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October 08, 2018

Berhenti Berharap?

Is this the point where I go that's it, no more?

Honestly I don't.

If it is, semoga Tuhan berikan kekuatan. 

September 22, 2018

Ada Orang Lagi Ke?

Knock knock. Just wondering if there are any people still reading my blog. I mean..people don't really write things in blog anymore these days of instagram and facebook and twitter and other socmeds don't they? 


Unless, when there are things can't really be expressed through other mediums. Something lengthier. Something that comes from heart. Something that look like a ramble that you need to let it off but would like a smaller audience. Something more...personal. I know there are diaries but who does that anymore?


At least for me, blog is medium where I vent off my frustrations, talk out about my insecurities. My self-esteem is very low. There are things I don't prefer to discuss with other people. So I discussed with myself here. Whatever I put out here is in no mean to show-off. It's just for me to look through my life, what I have achieved and to reassure myself that I'm doing okay. Keep going, keep swimming.


I have been writing for more than 10 years. The frequency has reduced, but I still write every now and then whenever I am not happy or when I need to let go. My writings reflect what i felt DURING THE TIME THE POST WAS MADE and might not be relevant during any other time. Like how I think I was so into somebody before? Now no more, not a single cent. So yeah we all have our phase right?

Whatever it is, I think when you read others blog, you shouldn't take it personally even it is about you. No need to make it a big deal. Especially when no names are thrown. Especially blog with small audience like mine. Maybe take it as a reflection of whatever people think of you no matter whether YOU think it's true or not. 

Adios

September 05, 2018

Semangat Baru

Last year was one of my peak year where I managed to achieve 2 big targets in a year - travelled to NZ and buying my teratak kecil. I was so motivated the moment we started planning for NZ on March last year.

This year I felt empty. No target. No motivations. No nothing..and I haven't even managed to save up that much pun. Entahlah macam takde drive. 

Until I got an enlightenment earlier this morning - I wanna buy a new car! 

You see..my baby V is 9 years old already. As much as I love it and how good it is, it will need to be replaced. Car is a liability. Tarak untung, manyak rugi. So I don't want to spend too much on a car monthly but I am not keen to buy a second hand either. 

So here's a new plan. In 4 years, I'm going to buy a new car. I will *try* to gather a higher deposit and make sure the loan is paid within 7 years. 

I am also going to travel oversea next year. Where and when still a question mark, but I prolly be following Wany and her parents IF I managed to save up enough money.


Here's to new found spirit. May this one be the drive for me to keep on living..

August 16, 2018

Of Constraints vs Needs

I am off my low mode, and back to my normal mode. Guess what, I was PMSing at that time. That explains all the exaggerated response to almost everything that happened. Lols. All good now. I went for my birthday retreat. Recharged. Started to exercise again, started to be more careful with what I eat (again..diet attempt number 294th kahkahkah)


At this age, with a job as a healthcare professional, topped up with doing part-times one would expect I have loads in my bank account. Truthfully, I am struggling (my kind of struggling okay) since the past few months.


People thought I am loaded because I do part-times a lot when in fact the job actually needed for my monthly expenses. Last Ramadhan I only had 2 sessions of part-time jobs and God knows how nervous I was. Dengan nak raya nya lagi, nak bayar itu ini lagi. Every month I write down what I have to pay and my salary itself is not enough to accommodate to my needs. This only happened recently after I bought the studio. A large chunk of money had to be put aside to pay the loan, rent, and bills.


At first when I bought the studio, I thought about advertising it as a homestay. But when I put my blood and sweat into decorating it, selecting what I like, I fell in love and got attached to it. I became very very careful to whom I want to pick as guests. It is different from the apartment I bought in KL because that was a subsale and I don't have the heart to put my love into it.


This has become my guilty pleasure and I surely need to be careful with my spendings too. Masalahnya macam tak insof je masih spending tak berhati-hati punn..I have this problem where the more I have to save, the more I spend.


Tapi macam sedihla because pre-studio, I can set aside certain amount of money into my ASB and TH. ASB is sort of untouchable sebab susah nak withdraw but I can see my TH is going low and low as I fork out money in desperate times. Eceyh desperate times la sangat. So, this is my kind of struggling okay. Not able to set aside certain amount of money like I used to, and had to resort to withdrawing from my TH which I'm afraid the fund will depreciate aku target nak gi Haji as soon as I am eligible to go without mahram nii..


Which is another why I'm still stuck with this 10 years old Vios. Low maintenance. Ada sopak sana sini pun tak kuasa nak betulkan dah. Side mirror cover siap dah tercabut sebab ada motor lehenet langgar pastu tak kutip lepastu kena lanyak dengan kereta lain pun biar je togel macamtu. Sometimes I got jealous of people driving this car and that car but memikirkan yang I can't afford so I kept my mouth shut and be grateful that I have a car to drive, jimat minyak and the fact that I don't have to frequently travel far menguatkan fakta I don't need a new car at this moment.


Semoga satu hari nanti dikurniakan rezeki berlipatganda Amiiinn...



Kecik. Tapi sayang..sayanggg sangat

August 02, 2018

Low Mode

I have been feeling rather down lately. To the point that I wanted to drive so fast against the wall. To the point that I spent my day lying down with no motivation of doing anything.


Trying to pick up myself and not to linger too long in this low mode, I did some sort of muhasabah and discussion with myself on certain things that I need to fix. It won't be easy. I might fail half way but at least I have some ideas on how to reduce the effect should I go into this low mode in the future. Here goes...


  1. Stop comparing. Being surrounded by people, I can't help myself from comparing with theirs. How nice would it be to have this and that. How nice would it be to have my days celebrated like this and that. But people have their own problem. They are just good at not showing it obviously. 
  2. Lower / Throw away expectations. On my birthday I made a wish list and sadly, I jinxed the list. All the things that I ever wished for went miserably wrong, exacerbating the angry mode I was already in. And it left me with this kind of shitty mode up until today. Made me feel unloved and unworthy all because the expectations that I myself set in my mind. Had I not had any expectations, things would have been much much better.
  3. Start picking up my self esteem. At this point of feeling low and all, I'm also not happy with my current weight and body. I have been slacking too much after raya. But I'm an emotional eater. I eat more when I'm sad. Negative vibes feeds me more than emotionally. I take care of myself better when I feel loved and motivated. My motivation to exercise also went down the drain lately. I need to pick myself up, as soon as possible. 

I need to make peace with myself. Things will be okay. Sooner or later. Just gotta swim through this phase...