March 30, 2016

Of hopes, and more hopes

Pagi ni macam biasa je semua. Pergi lunch macam biasa. Macam biasa. Mengada-ngada macam biasa.

It was all good until he uttered "I'm gonna miss you"

Then reality hit me. Feck. This is going to be our last lunch isn't it?

Ciss terus down mood aku. Dahlah tengah macam minggu hormon kurang stabil ni.

My dear teman memerah otak cari tempat lunch, pergi beli cendol, cari kuih dan air sedap dan tido tepi tasik, pengecheck panjang kuku serta luka-luka, I am, really gonna miss you.

What comes next, I don't know. The thought of seeing you less is already hurting me sedih teman nak memikior lebih. I can only pray, and hope, and keep on hoping some light will shine upon us.

Rasa nak duduk bawah selimut teriak nyanyi biarkan aku menjaga perasaan ini owwwww..menjaga segenap cinta yg telah kau beriiii..engkau pergi aku takkan pergi, kau menjauhhh aku takkan jauhhh..kahkah haremjadah..

Another obstacle, if we survive, Alhamdulillah.

Istajib du'a ana, ya Allah

Soalan Paling Susah Dalam Dunia MAKAN MANA/NAK MAKAN APA?

Aku dah google setengah jam ni still tak boleh decide nak makan apa. Kahkahkah..

Addendum - Tapi maybe lepas ni tapayah google dah. Sendiri saja semua. Hmm..

Angin kus-kus sudah mari. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

March 28, 2016


Sakit hati betul lah cable ni. Dua-dua pun nak kaput. Charge before tido bangun-bangun 60% je. Takpelah nanti pergi kerja pinjam mai punya. 

Pergi kerja. Mulakan hari macam biasa.

You. Nak cable wire tak. 

Such a right timing.



Pass cable.

Memang perangai anak bongsu betul la. Cakap je nak beli, tak beli-beli. Last-last yang sulung jugak la yang kena tolong.

Ciss..takde point nak retaliate. Indeed, niat nak beli cable ni dah lama dipasang tapi tak terkabul-kabul.

Lepas lunch, ada orang perangai buruk sengaja tak ambik tisu nak lap, sebab dah target nak lap dekat baju dengan tudung. Seronok dia lap tangan dekat baju siap lap mulut dekat belakang tudung ni. Geram punya pasal pergi basahkan tangan lagi untuk serang balas,

Masuk kereta.

Esok I takleh lunch dengan you tau. Ada hal dengan client. 

Sobs. Minggu terakhir ada teman lunch. Jumaat ni pun dah takde. Next lunch I don't know when. Hopefully not too long.


"I taknak you lenyap"

That was kind of a reassurance, the sentence  that was desired.

Although there are a lot more things that could go complicated, more pain to swallow. Yang dah jadi ni pun kadang-kadang sedih mencucuk.. May Allah grant the strength and the solution to follow.

March 27, 2016


Apart from work stuff, there are also things that make me think too much lately. I wanted to discuss it with someone but I hesitated at first. So aku kasi mukadimah Jumaat malam telling him I wanted to say something but will only let him know today. He got irritated but waited anyway, tapi dalam hati I wish I could just brush off the urge to discuss it with him that's why I delayed the matter.

I kept thinking on and on and on since last Friday how do I address my concern. To the point that I wake up at night getting bad dreams and all. We discussed something similar before but he was the one who brought it up.

I think I might have got a lil bit too attached. I think. I signed up for a volunteer work at God-knows-where on the weekend he'll be away  because the thought of it just made me sad. I could be having a holiday for myself too but I wanted to go somewhere with no phone coverage so I won't be having any expectations.

Today he claimed back the unanswered issue I wanted to discuss last Friday. A bit persuasive and he got a lil bit angry so I got a lil scared. Tried to distract as best as I could until something happened that led to the topic being opened. However it was a lil bit too late because we were already close to my house so we extended our discussion in texts.

A little relieved you made the call. All I need is a reassurance. That's it. That's all.

March 24, 2016

Affairs summed up

Last night out wearing my new top I bought online. Always so careful to buy without trying but I gave this top a go and loved it! Loving the shape but the material isn't equinox-friendly.

Out for a movie that kinda disappoints me because of the messy plot. But I got to see Wonderwoman in action so I'm one happy girl. Plus, it's a very rare occasion to have a night out like this.

Today's lunchtime we went to our go-to place when we don't have any idea to go. Simple nasi ayam kunyit goreng but the idea of serving as many nasi/ayam goreng kunyit you want for only RM6 with water is really satisfying.

Because we still have almost 50minutes to spare before lunch hour ends, we decided to just chill by the lake. Someone called me Michelin haremjadah punya orang but I take it as a motivation siap la kau cey padahal diet kelaut exercise kelaut. Took a picture of his kungfu panda tummy.

Can I say goodbye? Can I or can I not?

March 23, 2016


My body is very, very tired. 

We've been getting a lot of..customers these days. Penatnya hanya Tuhan yang tahu. A good massage will do me really good now. Entah bila la nak pergi. To expect me to go there by myself..satu perjuangan tu. Maybe one day I should book a hotel in that area. Lepas urut terus gi balik hotel tido rehat-rehat. Ni lepas urut nak kena drive lagi balik..hilang dah nikmat. Hmm. Yup. Maybe I should do just that. Tapi bila tu I don't know. Haihhh penatnyeee nak nangis rasa dia.

Happy this 2 weeks ada teman lunchdate almost everyday but not for long. Hmm..sedihnya. 

There's something that I want to write about but I do not know how to express it. Tatau la nak cakap camne..

Letih la letih tau tak. 

March 18, 2016

Turun Naik Happy Tak Happy

Turun naik turun naik graf happiness gua this week.

When it comes to work mulelah graf mendadak turun. But I'm happy there are certain things that have ended. I hope things will go smoothly from now onwards. However my project is kinda stuck at the moment because I am really serabut this week and I ran out of motivations. Hope I get back my drive next week..

However on the other place there are few changes that makes me..unhappy. Tapi sebab keadaan ekonomi sekarang tak betul and I need the extra money, hadap je la. I might need to take up extra days to cover..tapi kepenatan dia Tuhan saja yg tahu.

We made it to 5/5 of seeing each other this week. I am one happy camper but not for long..this might be the first and last one since he'll be taking up a new job and it won't be as flexible as his current job. As of now he is my current happy place although I don't know for how long or where are we heading. Even though there are times dia buat aku geram rasa nak cubit kecik-kecik sampai berdarah, but most of the time he makes me smile. All those silly things we did when we spend our time together..they distract me from thinking of all the worries and sadness that I am actually in..


March 14, 2016


Hey mamasita aiyaiyaiyaiyai

Boleh tahan frekuensi iols mengepost kesini sejajar dengan keserabutan otak dan kesesakan kerja. Ah. Ini je la tempat iols mengadu domba kan.

Rabu ni one event down. Cuak jugak lah sebab food mainly iols yg carik. Hope berjalan lancar. Nasib la catering ayah kakdiah ada. Siap dapat harga adik beradik lega dengar. Slides dah siap. Hope majlis berjalan lancar.

Kerja nan satu tu stuck sebab kena buat video. Haih. So touch up la slides sana sini while waiting for ideas to come. Kalau la ada rezeki terlebih seronoknya kalau boleh bukak klinik sendiri. Tp ilmu pun belum cukup ni. Hmm. Takpe la doa lagi. Doa kuat semoga dimudahkan..

Geram punya pasal iols bagi gelaran pakjib dekat pokcik tu. Tadi pun macam emo tak emo happy tak happy geram tak geram. Lepastu cubit kecik2 dekat urat dia sampai dia mengaduh. Puas hati. Padan muka.

Tsk. Nak lari membawa diri sepi minggu ni cuti sekolah pulak. Konfem sesak. Tapi tengoklah kalau seteress terok kugagahi redahkan jua.

March 13, 2016

Something wrong somewhere

Lama dah tak menangis sampai sakit kepala. Apekejadah sangat perangai tah. Kahkahkah.

Tapi bila kaji punca sebenarnya tak ada apa pun. Maybe sebab tengah minggu lepas hati terguris belum pulih datang pulak kesedihan ni pulak kan. Oh well, biasala iols kalau emosi memang gini. If you survive this turbulence, you kinda pass the test la kot kan. If not, hmm, well...takde rezeki lah kot kan. Come to think of it again, it just happened at a very wrong time. Time where I needed a support the most sebab dihimpit pressure sana-sini, and things happened.

Bertabahlah duhai hati. Hope esok iols bangun emosi kembali okay. Apelah perangai tak chill langsung.

March 12, 2016

A goodbye...or not?

After managed to train my tastebud to accept grilled lamb, someone is quite determined to get me into eating taugeh. Yup, I am one of that person who hates taugeh and would spend my first 5 minutes of taugeh-ed food isolating them.

So one day someone packed a lunch for us and told me he got me taugeh as the lauk. I said nevermind, I can always remove them like I always do. Mulelah keluar perangai dia cakap nak paksa masukkan dalam mulut la nak paksa kunyah la. Memang dasar...btul perangai. Kah.

As I opened the food wrapper I was glad to see no taugeh was there. Only tapau-ed nasi Hakim. Hakim. The place where we first met :') He was laughing at me and blurted "haa..cuak kan ada taugeh" Cis betul. Paksa makan keli kang baru tau..

I am going to miss silly moments like this....

Lately there are things that got me upset pretty easily and that's just some signs of me getting a little too attached. I'm scared. I really am.

I have started to buat perangai delete the number so I appeared like I have blocked you from whatsapp (because my DP, my last seen and my status are only for my contacts). And then I switched off my whatsapp. Tapi tadi I had to contact somebody so I switched on my whatsapp and not long after that a message from him came in. Is it a coincidence? Or have you been waiting for me to go online? Ergh. I don't like when I started to behave like this. Macam tak chill betul.

Amende la yang aku mengarut ni.

My trains of thoughts are really haywire now. Tomorrow Imma go hiking and try to calm the fuck down. And I am going to decide whether it's time to back off and say goodbye, or not..

March 09, 2016

My Milo Icecream

I've been pretty tight this week. Entahlah. Banyak betul cabaran mendatang. And it sorta created a dominos effect where I perceived everything is pretty fucked up now.

Entahlah. I really don't know.

Also with someone, for some reason macam terasa sangat-sangat dengan dia. Just me being perempuan emo like that. Rasa macam ish terasa tapi tatahu nak cakap cammana. Maybe I should tone it down or just backoff. I don't know.

Tapi td petang he came to pass me a few things to be settled. And he brought me a Milo icecream. Baruu je lepas lunch terdetik dalam hati alangkah bestnya kalau ada icecream milo disaat matahari terik ni. Masuk kereta hati panas-panas when I saw the icecream I couldnt help by smile. Macammana boleh tahu ni...lepastu siap cakap "taktahulah icecream ni bole buat you happy tak" kahkah...gila tak happy tapi mana boleh tunjuk..

Really hoping things clear up and my fucked up emotions go back to normal soon. Times like this I just need a hug and some reassurance that things will be fine. Takpayah tolong selesaikan masalah just be there for me is enough...

March 08, 2016


I think it's time for me to slowly back off from everyone and build my own cocoon. Now that all my bestfriends are safely in the hands of their partners, I think I've got to learn to live on my own.

Pergh macam sedih betul bunyinya kan.

I seriously need some time off to rest. I have been unwell for almost a month and it's starting to make me worry. It's not showing any signs of getting better either. In fact, my throat hurts so bad yesterday rasa nak cabut je lepastu rendam dalam clorox.

However, I still have a few things at work I need to make sure the progress is good. On one hand we are organizing a farewell next week. On the other hand we need to start working on the recorded SOP  and check the progress of the system. Get this 2 hands washed up and cleaned, I think I can have my break peacefully. Lagipun nak kena kumpul duit sikit so boleh lari hilangkan diri kemana-mana kejap.

I think while waiting for the right time for a break, I need to give myself some loving. Nak urut. Nak buat hair treatment. Nak shopping baju. I hate doing all of this alone. But I think I have no choice but to learn. But all of this need money so I need to work hard first.

I can do this. Yes I can. This feelings too, shall pass.

March 07, 2016

Me, today

March 06, 2016

My first half marathon

I can't sleep despite waking up at 4 this morning and having a deadly tired body after running my first half marathon. Yes. I did it. My first.half.marathon. Freaking 21km Half Marathon!

In 2014, I ran my 1st 10km run in Malaysia Women Marathon. So it's only appropriate to run my first HM in the same event too. Plus it has been 3 years that I "opened" my running event with MWM.

However I was having doubts before this event. I am still having my cough and flu. So it's no fun to lari with hingus-hingus. I was also kind of sleep-deprived this week. I think I slept around 4 hours only each night this week. I was deadly tired. Given a better condition, I kinda think I can go to the run with no doubts because I managed to do a 16km trail run last year so I think I can do it.

Asked around my friends. I did not train at all. Adelah pergi naik bukit puchong but max tu 7km sahaja. A few encouraged a few diacouraged.

The night before I prepared the essentials despite being half-hearted for the run. I had no appetite to eat but forced myself to eat some carbo that nite because I didn't quite eat at Wani's wedding. Took cough syrup to help me sleep but I only shut my eyes at 10 when I actually wanted to sleep at 9. Mind you I slept at 1 am and woke up at 5 that day before. I clocked my alarm at 4am and let destiny decides. Kalau bangun, then I will go.

I woke up to the alarm this morning. Snoozed until 4.20. Showered and still dont feel like going because I was too sleepy and tired. Forced myself to eat 2 spoons of rice and fried egg for energy. Took banana, milo kotak and had to resort to taking my highly caffeinated fat burner although I know I will be getting trouble to sleep this whole day like how I am right now. Placebo effect or not, I dont think I can run 21km without the energy.

Drove to Dataran Shah Alam. And I finally ran my first HM. I was okay at first until my mucus started to overflow. Dahla lupa bawak tisu. So I had to breathe with my mouth which I think made me easily tired. The cut off time was 1h30m for first 10km, 2h25m for km15 and I think 3h30m for the HM. Managed to clock in my fastest 10km which was 1h20m. Water station was good. Andddd ada lucozade my favourite isotonic drink back in Ireland! Hehe..

The surau was stationed at km11++ so I don't think I can make it before Subuh ends. Thank God at LKSA toll I saw a few runner prayed at the side so I joined them. Bila lagi oiii nak solat atas jalanraya kat Malaysia ni yg kat LPT tu pun diorang solat kat tepi je kan. So at km7.65 I stopped for Subuh.

My strategy for the first 5 songs (i run with my earphones). And then run for 1 song and walk for 1 song until I can't take it anymore then only I walk. Managed to catch up with the 3hr pacers but my body started to give up at km17. My back was hurting. I can start to feel that my leg will go cramp so I walked for the last 4km with very very very minimal run.

Clocked in 3h8m according to my Nike running+ apps for 21km and finished the route at 3h15m because it went slightly over 21km...the route was 21.8km and yes, 800m does make a difference when you are so tired liddat.

After finishing line I kinda teared inside because I didnt think i can make it and I was so tired and also it was so painful to walk with blisters on my toes.

Alhamdulillah. New achievement unlocked :D

March 01, 2016

Not a good day

I slept with stuffy nose and itchy throat last night. Woke up not feeling quite well, I decided to do a blood test. Alhamdulillah all returned okay.

Today has not been a good day I think. I know largely it's hormonal. So I shouldn't ride on the emotional wave. But can't help it. Nak nangis dah ni stress dia. Workload piling up. A few other things need to be settled.

Lepastu meet up cancel. Bagai memerah asid ke luka berdarah sakit dia.

But I thank God for giving me a friend whom I can regard as my parachute and my umbrella on rainy days. Hopefully I could lessen my stress later. I know I don't share my stories with him like how I shared stories with my girlfriends, but at least I could use some distraction from all of my problems. Dapat lepak melantak tengok movie pun jadilah.

Also I thank God I survived another financial turbulence. Kahkah. Last month when I promised to gift something for a friend and make a few hundred ringgits purchase la things happened. Langgar moto la, kena bayar rumah la, bayar duti setem la. Selalu camtu tau. But I'm glad I made it walaupun tercungap.

An escape. An escape. An escape.

Badly need one.