August 16, 2018

Of Constraints and Needs

I am off my low mode, and back to my normal mode. Guess what, I was PMSing at that time. That explains all the exaggerated response to almost everything that happened. Lols. All good now. I went for my birthday retreat. Recharged. Started to exercise again, started to be more careful with what I eat ( attempt number 294th kahkahkah)

At this age, with a job as a healthcare professional, topped up with doing part-times one would expect I have loads in my bank account. Truthfully, I am struggling (my kind of struggling okay) since the past few months.

People thought I am loaded because I do part-times a lot when in fact the job actually needed for my monthly expenses. Last Ramadhan I only had 2 sessions of part-time jobs and God knows how nervous I was. Dengan nak raya nya lagi, nak bayar itu ini lagi. Every month I write down what I have to pay and my salary itself is not enough to accommodate to my needs. This only happened recently after I bought the studio. A large chunk of money had to be put aside to pay the loan, rent, and bills.

At first when I bought the studio, I thought about advertising it as a homestay. But when I put my blood and sweat into decorating it, selecting what I like, I fell in love and got attached to it. I became very very careful to whom I want to pick as guests. It is different from the apartment I bought in KL because that was a subsale and I don't have the heart to put my love into it.

This has become my guilty pleasure and I surely need to be careful with my spendings too. Masalahnya macam tak insof je masih spending tak berhati-hati punn..I have this problem where the more I have to save, the more I spend.

Tapi macam sedihla because pre-studio, I can set aside certain amount of money into my ASB and TH. ASB is sort of untouchable sebab susah nak withdraw but I can see my TH is going low and low as I fork out money in desperate times. Eceyh desperate times la sangat. So, this is my kind of struggling okay. Not able to set aside certain amount of money like I used to, and had to resort to withdrawing from my TH which I'm afraid the fund will depreciate aku target nak gi Haji as soon as I am eligible to go without mahram nii..

Which is another why I'm still stuck with this 10 years old Vios. Low maintenance. Ada sopak sana sini pun tak kuasa nak betulkan dah. Side mirror cover siap dah tercabut sebab ada motor lehenet langgar pastu tak kutip lepastu kena lanyak dengan kereta lain pun biar je togel macamtu. Sometimes I got jealous of people driving this car and that car but memikirkan yang I can't afford so I kept my mouth shut and be grateful that I have a car to drive, jimat minyak and the fact that I don't have to frequently travel far menguatkan fakta I don't need a new car at this moment.

Semoga satu hari nanti dikurniakan rezeki berlipatganda Amiiinn...

Kecik. Tapi sayang..sayanggg sangat

August 02, 2018

Low Mode

I have been feeling rather down lately. To the point that I wanted to drive so fast against the wall. To the point that I spent my day lying down with no motivation of doing anything.

Trying to pick up myself and not to linger too long in this low mode, I did some sort of muhasabah and discussion with myself on certain things that I need to fix. It won't be easy. I might fail half way but at least I have some ideas on how to reduce the effect should I go into this low mode in the future. Here goes...

  1. Stop comparing. Being surrounded by people, I can't help myself from comparing with theirs. How nice would it be to have this and that. How nice would it be to have my days celebrated like this and that. But people have their own problem. They are just good at not showing it obviously. 
  2. Lower / Throw away expectations. On my birthday I made a wish list and sadly, I jinxed the list. All the things that I ever wished for went miserably wrong, exacerbating the angry mode I was already in. And it left me with this kind of shitty mode up until today. Made me feel unloved and unworthy all because the expectations that I myself set in my mind. Had I not had any expectations, things would have been much much better.
  3. Start picking up my self esteem. At this point of feeling low and all, I'm also not happy with my current weight and body. I have been slacking too much after raya. But I'm an emotional eater. I eat more when I'm sad. Negative vibes feeds me more than emotionally. I take care of myself better when I feel loved and motivated. My motivation to exercise also went down the drain lately. I need to pick myself up, as soon as possible. 

I need to make peace with myself. Things will be okay. Sooner or later. Just gotta swim through this phase...

July 05, 2018

Calming down the fear

In one of the socmed app today, I came across 2 things that sort of calm down whatever keresahan I had in my mind.

So at almost 31 :

1. Degree done. But still unsure of what my next step would be.
2. Gaji 4 angka, Alhamdulillah I think a lot of people around my circle can comfortably agree to this one too.
3. Car. Not exactly my own, but have been mine since a few years ago.
4. Umrah. Urm, performed one when I was 9, still looking for opportunity to repeat one, hopefully abang terbuka hati nak buat soon else I would need to wait another 10 years before I can go on my own.
5. 2 properties. 1 that I rented out walau penuh ranjau. 1 studio for my escapade.
Jodoh? Semoga pengakhiran yang baik-baik sahaja hendaknya ☻

I guess I'm doing alright so far? Left behind here and there in a few aspects but still alright I supposed. I supposed. They said don't compare yourself to others but in the midst of meeting with others how can I not compare myself. But I keep on telling myself, people struggles different fight. Masalah orang lain-lain. And also I am not comfortable opening up anymore. I tell people what I want to tell.

Just keep swimming. Que sera, sera, Whatever will be, will be. 

May 30, 2018

Hello old friend

It's been 3 months since my last post.. Really have lost it, eh? This time around, there were not even a single draft saved in between this post and the last time. Usually there would be multiple attempts to publish a post which normally ended up in a draft but this time, I have really abandoned my used-to-be best friend.

What has happened since?

A major event would be change in government on the historical 9th/10th May 2018. I have never been politically woke like how I am today. Everyday I look forward to seeing news on the new govt. It's kind of...refreshing. Glad I stayed up until almost 5am to witness the election results that night, thanks to the free holiday given by the new govt.

Other than that, still the same-old same-old me. Went to Krabi end of March. One of my personal achievement, one of the best holiday I've been :)

We are entering the 14th day of Ramadhan. However, Aidilfitri this year wouldn't be the same as Mak will be away at Mekah/Madinah for umrah. She wanted to experience the last 10 night of Ramadhan at Mekah and who I am to stand in between her dream to be there? I am kind of sad but come to think of it, I should just let her be. May Allah blesses her and protect her from any harm during her journey.

I will try to come back with more posts when the mood kicks in. Till then,
Lots of love.

February 14, 2018

First post in 2018?

Probably my 1st post in 2018. I have written one but that did not get published. Let's see if this one made it to the publish button.

Where do I start..

Right. 2018. Anything new with me? Not quite. My 2018 went off with rocky start (I yapped a lot about that in the post that did not get published, but I have moved on from it already LOL). I knocked somebody's car, fell off my butt from the stairs at home and was having some cold war as well. But  things are pretty calm so far. Car is back to normal. It happened when I was doing my part time and the damage done was more than what I earned. Pretty sure I wouldn't be back at that place for a while.

Work wise..well, still working at the same place. At times there are things that makes me motivated to leave this place to further my studies but it is not easy to get scholarships these days. I have been given a new responsibility as a facilitator to the new group which kinda make me feel pressured and stressed. I'm new and inexperienced. But they must have ran out of candidates to fill in that position that I have to be given the task.  The problem is we don't even have project to work on. May Allah given us some Hidayah and ideas soon. Right now I'm just going with the flow and praying things don't go too bad.

Besides that I have been voted once again to maintain the chair to run the club at my workplace. Again, maybe everyone does not want to hold this post. So, onto another year of organizing celebrations and farewells. At least I've been doing this for 2 years already so kinda used to it already. Just sometimes the tight budget really is a nuisance when we are trying to give the best options. Takpelah, we'll make do. May Allah ease.

Everything pretty normal. In the midst of letting go of my house in KL. Can't bring myself to maintain anymore. I thought renting out house is easy, turns out is not. The first potential buyer failed to get a loan. Now waiting for the second one. Hopefully her loan will be approved. At least can ease up my monthly commitment.

Anything else? Well I am at hmmm don't wanna jinx anything but at an okay-okay state. Battling with losing weight still tapi the fats seem so stubborn to go. Things have been okay. Entah tak tau macammana nak cakap dah. Okay la okay la kot kan?
 Let's stop here before I have another post goes unpublished alright.