March 27, 2015


Planning for travel is so much pening pening when the currency is different.

So much headache.
So not enough monayh.

Hmm. Please let the trip be the one that could take mind away from what I am supposed not to think.

Le sigh.

March 22, 2015

The kind of post that might get turned into draft later

Eleven fifty three pm the day before he asked "let's have a lunch tomorrow"

Oh one of those rare days. Lunch. On weekends. My heart skip a beat. But my brain came fast to shut down my happiness - his gf must be out of town said my brain. Such a killjoy.

But he says he can't stay long. Need to reach some place out from the city by afternoon. I didn't mind. As long as ... as long... I'll be happy with whatever I could get..

Two fifteen am, I was fast asleep. Did locum by the day and had a makan-makan at my house later on so I was drop dead tired. His texts came in saying he was at hospital for some emergency. I only get to read it at six thirty in the morning. 

My heart aches a bit. There goes our rare chance. Replied to him wishing him well. Did my Subuh prayer. Fell asleep again.

I woke up at nine thirty am. Contemplating on what to do for the day. Rolled on my bed a bit trying to comfort my heart on a rare chance that has gone. Started cleaning the house. His texts came in telling what happened last night. Never touched about the lunch.

Eleven fifty two am he called. He is on the way back from his hometown. The lunch is still on. But it had to be somewhere else from the plan. I was drenched in sweat from cleaning the house. My body ache all over the places but I was too excited. I quickly went to shower and get done.

I was late by twenty minutes. We had our ribeye. We had our brief lunch. In less than hour we went our separate ways.

We shook hands as always before we parted. I sunk my face onto his arm. My heart feels heavy. He patted my head. 

He left I left.

A strong, sharp, shooting pain goes through my heart to my brain and all of a sudden tears came rolling down my cheek. I didn't see that coming at all. But whatever time left, chance given, I am cherishing it. Not much left. Not for long..

Wishing him well. Wishing him nothing but happiness. 

March 20, 2015

Amy Winehouse

In the mood of listening to Amy Winehouse currently. Setiap kali jiwa macam tengah sedih/ok/sedih/ok ni I think her songs fit me perfectly. Kah bukan nak dengar alunan zikir dan bacaan Quran kan kau ni.

The CD I bought 2 years ago when we went to Penang has gone kaput. I need a new cd. No actually I need a radio that has a USB connector. Takyah la sesusah nak kena cari CD burn lagu segala. So geared up to find one but terbantut hasrat kekakak bila tengok harga dia RM1288 the cheapest. Oih baik beli kereta baru. Terus rasa nak beli kereta baru lepastu baru sedar diri awak tu bukan kerja cetak duit. Lepastu I'm back to being sad. Lulz

Kacau nye jiwa ni. Tak sukanya setiap detik yang berlalu ni.

Ni kalau dapat lepak tepi pantai malam-malam sambil dengar Amy Winehouse. Lepastu bila keluar lagu Tears Dry On Their Own tarik lebih sikit sebab that song fucking describes what I'm going through right now.

March 18, 2015

Kemana arah hendak kutuju

My random blogwalking brought me to this one person who excels in her work. She receives awards, attends meetings conferences internationally and even delivers speech. And that made me rethink of my career path..

I must admit I am quite comfortable here and that scares me a little. I do not want my career path ends here. Kekakak tamau mereput disini dari dah nak sebaya student sampai jadi macam nenek student. Kah.

What options I am left with? Further and lecture. Cannot quite imagine myself being a lecturer but I know I can be a good one. Dulu habis SPM kekakak kasi tuition uols. Dari 1 ke 2 tiba-tiba ramai pulak nak sebab I'm good liddat. Perasan abis kahkah tapi that's quite the truth alright. Tapi lepastu kekakak malas sebab macam tak chill la wey abis SPM duduk rumah ajar tuisyen baik pergi melepak tepi tembok main gitar. Okay la tipu. I got busy with interviews, educamp, tah camp apa dengan MMU dekat Terengganu, driving lessons and tests so I decided to stop giving tuition kahkah sorry adik-adik tuition ku sampai sekarang kalau terserempak dengan mak depa dekat Speedmart kekakak segan. Habis semua tu settle pergi apply kerja kedai dim sum kawan dengan orang pelik-pelik. Kahhh.. Those were the days sangats..

Anywayyyy back to main story. Career path. Another option would be setting up my own surgery. Which I never thought I will end up doing so, but now am seriously considering it. The thing is, I am not a business minded person. Kekakak malas nak menguruskan hal-hal perniagaan ni. I can do the treatment part but I want somebody else to manage.

Time is ticking I need to start deciding. A few months to go before I can start applying to continue my studies if I want to do so but I am just so clueless right now.

Sometimes I envy those who work in offices. Lunch time bole keluar makan jenjalans dengan colleague. Bole sheshopping. Pergi meeting makan-makan. Jumpa orang office lain. Kerja menghadap komputer menghadap kertas.

Sigh. Marilah berfikir..

March 17, 2015


So I scrolled through facebook and instagram as per usual this morning. As always certain posts touch my heart in a way that it aches a bit. Seronoknya kawen. Seronoknya orang ada anak. Seronoknya itu. Seronoknya ini. Kah. Kesian.

Anywayyys I stumbled upon pictures of erm chubby people (kekakak benci betul eufamisme chubby ni ekceli) and they look confident, vibrant, erm..colourful. Then I looked to myself and wonder why can't I be that confident.

Kekakak pergi keje selebet je uols. Dulu gi kerja lagi terok. Bangun kul 715. Mandi. Siap. Baju main hentam je. Lepastu gi kerja. Yelah tempat kerja tak glemer pun malas nak beria. Jumpa patient pun pakcik makcik uncle aunties. Kalau ye pun potential mak pak mertua still malas sebab kawen dengan anak dia kena duk Johor kang. Kah jauh kekakak pikir. Lepastu by pukul 10 patient dah berderet-deret, cabut susah, peluh keluh kesah ketiak basah segala, memang comot ler.

Tapi petang sikit I would put some touch up or just make sure I don't look too shabby during locum. Yang tu kena presentable sikit la takut patient tak percaya pulek.

Where I work right now..I don't dress too shabby but still I am too lazy to put on anything on my face. Sometimes I perform Dhuha at work so nanti kena touch up balik lepas wudhu' so malas la nak mekap dari rumah. Lepastu dah solat dah ada patient langsung lupa nak pakai. Tapi harini lepas scroll fb tu terus pergi toilet pakai eyeliner, sapu blusher ngan lipgloss. Kahkah hangat-hangat chicken shite sangat.

We'll see how long will I last with this so-called new motivation. Kah

Anyway my backpain still persists. Sakit pinggang tiada taranya. Could be a combination of period pain too I supposed. No wonder last week was one hell of a week . PMS rupenye. I even thanked somebody for participation on Drama PMS minggu lepas. Kahkah padan muka sapa suruh kawan dengan kita. Kbai