around patient and none of them would haunt me post working hours. Boy, I have never been so wrong in my life. Juggling this project in between seeing patients, my mind gets tired really easily. Kadang-kadang tu nak consult patient pun I lost words.


Being the lead of the project, I tried to make sure everyone is not..unhappy. Kau banyak kerja? Fine takdehal, saya buat. Takleh nak edit video? Takpe, saya buat. Slides kena amend? Okay saya buat. I just want this whole thing to be done and over with. The annoying thing about this project is the courses that I have to go. Last week ada satu. Next week there's one more. And I really hate courses, I'd rather be busy with my kerja hakiki than doing this. This will last at least until end of July. Lamanya la lagi nak hadap. Erggh..


Last weekend I had my escape trip down south. It wasn't a fun,suka-suki one I didn't even take a single pictures. It was more of a...entahlah I dunno how to explain trip. Had some catching ups with a few people. Well, this trip has taught me to be grateful of where I am right now. Had I stayed there, I bet I would be more depressed than ever. This also reminded me of someone who supported me the whole 2 years I lived there and for that, I am forever grateful to him. Didn't get to eat my favourite kacang pol, wanted to drag around Piqa here and there but she's 6 months pregnant. My 2 bestfriends that I apit dedua dah on the way to becoming a mommy, Alhamdulillah.


Missing someone but at the same time bengang jugak marah jugak. zzzzzz

April 17, 2016

I need my vitamin sea







Three years since I left Perhentian but still can't move on from its beauty. Initially I wanted to plan a trip there to go somewhere in April but for some reasons I had to scratch off that idea.


One day insyaAllah.

April 14, 2016

Kena Tinggal

Today we had a course which included DIY Massage as one of the topics. It was so interesting that it got me thinking to get a diploma in physiotherapy. Nahh..diploma terus kau, takde nak amik kursus sampingan ke apa. Kahkah. But what about my ambition to pick up a culinary course? Will I be able to achieve both of my dreams?


In the end I thought to myself, takpela den bolaja urut and masak sendiri lepastu praktik dekat laki sendiri je lah. Eh. Ado laki ko? Takdo? Ah, that's another dream almost seems so far away from me.


Anyway, well, minggu ni, I'm not going to middle-of-nowhere for the volunteer work. Tried to find another escape plan. I wanted to go to one of the islands in Johor but considering how scorching hot the weather currently is, I zip off the thought. Elok nak pergi tenangkan diri nanti duduk tepi pantai panas terbakar pastu emo sendiri. Last-last duduk bilik je baik aku duduk hotel kat mana-mana. But no, I can't. Duduk hotel sendiri pun nanti bosan. Bosan boleh mengundang pelbagai perasaan. Kahkahkah. So I might be heading down south to meet Piqa. Lama dah tak catch up. Lagipun rindu kacang pol and mi rebus ZZ. I will depend on my mood, tabah hati ku jauhlah perjalanan melangkah.


I am making such a big fuss about this weekend I hope the other side tak fed up dengan gwe. Mengada terok! Sejak bila jadi mengada pun den taktau. Lebih memalukan, he knows. It's okay and it's kinda normal if I go crazy by myself but in this case he knows. That's the thing. Almost every single thing that bothers me, he knows. And we talked about it. Malu gak kekadang sebab you know, I got upset about silly things sometimes. We shared the same sentiments on a few things and that made me really, really glad. Had a heart to heart talk a few days ago and it made me cry just thinking of the unhappy ending. The very first time ever that I sobbed heavily at him, before this maybe mata bergenang je.


Things have been pretty okay eventhough I had a rough few days earlier this week. Moga yang baik-baik aja pada hari yang bakal berlalu. 

April 12, 2016

Kena marah

Untuk menambahkan lagi efek malang minggu ni bak jatuh ditimpa tangga, harini iols kena marah dengan...customer. *bunyi petir sambil menangis dalam hati*


It's been a while that I encounter such an event. Since I started working as a professional, I think I had one unfortunate event that people I dealt with tetiba mengamok due to misunderstanding. Time tu kerja kat JB tapi tu mmg deal dengan orang tak rasional la. Menggeletar kena marah okay. Tadi pun menggeletar :((


It broke my heart when I was accused of something I didn't intend to do. I might not be the gentlest practitioner but what I do I think was necessary. Apalah nasib ku dapat orang sebegitu tp sebab aku pun tgh mode2 sedih dan sugul, I didn't retaliate. Instead I let her finished her words before I started speaking. In the end, all went okay, she was calmer. Tapi hatiku yg terobek masih terkesan tak pepasal kena marah.


Luckily kebetulan ada satu makhluk berada dalam kawasan untuk membantu mengurangkan kesugulan. We had lunch together adalah tempat mengadu domba. 


We wore similar colour today by accident. Dia dari awal masuk kereta dah tuduh cakap iols meniru. Boleh pulak time nak bayar akak tu cakap "adik-adik yg pakai sedondon ni" lagi laaa makhluk tu bertambah semangat cakap kita obses dengan dia sampai pakai baju pun nak sama. Kuassam. Dia taktau dilema aku tetiap malam fikir nak pakai baju apa so main sauk je la iron memana. 


April 11, 2016

Rezeki

Rezeki comes in many forms. Wang ringgit, jodoh, kebahagiaan, rasa senang, pekerjaan and so on.. It also goes closely dgn kesyukuran, keberkatan. Ada satu hari I did something that hmm rasa macam mengurangkan keberkatan kerja, anxious to wait for my punishment, and here I am mengenangkan rezeki yang berkurang tu.


I have been upset about a few things ni. I am unhappy of something, I admit partly I was wrong but I am not happy the way the other side handles it. Apologized and admitted my mistake. Tapi entahlah I am still unhappy but I am stuck with limited options to go with.


Forgive me of my wrongdoings ya Rabb. Ease my way, clear my mind and my head.


When I feel shitty like this I would lie on my bed scrolling at every single things scrollable in the social media. Bila tengok gambar orang happy kadang rasa happy kadang rasa irihati, tengok gambar kucing rasa nak picit, tengok gambar baby rasa macam awww nak satu please..and because I have been following a few fitness account I saw a few pictures orang tengah exercise. Terus rasa motivated turun bawah skipping 500 and did some abs exercise. Hope ada la rezeki nak kurus dan fit nanti. Kahkahkah..


Baru isnin ni. Rabu nak present. Selasa esok kena setelkan slides. Khamis kursus full day. Jumaat present lagi. Sabtu ahad isnin selasa bakal tak dilayan. Banyak lagi nak tempuh okay? So chill lah. Hang in there wonderwoman.

April 10, 2016

Bebelan malam tak berapa nak minggu

Entah kenapa semalam for some reason, hati digerakkan untuk check for something. Stalking mode on, and bammm I got my answer. No wonder I don't feel good about it. My instinct is kinda strong for certain things.

On a few things that I really hmm..want, I will make doa, show me lead me. Take it away from me if it's not meant for me. He listens, but He answers differently. One by one He shows me why it doesn't work on certain things.

One day someone ask me, why did I went for that decision, honestly I do not have the answer. But every single day I make doa to show me the way and my instinct have yet to tell me to go away so here I am, here to stay. One day, perhaps one sweet day, I will get my answers that I've been looking for.

In the meantime, let's just go with the flow. Despite not having certain people who are close to me anymore in my life, I still have a few ones who cares. No need to disturb other people's busy life let me just live my own. Doa mereka bahagia, moga yang baik-baik aja.

Taktau apa lagi nak bebel, banyak sebenarnya membuak-buak nak tulis. Tapi taktau macammana nak explain. Esok lusa la kalau dapat ilham.


Minggu mencabar ni esok. Tak jadi nak pergi volunteer work. Nak present. Ada kursus pulak. Ada deadline. Ada nak kena tinggal :(( Banyak kerja + kurang kasih sayang bakal mewujudkan hati yang resah gelisah. Moga yang baik-baik aja minggu ni, insyaAllah.


April 06, 2016

Not your typical drama

I don't watch a lot of tv dramas these days because they are kinda typical. Kalau kebetulan I am free and am doing nothing I would watch tapi takdela tahap struggle nak jugak tengok kalau tak sempat.


But there's one drama that made an exception - Cinta 100kg. Not your typical perempuan cantek bersama lelaki handsome, salah satu kaya, tentangan keluarga, perempuan jahat menggoda. Nope. It's one kind of a drama that carries stinging satires about Malaysians in general. Sarat dengan sindiran.


As the title implies, the drama doesn't revolve around typical novel-like plot. One of the issue that was highlighted in the drama was about body image. The main characters are 3 women with different perception of their own body image. Yg sorang chubba chubba, yg sorang kuruih kering, yg sorang just nice just nice tapi kadang nak jadi gemok kadang nak jadi kurus sebab dia rasa dia direject oleh lelaki sebab dia either tak cukup gemok or tak cukup kurus.


Apart from that ada la a few issues like our people obsession with so-called health products that claims to kuruskan/putihkan/gemokkan. Lepastu gender biased in certain jobs yang mana perempuan cannot do certain tough jobs like being a mechanic. Isu orang kita suka meng-cheese-kan everything pun ada. Kahkahkah. Itu memang win.


Another issue that caught my eyes really was the struggle of a chubba chubba woman to find the right man. Tapi dalam cerita ni not quite la cam senang je dia dapat laki. But she was dumped by her pilot bf of 8 years for a stewardess. Of course that made her question her self esteem and everything and self esteem is an issue that is very close to my heart.


JAGA-JAGA KEKNAD NAK TUKAR TOPIK SECARA TIBA-TIBA


Talking about this series made me reflect upon myself. Yup, I'm a chubba chubba girl but I'm trying my best over here to beat masyarakat's perception that all we know is eat and only eat. I run, I hike, I want to prove I can move more than the hot girls do. Ceyh bitter benar bunyinya. I'm turning 3 series next year and still not quite sure of my path, and still...single. Not gonna lie the pressure from stigma masyarakat to not yet married woman turning 30 is  kinda choking. And of course it gets pretty lonely too sometimes.


I met a few guys. Ada yang I know is pretty serious but I felt that we didn't really click. I tried, but I just can't. So I just flew away just like that. Feels sooo guilty I left just like that. Certain people must have said eh kau ni memilih sangat la but what can I do. Takkan sebab I am not a typical hot girl I can't be choosy. I am also the kind of person whose instinct is kind of strong and I know who I can tolerate and who I can't. Kalau malas nak layan, mmg aku tak layan dah.  Ada juga yg I am okay, getting along well and all of a sudden hilang macam tu. Kena karma agaknya kahkah. And also, ada juga yg fits my criteria so well but there are certain circumstances that complicate things.


Apapapun I am still very much single and still waiting for the one. Yes, I feel left out. But no, I won't settle for just anything just because my situation looks desperate. Tapi if you are a person who is worth the wait, I am your girl who would sacrifice and be patience as long as you promise your worth.

Gittew.

Back to the drama, well, it airs on Friday, Saturday and Sunday at 7pm, sometimes I have to miss out certain episodes so I went to Tonton to watch the rerun. Saya. Bukak. Tonton okay. Rare ni seorang saya sanggup nak catch up macam tu sekali. Kahkahkah..


Kbai. Still trusting your plans, ya Rabb. 

April 03, 2016

My favourite event :)








I think Hulu Langat Trail Run is becoming another favourite event of mine.

The trail this year is very much lenient compared to last year. They scratched off 2 parts that caused the bottleneck of participants which was the steep hill (that we need to use rope to get up) and another narrow area. The river crossing too wasn't as deep as last year although we had to run through a few watery area as compared to one deep river last year.

Due to the reduced bottlenecked area and the fact that I have someone who ran along with me most of thr time, I clocked in around 1:40 ish as compared to 2:30 last year. Didn't track my time because they have the timing chip this year so i'll just wait for the results soon.

Was supposed to run with Zack but since she's getting married soon and need to jaga muka and all, I got someone else to tag along. Cuak jugak if slowed him down because I never ran with anyone before I usually run on my own even kalau dgn Zack pun kita jumpa awal and akhir je. But it turned out well..I managed to push myself at few spots with the help although I had stomach cramp towards the end.

Definitely will join it again if time and space permits. InsyaAllah :) Lari sorang pun takpe, saya bole belajar.

April 02, 2016

Out of focus





I'm in the middle of a class actually. It has been a while since I last attended a full day lecture so after lunch hour, my concentration is trailing apart.


My mind started to fly away. Planning what to cook for breakfast tomorrow. Where do I wanna go next. Nak pergi beli barang. Nak shopping. Planning to bake a butter cake. Baru teringat someone likes cake and icecream so wanted to make it before he goes away for the new job.


I was fighting to stay awake so I started to scribble away. Back then when we were young and childish, whenever we like someone we will calculate our compatibility using our names. I did his name first and it returned 91% and when I did my name first it returned 100% Kahkahkah if only this is true..

April 01, 2016

I need a therapy.

I. Am. So. Sleepy.

Fighting to stay awake in my second job. I already ran out of things to stalk in the internet that I started to stalk, hmm certain people. And when I stalk, I became disappointed and upset that's why I tried my best not to stalk.


Perempuan. Memang masalah.


Still in my dilemma to get my therapy. In my mind either I go for swimming or get a full body massage. I'm too chickened to have my overnight stay at KL to go to my favourite massage parlour. Nak cari yang dekat dengan rumah macam sayang they are either too expensive and I might end up getting a disappointing massage. Dekat KL memang dah bayar prepaid I've got few more visits to go. Hihi.


One hour to go before I finish my shift. Hang in there wonderwoman.

March 30, 2016

Of hopes, and more hopes

Pagi ni macam biasa je semua. Pergi lunch macam biasa. Macam biasa. Mengada-ngada macam biasa.

It was all good until he uttered "I'm gonna miss you"

Then reality hit me. Feck. This is going to be our last lunch isn't it?

Ciss terus down mood aku. Dahlah tengah macam minggu hormon kurang stabil ni.

My dear teman memerah otak cari tempat lunch, pergi beli cendol, cari kuih dan air sedap dan tido tepi tasik, pengecheck panjang kuku serta luka-luka, I am, really gonna miss you.

What comes next, I don't know. The thought of seeing you less is already hurting me sedih teman nak memikior lebih. I can only pray, and hope, and keep on hoping some light will shine upon us.

Rasa nak duduk bawah selimut teriak nyanyi biarkan aku menjaga perasaan ini owwwww..menjaga segenap cinta yg telah kau beriiii..engkau pergi aku takkan pergi, kau menjauhhh aku takkan jauhhh..kahkah haremjadah..

Another obstacle, if we survive, Alhamdulillah.

Istajib du'a ana, ya Allah

Soalan Paling Susah Dalam Dunia

..........is MAKAN MANA/NAK MAKAN APA?

Aku dah google setengah jam ni still tak boleh decide nak makan apa. Kahkahkah..



Addendum - Tapi maybe lepas ni tapayah google dah. Sendiri saja semua. Hmm..

Angin kus-kus sudah mari. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


March 28, 2016

Keterbiasaan

Sakit hati betul lah cable ni. Dua-dua pun nak kaput. Charge before tido bangun-bangun 60% je. Takpelah nanti pergi kerja pinjam mai punya. 

Pergi kerja. Mulakan hari macam biasa.

You. Nak cable wire tak. 

Such a right timing.

******

Lunchtime.

Pass cable.

Memang perangai anak bongsu betul la. Cakap je nak beli, tak beli-beli. Last-last yang sulung jugak la yang kena tolong.

Ciss..takde point nak retaliate. Indeed, niat nak beli cable ni dah lama dipasang tapi tak terkabul-kabul.


Lepas lunch, ada orang perangai buruk sengaja tak ambik tisu nak lap, sebab dah target nak lap dekat baju dengan tudung. Seronok dia lap tangan dekat baju siap lap mulut dekat belakang tudung ni. Geram punya pasal pergi basahkan tangan lagi untuk serang balas,

Masuk kereta.

Esok I takleh lunch dengan you tau. Ada hal dengan client. 


Sobs. Minggu terakhir ada teman lunch. Jumaat ni pun dah takde. Next lunch I don't know when. Hopefully not too long.

*****

"I taknak you lenyap"

That was kind of a reassurance, the sentence  that was desired.

Although there are a lot more things that could go complicated, more pain to swallow. Yang dah jadi ni pun kadang-kadang sedih mencucuk.. May Allah grant the strength and the solution to follow.



March 27, 2016

Overthinking


Apart from work stuff, there are also things that make me think too much lately. I wanted to discuss it with someone but I hesitated at first. So aku kasi mukadimah Jumaat malam telling him I wanted to say something but will only let him know today. He got irritated but waited anyway, tapi dalam hati I wish I could just brush off the urge to discuss it with him that's why I delayed the matter.


I kept thinking on and on and on since last Friday how do I address my concern. To the point that I wake up at night getting bad dreams and all. We discussed something similar before but he was the one who brought it up.


I think I might have got a lil bit too attached. I think. I signed up for a volunteer work at God-knows-where on the weekend he'll be away  because the thought of it just made me sad. I could be having a holiday for myself too but I wanted to go somewhere with no phone coverage so I won't be having any expectations.


Today he claimed back the unanswered issue I wanted to discuss last Friday. A bit persuasive and he got a lil bit angry so I got a lil scared. Tried to distract as best as I could until something happened that led to the topic being opened. However it was a lil bit too late because we were already close to my house so we extended our discussion in texts.




A little relieved you made the call. All I need is a reassurance. That's it. That's all.


March 24, 2016

Affairs summed up





Last night out wearing my new top I bought online. Always so careful to buy without trying but I gave this top a go and loved it! Loving the shape but the material isn't equinox-friendly.

Out for a movie that kinda disappoints me because of the messy plot. But I got to see Wonderwoman in action so I'm one happy girl. Plus, it's a very rare occasion to have a night out like this.

Today's lunchtime we went to our go-to place when we don't have any idea to go. Simple nasi ayam kunyit goreng but the idea of serving as many nasi/ayam goreng kunyit you want for only RM6 with water is really satisfying.

Because we still have almost 50minutes to spare before lunch hour ends, we decided to just chill by the lake. Someone called me Michelin haremjadah punya orang but I take it as a motivation siap la kau cey padahal diet kelaut exercise kelaut. Took a picture of his kungfu panda tummy.

Can I say goodbye? Can I or can I not?

March 23, 2016

Tired

My body is very, very tired. 

We've been getting a lot of..customers these days. Penatnya hanya Tuhan yang tahu. A good massage will do me really good now. Entah bila la nak pergi. To expect me to go there by myself..satu perjuangan tu. Maybe one day I should book a hotel in that area. Lepas urut terus gi balik hotel tido rehat-rehat. Ni lepas urut nak kena drive lagi balik..hilang dah nikmat. Hmm. Yup. Maybe I should do just that. Tapi bila tu I don't know. Haihhh penatnyeee nak nangis rasa dia.

Happy this 2 weeks ada teman lunchdate almost everyday but not for long. Hmm..sedihnya. 


There's something that I want to write about but I do not know how to express it. Tatau la nak cakap camne..

Letih la letih tau tak. 

March 18, 2016

Turun Naik Happy Tak Happy

Turun naik turun naik graf happiness gua this week.


When it comes to work mulelah graf mendadak turun. But I'm happy there are certain things that have ended. I hope things will go smoothly from now onwards. However my project is kinda stuck at the moment because I am really serabut this week and I ran out of motivations. Hope I get back my drive next week..


However on the other place there are few changes that makes me..unhappy. Tapi sebab keadaan ekonomi sekarang tak betul and I need the extra money, hadap je la. I might need to take up extra days to cover..tapi kepenatan dia Tuhan saja yg tahu.


We made it to 5/5 of seeing each other this week. I am one happy camper but not for long..this might be the first and last one since he'll be taking up a new job and it won't be as flexible as his current job. As of now he is my current escapism..my happy place although I don't know for how long or where are we heading. Even though there are times dia buat aku geram rasa nak cubit kecik-kecik sampai berdarah, but most of the time he makes me smile. All those silly things we did when we spend our time together..they distract me from thinking of all the worries and sadness that I am actually in..

Hmm..

March 14, 2016

Aiyaiyai

Hey mamasita aiyaiyaiyaiyai

Boleh tahan frekuensi iols mengepost kesini sejajar dengan keserabutan otak dan kesesakan kerja. Ah. Ini je la tempat iols mengadu domba kan.

Rabu ni one event down. Cuak jugak lah sebab food mainly iols yg carik. Hope berjalan lancar. Nasib la catering ayah kakdiah ada. Siap dapat harga adik beradik lega dengar. Slides dah siap. Hope majlis berjalan lancar.

Kerja nan satu tu stuck sebab kena buat video. Haih. So touch up la slides sana sini while waiting for ideas to come. Kalau la ada rezeki terlebih seronoknya kalau boleh bukak klinik sendiri. Tp ilmu pun belum cukup ni. Hmm. Takpe la doa lagi. Doa kuat semoga dimudahkan..

Geram punya pasal iols bagi gelaran pakjib dekat pokcik tu. Tadi pun macam emo tak emo happy tak happy geram tak geram. Lepastu cubit kecik2 dekat urat dia sampai dia mengaduh. Puas hati. Padan muka.

Tsk. Nak lari membawa diri sepi minggu ni cuti sekolah pulak. Konfem sesak. Tapi tengoklah kalau seteress terok kugagahi redahkan jua.

March 13, 2016

Something wrong somewhere

Lama dah tak menangis sampai sakit kepala. Apekejadah sangat perangai tah. Kahkahkah.

Tapi bila kaji punca sebenarnya tak ada apa pun. Maybe sebab tengah minggu lepas hati terguris belum pulih datang pulak kesedihan ni pulak kan. Oh well, biasala iols kalau emosi memang gini. If you survive this turbulence, you kinda pass the test la kot kan. If not, hmm, well...takde rezeki lah kot kan. Come to think of it again, it just happened at a very wrong time. Time where I needed a support the most sebab dihimpit pressure sana-sini, and things happened.

Bertabahlah duhai hati. Hope esok iols bangun emosi kembali okay. Apelah perangai tak chill langsung.


March 12, 2016

A goodbye...or not?

After managed to train my tastebud to accept grilled lamb, someone is quite determined to get me into eating taugeh. Yup, I am one of that person who hates taugeh and would spend my first 5 minutes of taugeh-ed food isolating them.

So one day someone packed a lunch for us and told me he got me taugeh as the lauk. I said nevermind, I can always remove them like I always do. Mulelah keluar perangai dia cakap nak paksa masukkan dalam mulut la nak paksa kunyah la. Memang dasar...btul perangai. Kah.

As I opened the food wrapper I was glad to see no taugeh was there. Only tapau-ed nasi Hakim. Hakim. The place where we first met :') He was laughing at me and blurted "haa..cuak kan ada taugeh" Cis betul. Paksa makan keli kang baru tau..

I am going to miss silly moments like this....

Lately there are things that got me upset pretty easily and that's just some signs of me getting a little too attached. I'm scared. I really am.

I have started to buat perangai delete the number so I appeared like I have blocked you from whatsapp (because my DP, my last seen and my status are only for my contacts). And then I switched off my whatsapp. Tapi tadi I had to contact somebody so I switched on my whatsapp and not long after that a message from him came in. Is it a coincidence? Or have you been waiting for me to go online? Ergh. I don't like when I started to behave like this. Macam tak chill betul.

Amende la yang aku mengarut ni.

My trains of thoughts are really haywire now. Tomorrow Imma go hiking and try to calm the fuck down. And I am going to decide whether it's time to back off and say goodbye, or not..

March 09, 2016

My Milo Icecream







I've been pretty tight this week. Entahlah. Banyak betul cabaran mendatang. And it sorta created a dominos effect where I perceived everything is pretty fucked up now.

Entahlah. I really don't know.

Also with someone, for some reason macam terasa sangat-sangat dengan dia. Just me being perempuan emo like that. Rasa macam ish terasa tapi tatahu nak cakap cammana. Maybe I should tone it down or just backoff. I don't know.

Tapi td petang he came to pass me a few things to be settled. And he brought me a Milo icecream. Baruu je lepas lunch terdetik dalam hati alangkah bestnya kalau ada icecream milo disaat matahari terik ni. Masuk kereta hati panas-panas when I saw the icecream I couldnt help by smile. Macammana boleh tahu ni...lepastu siap cakap "taktahulah icecream ni bole buat you happy tak" kahkah...gila tak happy tapi mana boleh tunjuk..


Really hoping things clear up and my fucked up emotions go back to normal soon. Times like this I just need a hug and some reassurance that things will be fine. Takpayah tolong selesaikan masalah just be there for me is enough...

March 08, 2016

Me-Time

I think it's time for me to slowly back off from everyone and build my own cocoon. Now that all my bestfriends are safely in the hands of their partners, I think I've got to learn to live on my own.

Pergh macam sedih betul bunyinya kan.

I seriously need some time off to rest. I have been unwell for almost a month and it's starting to make me worry. It's not showing any signs of getting better either. In fact, my throat hurts so bad yesterday rasa nak cabut je lepastu rendam dalam clorox.

However, I still have a few things at work I need to make sure the progress is good. On one hand we are organizing a farewell next week. On the other hand we need to start working on the recorded SOP  and check the progress of the system. Get this 2 hands washed up and cleaned, I think I can have my break peacefully. Lagipun nak kena kumpul duit sikit so boleh lari hilangkan diri kemana-mana kejap.

I think while waiting for the right time for a break, I need to give myself some loving. Nak urut. Nak buat hair treatment. Nak shopping baju. I hate doing all of this alone. But I think I have no choice but to learn. But all of this need money so I need to work hard first.

I can do this. Yes I can. This feelings too, shall pass.

March 07, 2016

Me, today


March 06, 2016

My first half marathon













I can't sleep despite waking up at 4 this morning and having a deadly tired body after running my first half marathon. Yes. I did it. My first.half.marathon. Freaking 21km Half Marathon!

In 2014, I ran my 1st 10km run in Malaysia Women Marathon. So it's only appropriate to run my first HM in the same event too. Plus it has been 3 years that I "opened" my running event with MWM.

However I was having doubts before this event. I am still having my cough and flu. So it's no fun to lari with hingus-hingus. I was also kind of sleep-deprived this week. I think I slept around 4 hours only each night this week. I was deadly tired. Given a better condition, I kinda think I can go to the run with no doubts because I managed to do a 16km trail run last year so I think I can do it.

Asked around my friends. I did not train at all. Adelah pergi naik bukit puchong but max tu 7km sahaja. A few encouraged a few diacouraged.

The night before I prepared the essentials despite being half-hearted for the run. I had no appetite to eat but forced myself to eat some carbo that nite because I didn't quite eat at Wani's wedding. Took cough syrup to help me sleep but I only shut my eyes at 10 when I actually wanted to sleep at 9. Mind you I slept at 1 am and woke up at 5 that day before. I clocked my alarm at 4am and let destiny decides. Kalau bangun, then I will go.

I woke up to the alarm this morning. Snoozed until 4.20. Showered and still dont feel like going because I was too sleepy and tired. Forced myself to eat 2 spoons of rice and fried egg for energy. Took banana, milo kotak and had to resort to taking my highly caffeinated fat burner although I know I will be getting trouble to sleep this whole day like how I am right now. Placebo effect or not, I dont think I can run 21km without the energy.

Drove to Dataran Shah Alam. And I finally ran my first HM. I was okay at first until my mucus started to overflow. Dahla lupa bawak tisu. So I had to breathe with my mouth which I think made me easily tired. The cut off time was 1h30m for first 10km, 2h25m for km15 and I think 3h30m for the HM. Managed to clock in my fastest 10km which was 1h20m. Water station was good. Andddd ada lucozade my favourite isotonic drink back in Ireland! Hehe..

The surau was stationed at km11++ so I don't think I can make it before Subuh ends. Thank God at LKSA toll I saw a few runner prayed at the side so I joined them. Bila lagi oiii nak solat atas jalanraya kat Malaysia ni yg kat LPT tu pun diorang solat kat tepi je kan. So at km7.65 I stopped for Subuh.


My strategy was..run for the first 5 songs (i run with my earphones). And then run for 1 song and walk for 1 song until I can't take it anymore then only I walk. Managed to catch up with the 3hr pacers but my body started to give up at km17. My back was hurting. I can start to feel that my leg will go cramp so I walked for the last 4km with very very very minimal run.

Clocked in 3h8m according to my Nike running+ apps for 21km and finished the route at 3h15m because it went slightly over 21km...the route was 21.8km and yes, 800m does make a difference when you are so tired liddat.

After finishing line I kinda teared inside because I didnt think i can make it and I was so tired and also it was so painful to walk with blisters on my toes.

Alhamdulillah. New achievement unlocked :D

March 01, 2016

Not a good day

I slept with stuffy nose and itchy throat last night. Woke up not feeling quite well, I decided to do a blood test. Alhamdulillah all returned okay.

Today has not been a good day I think. I know largely it's hormonal. So I shouldn't ride on the emotional wave. But can't help it. Nak nangis dah ni stress dia. Workload piling up. A few other things need to be settled.

Lepastu meet up cancel. Bagai memerah asid ke luka berdarah sakit dia.

But I thank God for giving me a friend whom I can regard as my parachute and my umbrella on rainy days. Hopefully I could lessen my stress later. I know I don't share my stories with him like how I shared stories with my girlfriends, but at least I could use some distraction from all of my problems. Dapat lepak melantak tengok movie pun jadilah.

Also I thank God I survived another financial turbulence. Kahkah. Last month when I promised to gift something for a friend and make a few hundred ringgits purchase la things happened. Langgar moto la, kena bayar rumah la, bayar duti setem la. Selalu camtu tau. But I'm glad I made it walaupun tercungap.

An escape. An escape. An escape.


Badly need one. 

February 27, 2016

Cari Gado







I have been eating like crazy this week. Got frustrated over little things. Got a lil too emotional over certain things. And very fidgety to cari gaduh. Kalau dulu rasa macam there are a lot of things I can try to cari gaduh, but now...not quite.

I have been slightly bitchy last Thursday with someone. The other side noticed until he said "apa yang you tak puas hati ni meh la cakap" Kahkahkah. I kept on avoiding the question. So I think he kinda guessed already that I'm around that tine of the month.

Still in the mood to cari gado, I just blurted out to him to which he replied as below. Kahkahkah. Be careful with what you wished for okay!

February 23, 2016

Planning isn't my forte anymore :(

Last 2 weeks have been one of the most hectic weeks I had. I was kind of busy with stuff at work and I was down with cough and cold. And I had another big task which is planning for Wani's bachelorette partayy. All this combined has put me under big pressure. 

Tried my best to settle the major task. Place, cake, decorations. But problems kept on coming in and out until that very Saturday when we are supposed to meet. I was still unwell that Saturday. Received a not so good news that morning. I had to go to work. After work  I rushed to buy groceries and rushed home to prepare roti daging and baked macaroni for the partay because I was afraid there won't be any food. I was so exhausted and a lil bit disappointed with myself I felt I did not do my job well :/

That evening I just couldn't handle it anymore and then came superman to console me. Initially I was all okay...we went to grab a bite, chit chat but when I was sent home, I teared a bit. I tried to hide my tears but superman found out anyway kahkah hilang macho. Felt better when I let it out. Takde apa pun maybe I was just too tired and was still unwell. 

That night we went to Regalia with whoever that could make it. Had some catching up, main urut-urut and I was down by 3am. 




 Alhamdulillah, the partay went okay walaupun macam taktau pun apa nak buat. Cake turned out great. Food was adequate. And I was just so happy I get to meet them girls. Hope the celebrated person felt happy despite all the defects and the fact that the event was very not smooth. Takde games. Takde saprais. Sigh. I knew I could do better if I wasn't unwell and wasn't too caught up with stuff at work :(


February 18, 2016

Slow day

What a slow day at work.

And I'm still not at my top condition. Tak apalah. Sakit penghapus dosa-dosa kecil kan. Berlambak dosa tu lagi nak carry at least yang kecil-kecil dah hapus ni okaylah kot. But I do hope I gain my 100% recovery soon. Pagi-pagi bangun with cracked lips, stuffy nose. Feeling nausea the whole day. Very the unpleasant one.

For some reason I'm feeling...empty. Taktaulah kenapa. Haish. Rasa macam empty gila hidup ni. Like I don't have any new achievements so far. Takdak progress. In any aspect of life. Tatau la kenapa dilanda perasaan begini.

Maybe I do need a break. :/


and...this came in suddenly while I was writing this post. Haha so random. Tebiat agaknya. Well slow day at work, slow day with someone also today so it's a nice little gesture that made me smile :)



February 15, 2016

Unwell

I have been unwell for this past few days. Feverish at night. Cough and flu. Started last Thursday and starting yesterday it got slightly worse so I went to see the doctor to get my blood checked. I have been relying on warm honey lemon water this past few days with occasional PCM when I feel the headache got a lil bit too intense and my body temp increases. Blood checked - platelet was a bit low and I was given MC today.


But I know what I needed more.


Told somebody ;
  "tak sempat jumpa haritu memang sedih, tapi sedih lagi sakit takde tempat bermanja" 

Ngahngahngah cheesy terok. My apologies. Orang tengah sakit memang mengada-ngada extra. Plus I don't know how much longer I can have time like this with him..... At first I thought he couldn't make it because he had to be somewhere so daku pasrah. But he said he'll make adjustments and he did.

As I entered the car he said "ini muka sakit ke..macam sihat jee.." kahkah kurang asam orang dah pening peluh-peluh dia apa tau. And he followed by "Haritu marah kat I ye malam tu tak sempat jumpa. Comel je dah pandai marah kat I sekarang"
Alhamdulillah. Ada gak orang rasa yang iols marah ni comel satu dalam seribu ni mana nak cari orang tenang camni. Ini kalau orang lain ni mau perang silent treatment berjam-jam. Kahkah.

Initially we wanted to go for lunch and then he'll leave for work. But I ended up following him for work sebab pusing-pusing cari tempat nak lunch tak jumpa. Had to rest somewhere kejap sementara tunggu but I didn't mind.

Weed. Marijuana. PCM :P

February 14, 2016

Tentang Dia




Walau setinggi gunung mana harapan, yang Maha membuat keputusan hanya Dia.

But this simple paragraph best described how I feel.

February 11, 2016

Caring

He is the kind of guy who has a very kind, caring and protective heart. I used to like him since long long time ago but at one point I knew that we cannot go more then just friends.

For some reasons I avoided him that one time. Feeling some kind of guilt and kinda missing having a go-to person like before I tried to rekindle our friendship.

Still the same guy who would make sure I'm safe inside the house before he leaves everytime he sends me home. I was kinda unwell today and was coughing like crazy when he came to my workplace to send something and he immediately told me to get it checked and get an MC. I told him about a guy who have been bugging me and out of 3 guys I shared the story with, he was the only one whi suggested punching the guy. Although, other person, of course has been checking on me almost everyday asking me whether he's still bugging me or not. Kihkih.


Entah kenapa tonight I felt like writing about him. May Allah blesses his soul and ease his way in whatever problems he is having. I genuinely sayang him and wouldn't want him to get hurt because he has such a kind heart. May Allah guides him to the right path. With all my heart, I really hope he gets the happiness that he deserves.

February 02, 2016

A costly mistake

It was quite late that night. I just got back from Zawara Bukit Jelutong because I was craving for Churros. Went there after my night job. Had a cup of coffee which I don't usually do except if I need to workout. I was quite tired.


Right after Hicom exit I sped a little bit like I usually do. Saw the motorcycle already but in a split second I heard a loud bang. Feck. 


So I hit a motorcycle, yet again. Thank God he was not harmed. I really didn't see that coming at all. I had my signal. Entahlah up until now I still think it wasn't 100% my fault. I got out my car. Another 3 motorcylists helped the guy out. I kept on apologizing to the guy. He was reluctant to see my face or tell me what he wanted. I was alone. Almost broke down into tears and finally we exchanged numbers and the guy let me drive home that night. 


I reached home and he called. He was calmer. Told him I'll pay for the damage. Went to shower, and he called again. Started to have weird feeling and I put my guard up. He asked me where do I live bla bla and the last question - "dah kawen ke" to which I immediately replied "dah" without thinking long. Kahkah. I heard him saying "ala..dah kawen pulak" This is the second time I hit a motorcycle and both times also the guys ended up being weird. Maybe I should tone down my apologetic face, but I needed something to calm them after causing problem to them aite? 


The mistake costed me almost 500. Takpelah ada la tu mana-mana gaji tak berkat tu. Iols redha dan pasrah.

January 28, 2016

Go With The Flow

The mantra that I have been holding on to lately - GO WITH THE FLOW

I used to be very very frustrated when things don't go my way. Like, hati panas meletop kebabow like that. But recently I have slowly been educated to let loose a little bit and let things go with the flow. Not all that you plan goes accordingly. I haven't fully grasped the concept, but I am trying my best to  berlapang dada and accept everything that has been destined and fated.

It's not in my power to steer things to go my way.

It's not in my power to make people stay.

I do have my hopes. I do have my dreams. Who doesn't want to be happy? But a girl like me can only pray. And hold onto the faith.

Someday, somehow. One sweet day, insyaAllah.

Still trusting your plans, Ya Rabb. 

January 25, 2016

The lioness is calm now

There's a thing about the persistence that made me gave in and become...calmer. Like no matter how cold I became, he held on and never counter it back to make things worse. Nor didn't he stay silent for too long from me. Still there, despite my cold replies. 

And little little things that he said like "taknak la macam ni..", "esok i try curi masa for lunch okay" yada yada bla bla that just silent the demons inside my head. 

I am afterall very easy to please and tame. 

Praying, and praying hard. Make things fall easy for me, for us.  

Anger

I had a nap just now because I was too tired from jogging and cleaning the house.

And I had quite a, hmm dream.

In that dream I went to somewhere for a short trip. It was kinda like a sea, but it has tunnel that we can paddle our boat cum tube along the sea-tunnel. Aneh, but this is a dream of course it it strange like this.

On the way back I found out my car got stolen. And the person who stole my car, actually sent me and my friends back to our place using his car. Lepastu I asked about my car and he said sorry, I stole it. And he flew away. What the hell kan?

I was so angry. I yell and yell at someone and I was really really angry. I threw away things. The feeling was so real that I woke up, still in angry mode and went down to check my car. Alhamdulillah it's still there. Perasan sangat kan sapelah nak curik kereta awak tu?


I don't know, but what I can conclude from my dream :

1) I am angry at certain things now. Hmm. I truly am. But i'm trying my best to keep it to myself. The other person has sensed it but I'm just going to stay silent. If he doesn't make an effort to fix my mood by tonight, I am going to make a decision. This could be me PMSing for all we know but whatever.

Eh iols memang camni. During times when I get angry over people, I give myself a cooling off period, but at the same time I give a range. If the person doesn't come back to me within the range that I draft in my mind, I will make a conclusion and start making a decision. Lols.

2) I love my car. This one goes without saying lah. In this bad economy time, I can't afford to buy a new car. So I'm going to stick to my baby for as long as possible.