Two thousand fifteen

The same scare revisits each and every new year without fail.

So how do I recap 2015? It's a year of tumbling down and getting up again. I'm glad that I can finally look over it and smile. It's a year that tested my patience the most. And it's a year that reveals the painful truth of faces that are dear to me.

I believe each and every person sent to you life for reasons to make you, you. And being a sentimental person that I am, I treasure beautiful memories from the yesteryears that make it hard for me to just erase people out of my life just like that. However, I do believe that people should do what they want, not because they do it out of sympathy or whatever bullshit they call it so I am more than happy to let go.

I am also thankful for all the people sent to me to lift up my days. Who showed me that I am not who I thought I was. The ones who came in out of nowhere and painted smiles on my face and planted butterflies in my stomach. And who make me believe in myself once again. Motivated me to look after myself better. Lend me helping hands and listening ears when I needed it the the most. Rant with me, together we be bitching about things that make me/us unhappy. You know who you are, please know that you are also my shining stars!

I don't wanna sound cliche and come out with new year resolutions. But I do have hopes that next year will be a year with lesser headache and heartache. I am walking out of 2015 a stronger person, and I would like to keep that momentum. I have always wanted to become a heartless person, and I do believe I am walking to the right directions.


Although, despite the strong person I am trying to be, deep inside me there is a nadzirah who is covered by anxiety and sorrow, full of scares and worries. One day, one sweet day, may the strong ones guide the weaker side to better days.


Keeping the faith. Always.

Catching up with Naynay

Bongiourno.

Finally in Venice, Italy. Finally reunited with Abang, Kakdiah, and my favourite little person in the world - Naynay.


Venice is freezing, freezing cold. The day we arrived the temperature hit a high 10 and that was it. The next days the temperature was only around 1-3degrees. 5 years in Ireland and I'm still not used to this kind of cold.


Anyway back to the main aim of the trip...we are sending Mak over mainly to take care of lil miss Naynay instead of her sister, really. Makcik ni energy dia macam makan pil kuda, she can play play play allllll day long. 4 adults tending her and we all got tired at the end of the day but she still can happily chirping around. Tatau la nanti awak ni ada adik cammana nanti ni. So while the attention can still be focused to her without being divided, we give it to her.


With Naynay, I play the role of the fiercer aunty. On certain parts I give in to her, but I never let her go overboard. Kalau dia dah start main tutup lampu ke apa ke buat dek je sampai dia tak jadi main dah. Tapi Mak on the other hand, she gave in to  her grandkid a lil bit too much. Amboih dulu kecik2 dulu iols kena bantai cucu dia ni nak jentik pun tak sampai hati. Lepastu iols buli je balik kalau dia buli so nanti dia akan stress. Kiki.


Anyway few days more til I go back. Cam sedih pulak nak tinggalkan. Seronok plak dah a few days duduk sini. Risau jugak nanti sapa nak halang mak dari kena buli dengan Naynay kahkah. Baby pun very slim chance nak jumpa. If only I have plenty of annual leaves to spare. Sigh.

Ciao

#keItalykekita

A;

Betul ke you nak gi Italy ni...tak payah la pergi.


K;

Boleh ke you pergi Italy ni...jangan baru pergi 4 hari dah mintak balik.


Once in a while it's good to have that being wanted feeling coming back to you after what has somewhat felt like being devalued so much. Kasi can la kan..kahkah macam haremm, i know.

Baby, jauh makngah makngah datang ni. Habis cuti makngah nak simpan carry forward tahun depan ni. Keluar please, sayang?

Radar

I was frantically searching for my instant shawl. Pretty sure I skimmed through each and every single pieces. Nope. Positive I didn't find it.

"Mak ada nampak shawl adik tak. Yang biru dgn hitam tu" 

"Haritu mak nampak ade je kat sini" 

And so she went. And she freakin pulled my instant shawl out of the place I've searched before.
And shot me the whatever-lah-kau-ni-anak look.

I swear. Moms are the best thing finder in the world. Hihihi..



So I was out meeting this hmm someone. Unplanned, kebetulan he just got back from outstation. And I wanted to pass the thing he asked me to buy from Hatyai. And we are long overdue to meet each other, each time mesti ada je halangan. So tonight, quite late, I almost finished packing and he was passing by my house I thought- lepak je lah.

And out of a sudden, a text came through..

 "Assalamualaikum" 

"Waalaikumussalam" 

"tak tdo lg ke" 

"blum. hihi" 

"watpe ni you"

Kahkahkah. Itu pun aneh jugak ye. Ada radar jugak ke. I don't normally text somebody late at night that frequent, especially since he has extended family coming over to his place this week. Last we texted each other was around 8 something and I just let the last message unreplied. Plus dia memang tido awal. Nad sekarang nak chill dan cekal takde clingy-clingy to text messages. Sebab dia pernah keluar statement orang kening bersambung ni kuat cemburu, so takyah la jawab betul-betul just to keep the peace. Terpaksa la guna distraction skill. And as expected halfway through dah senyap dah. Tido lettew. 

Cepat marah vs Cepat sensitif

Semalam;

I rasa you dah ambik perangai I sikit la, macam cepat marah sekarang.

Diam diam dalam hati. Dia tak tau iols kalau PMS burung berkicauan pun boleh kena marah. Lols


Harini;

You, you cepat sensitive tak? 

Nape tanya camtu? 

I macam dah cepat sensitive la sekarang. Dok fikir perangai sapa la yg I ambik ni. 

Kahkahkah. Cis betul tanya soalan tepat camtu. Nasib kau la bang.


It's okay. I am trying my best to develop some kecekalan over here. Lately I have been told a lot of things. Sedih ada marah ada kecewa ada, tp of the utmost important, I don't let those feelings get on me anymore. Upset upon hearing, and I shake it off. Selepas what it felt like being stabbed front and back, top and bottom, I don't think I should be like how I was before.  What doesn't kill you, should make you stronger, yes?


Banyak lagi yang bermain difikiran, I'm just going to let it just linger in my mind.
Right now right here, I am just going with the flow, and keep the faith to The Almighty.

Setahun sudeyh

So many things in my mind that I need to let it out.


One year has passed

It's my first year anniversary in the current workplace. Never regretted resigning from where I worked before. So far I enjoyed working here. Tadi je ada kena muntah sikit dengan patient. Lain-lain has been okay...so far so good. Got to practice my skills and got to do more compared to my previous workplace.


Spa

I went to the spa treatment gifted by A last time. It rained cats and dogs soon after I reached Puchong. The parking was quite hard to find so I had to park somewhere and walk to find the place. Walk. In the middle of the rain. And I didn't even know where the place at, called a few times but still couldn't get to the place I almost gave up. Like a headless chicken I went here and there and only managed to find the place after my clothes is drenched in rain despite having umbrella. Thank God the treatment was good. Had scrubs, masker as well as 30 mins massage. The massage was not too bad but I still prefer my favourite Thai massage. Again, thank you kind stranger for the gift.


However, since I went from drenched in rain to air-conditioned room, I am feeling slightly under the weather today. Need to get me some Vitamin C before it got worsened.



Eh. Macam banyak je nak cerita. Tapi dah takde idea. Oh well.

Say what you mean

Say what you mean, mean what you say - that, I always tell myself.


However today I was caught in an awkward situation that requires me to say..something that I don't really mean. It was a phrase that requires me to reciprocate, so I had to do..just to fit in the moment.


Kinda confused on how to reply. And I hate myself for saying something I don't really mean. But iols pernah cakap I miss you and it was replied with thank you kahkah macam jilake jugak perasaan dia. So really, I really don't know what should I do.


Maybe it doesn't mean as much to people on the other end but to me, it does. Fuh, it sure doesn't feel good when you say something that you don't mean to other people I wonder how people can do this a lot of time?

Kelegaan

So I just did KL - Penang - Kangar - Hatyai - Penang - KL.

Rode on bus to Penang, ETS to Kangar, taxy to Haytai, car to Penang and executive bus to KL. Totally amazed with the train stations. It's like the European's. Proper waiting area, amenities and all. Beza dia train ni singgah Kodiang ja kalau tak ziryes dah sama macam German.

Had my first experience crossing border to Hatyai. Because it was school holiday, it's a bit packed. Wany told me usually there aren't as many people on normal days. Took us around half an hour to get the passport stamped.

Taxy from the border to Hatyai costed us around 650baht, and the journey took around 1 hour. Tak pasti mahal ke tak because the taxy guy was very hard people to negotiate with. Awal tu dia bukak harga 800baht if I'm not mistaken.

In Hatyai itself....all I can say the sellers are not friendly at all. They couldn't care less if you are buying or not so they don't really treat you well. Didn't really shop there because of that cari barang yg memang orang kirim je. But I did went a little gugu gaga over shop that sells flask..periuk..tiffin..sudip. Kahkah dah macam makcik2 dah iolsss.

Food wise..the pulut ayam and mangga are scrumptious. We had lunch at Restoran Hamid- food are so-so but because it has place to pray and toilet with water so it's convenient.

We went to massage parlour but suprisingly enough I didnt go for the full body massage. I went gor the foot massage instead. Badan lekit and we were sweating so I wasn't comfortable to get the full body massage. Rugi sikit especially after Z bragged how good it was. Takpelah, I can always go to my favourite Thai massage in KL...


Balik makan nasi kandaq ketapang - my all time favourite. 10 malam makan nasi sepinggan ape ade hal. Pagi tadi breakfast another round of nasi kandaq ape ade hal. Balik timbang naik 2kg menangis dalam hati now dah banyak hal. Hwaaaa..sedih.


All in all it was an okay trip. Tapi kalau kahwin macam nak cari periuk dekat Hatyai je kahkah berangan abis bile la nak kahwin ni. Hmm.


Somebody went quiet on me apehal tah. Message pun tak berjawab. Oh well.

Berlapang dada

I think I need to learn to berlapang dada. Like really lower lower down my expectation. Like don't expect anything from anyone. That way, I'll be a lot happier.


This is me reminding myself, don't go bitter over little things. Bersyukur lah with what and who you have in your life. At least they are still there, still not given up on you.


Think of those happy moments. Those things that make you smile from ear to ear. All those good memories.

Closing my 2015 Run

New distance recorded - I've ran 16km TRAIL run in FRIM yesterday.

When we first registered, I wanted to go for the 9km category. But I was convinced by Zack it's time to step up my game and because i registered during my birthday, she said I should have gifted myself a longer run.

Little did I know I'm going to be ditched by her halfway through -_-

 It was a hilly trail and there are points where running is almost impossible for newbies like me. For 16km we had to run 2 loops of the trail. So having gone through the first loop, I knew what is coming and how steep the hills were and how demotivating and tiring that can be awaiting me in the 2nd half.

I tried to rehydrate myself as much as I could but with the hilly trail, but cramps are still inavoidable circumstances. I had my first cramp at km8-9 but I shook it off and went on anyway. The cramp subsided after a while.

After finishing first loop, I met Adam, Zack's friend and he told me he's not going for the 2nd loop. Zack was behind me and I thought she is going to join me in the 2nd loop. Checked my phone after I started 2nd loop only to find out Zack ditched me.

Disebabkan tema larian tahun ini just keep swimming, just keep running, I forced myself to just go on. Run, walk or crawl, I need to finish this run. And I finish it at 2:54hours. At the last kilometres I just couldn't take it anymore as the cramp start to be more persistent and just won't go away.

I was just so glad I finished the race. Still experiencing some pain until today but hey, who would have thought this fatgirl can run 16km TRAIL run...

This is my last run for 2015. Last year I ran 6. This year I promised myself to run 7. Registered for 7 but I truthfully only ran 6 because Puma night run didn't really count. 

Next year target?

My first Half Marathon perhaps. Not quite sure if I can run more than 7 so let's just put 7 as a target. Itupun kalau mampu capai. 

MWM - Hulu Langat Trail Run - Green Warrior Run - Mardi-MAEPS Trail Run - Puma Night Run - FRIM Forest Trail Run - Larian MPSJ

Serabut

There's so much things that happened this few days. And so many wrong timing decisions. Such a costly decisions :(

I need to get the house in KL rented soon. Need to furnish it a lil bit here and there and I've got no time to do that... :(

Tangan pun macam sakit. Performed a difficult extractions and it's still aching til now. Maybe need a massage but too lazy to go by myself :(

Still adjusting with the lower dosage of antidepressant. Need to get adjusted soon. Soonest...before I fall even deeper. Kinda missing him now that makes me scared :(


Let's do this WonderWoman!

Angan-angan jadi impian, impian jadi cita-cita

During my schooldays, I've always wanted to be a doctor. But then reality kicks in. And I realized I don't enjoy Biology as I thought I would.

I saw the struggles of my relatives to secure a job and I thought to myself, I will find a job that has a demand so high I need not go through the hassle and disappointment of job hunting. So I thought, okay, maybe not quite a medical doctor, but I should stick in the healthcare line. 

I was still searching for a path back then.

At the age of 17 I finally got my chipped front tooth fixed after living with it for close to 10 years. I was inspired. 

I got straight As for my SPM but only A2 for my Biology and EST, so I said, okay, I can actually still be in the healthcare field. Why don't I choose Dentistry, close enough to Medicine, I guess?

As I started Dentistry, I realized I still have some love for Medicine. I began to love Oral Medicine subject so much because that was the closest to Medicine I can get. At the same time, I also fell in love more towards Dentistry ;)

When I finally started working, I really enjoyed my Oral Medicine/Oral Pathology rotation. I developed a good connection with my specialist, that I even continued with once in 2 week attachment with him. 

However, I have begun to not enjoyed my work in my then workplace. Repetitious. Too many workload. I felt like I was a robot. I became an angry person after seeing around 40 patients per day. I didn't have enough time to have small chit chat with my patients. I didn't enjoy working in Johor. 

But strangely enough, I felt so sad because I felt like I didn't give back enough to the community, despite the fact that I dislike working where I was before.

I resigned from my old workplace and started working where I am working right now. I get to practice my skills again. Loads of things happen. I realized my passion to work on my own and give back to community starting to surpass my dream to become a specialist. 

At this moment, I dreamed of owning my own practice. I want to give back to community with my own way. At one point the dream got shattered when I lost a potential partnership but now I am back in the track.

Another dream was also born as I aim to open a child care centre which caters..erm..almost everything. Won't disclose anything as of now as it's still in the angan-angan phase :P

I am actually a strict person to myself. At times I would like to think I am a high achiever. Becomes specialist has always been my ultimate goal. But right now, I have to work on something else first. 

Ergh..writing this in between loads of patients rasa macam tak sampai plak sepenuhnya perasaan plak tapi still nak buat luahan perasaan. Kahh..Kbye

No chill

Tonight I'm strucked by a very envious feeling. How I wish things go my way.


Or this might just be another case of missing a presence.


Whatever it is, you are still so far like a distant star I'm wishing on tonight.

That day that I finally visited all 14 states of Malaysia

Hello. I am live from kedai mamak, while waiting for my baby to be made up. About time for baby V to get a lil touch up right?


So....i finally visited all 14 states of Malaysia. Kasihan bukan? Dah tua-tua baru nak complete. Takpelah better late than never.


It all started when Fuzah kinda open up the invitation. Her husband has some sort of course in KK and she wants to tag along but she'll be bored during the day. So cut the story short I bought the ticket and flew to KK last Tuesday.


Coz it was just a relaxing-in-the-middle-of-the-week kinda trip, we didn't really plan the activities and just went with the flow. So my KK trip wasn't really a complete one since I didn't visit Kundasang and all that popular spots. Takpe. There's always a next time.


I am a very gayat person. Heights isn't really my bestfriend. But for some reason I wanted to try parasailing. And I went for it. And it was one heck of a good decision because I really enjoyed it. Oklah ade lah terjerit-jerit ketakutan but heck it I really enjoyed it kot. Went snorkelling, wasn't as interesting as Perhentian's but boleyyyy laaaaa buat geli-geli. Hmm. I miss Perhentian.


I also got to meet my dear friend Nabila. Catching up with her always give me some good feeling for some reason. Taktahu macammana mahu explain but saya happy la dapat berborak-borak. Gitchew. We met up at this super hipster cafe called Sharikat Biru-biru and the waffle we ordered was damn good saya terkenang sampai sekarang. Damn it.


However the journey was ended with a slightly bitter note. 30 minutes after takeoff on the flight back home, my stomach doesn't feel good. I thought i was hungry, but at some point I had this urge to go to toilet and off I went.
Spent a while doing number 2 in the toilet and my stomach was having one heck of a cramp. Went out the toilet sebab bersalah because I spent too long in the toilet.


After 2 steps out of the toilet, I felt really dizzy and I blacked out. Freakin black out in the plane!!!!! Drama sungguh ya rakan2. Luckily the cabin crews are nearby, they picked me up and placed me on their seat for recovery.


That flight, although lasted for only 2.5 hours became the longest flight ever as I fought thru the dizziness and stomach pain and diarrhea. Hoih stress gila okay. But really thank you to the cabin crew of flight AK5119 from KK to Klia2. You guys rocked big time. The pilot too!


Encountered another obstacle as I had to drive myself home because I parked my car in Putrajaya Sentral. Swallowed some chi kit teck aun, rested for a while and picked up myself and took the ERL to Putrajaya Sentral. Kept on telling myself I'm a wonderwoman and that I can do it. Gagahkan jugak diri dalam keadaan 5050, drove back home. Safe and alive. Sekali je ade sikit nak termasuk longkang but I managed to regain my control.


So begitulah. It was a bittersweet journey but for sure it was a very memorable one.

Dream Guy?

Every girls will have their very own version of a dream guy.


One who almost never fail to greet you every morning.
One who you can chat over a lunch for 3 hours nonstop that you went with hungry stomach and went back to almost hungry stomach.
One who made you feel so special.
One who hits every right button.
Right amount of fat and meat to hug.
Right amount of height that you feel safe being under his arms.
Chemistry that connects you both more than the covalent and ionic bonds.
Sparks that turns to firework each and everytime you both hit the high times.


But of course God works His thang in such a mysterious way. You can never always get what you want, but you will get what you need.

Thank you for giving me the chance to feel what it's like to have a dream guy, although not for long, not forever. My dream guy is a stranger, and forever a stranger he will be. We made our pitstops, now I have to let go and go on and find my very own destination.

It was a nice ride. And I am back to see the greener side of the grass after spending some time in the dark valley.

Goodbye stranger, I am going to miss you :')

God, I am trusting your plans.

Knock Out Knackered

From now on, I shouldn't really jinx my own so-called weight loss target. It has gone up a bit after few days of eating, eating and so  much eating. Most of my lunch hours were filled with rice, full plate. My appetite has gone crazy this few days. Either because of the hormone, or someone else. Hopefully so by next week I'll be back on the right track. Hormones should start to calm down, and someone else, well, someone else will just be like everyone else in my life who has disappeared. LOL.

But have to say I'm knock out knackered already. It was crazy the past few days. I had fun nonetheless.

Ergh dah tak tau nak cakap ape dah.

What comes may, be strong WonderWoman. We can totally do this alright ;)

November Rain

Oh Hello there.

Was supposed to ran the Puma Night Run last Saturday. I was so excited because it was my first night run.


However the day before I slept at around 3, woke up at 6, fell asleep again and woke up quite late for my work. Soon as I reached workplace, I worked non stop from 10.45 til 230 with the help of Bliss, and that was it. Seen at least 17 people in total I still couldn't believe I did it. Bless the Bliss, breakfast paling mudah dalam dunia. Heh.


In short, despite my enthusiast in running that night, I doubt my ability to pull it off after having very minimal sleep and fatigue from working. But I tried to get as much help as I could. Pisang, Milo, my fat burner pill which I rarely take cause it will cost me my sleep, and - most powerful one : DOA IBU kahkah. I convinced myself I'm a WonderWoman and went to Setia Alam anyway.


It started to rain cats and dogs at around 7.30, and was worsened by the lightnings and all. Kesimpulannya the only running we did that night was...running from the rain. Half of me was disappointed but half of it was relieved because of my condition that night.  We got our medal and all but I still feel it is the most medal tak bermaruah I ever gotten. Hmm.


The next day WonderWoman was finally defeated. Got out from bed only around 2pm. Literally forced myself to sleep and rest, even though I was up before 10am. Had a plan to go to the foodfest but I don't think I can do that. Hmm a bit disappointed la since I was really looking forward to it. Tapi most of the feedbacks were negative ones siap cakap depa pi makan kat amcorp la ss19 la. Still, I felt guilty to my company for pulling out from our supposed outing. WIll make it up to him one day, hehe.


Kesimpulannya semua plan pun tajadi. Haha sedih. Inilah contoh terbesar kita hanya mampu merancang, kan?


That night I felt much better and was kidnapped to Lamp Festival in none other than my top most hated place - Putrajaya. Sebab bukan saya yang drive so layan je la. Major disappointment last-last balik makan dekat Night Circle je. Haha. Tak thrill langsung baik pergi iCity je.


Other than that, nothing much. 4 more kgs away from my supposed 1st target so that I can reward myself with so-called more than rm400 handbag. Kira handbag paling mahal la saya ada sekarang ni paling mahal pun 300 lebih.  Nak tunggu orang kasi hadiah mmg tak dapekla. The next 10kgs after the first one if I ever made it, I will throw a kenduri kesyukuran terus kahkah macam tak de confidence je kan nak buat. Metabolism slows down with age what can we do aight?

Words fail

I've got a lot of things to write, but I can't seem to put the right words to it.

One thing for sure, days are getting brighter each day. I would like to believe the curse has been slowly lifted over even though things could go wrong at any point from here. But I am grateful I don't wake up feeling bad anymore.

Nonetheless, I do feel insecure living in uncertainties. I wish I could peek into the future and see what it has for me. But right here right now, patience is a virtue. A lil patience, a lot of faith is what I keep on telling myself everyday to keep going.

Putting my faith in Him, as He will arrange my life accordingly. One day it will be my turn to get my prayers answered. And til the day arrives, I am going to keep on praying and hoping.

Crunch time

September/October crunch time is O V E R. Alhamdulillah.


You know when suddenly at one time everything needs your attention. That's how I was the last 2 months. I didn't expect the purchase of house involves a lot of side things to be paid. Kahkah. Innocent sungguh saya. These 2 months alone I have to spend quite a lot to settle few things for the house. Insurance and roadtax renewal some more. Kereta pun tetiba nak tukar bearing la apa la. Plus, I was in great stress last month that I took an escape to Pulau Besar despite being broke. Lol. Since I've already borrowed large amount from Mak for the house segan dah nak mintak lagi so I worked extra hard this 2 months.


Aside from taking side jobs here and there, another tips that I read and really worked is to give more when you need more. Like seriously it does wonder. At the time where I really had to fork out money to settle things I would just chip in at any donation drives. This is not about bragging my donations or whatnot but this is simply just highlighting the point that sedekah really gives you more. And of course, never leave out your parents. Initially I negotiated with Mak saying I can't give her sekian sekian for this month but I worked extra and figured out I can still give her what I give her as usual.


Alhamdulillah.


Que sera-sera, aight? :)

Dream guy

If I combine...

X's gentleness and positive aura
Y's physique and wit
with a lil touch of Z's naughtiness

BOOM - dream guy right there.

But you can't always get what you want aight?

Wrapping up last week

Boys In Green's campaign in RWC is over. Stranded in the QF in Argentinian's hands. They were battered front back left right but they fought hard. Breaks my heart to see Paulie at the spectator bench. At one point the scores were so closed, but towards the end they were all tired and injured already.

It's okay. Hopefully they will improve in the next 4 years. There are a few young players who have big potentials I hope they develop well throughout this years :)

X


The past week has been...an interesting one. One thing for sure I need to increase my stamina well. Did variety of calories-burning activities - hiking, badminton, karaoke-ing (yes, I think we burn at least 500kcal from the jumping and dancing) and cycling. The last time I hike was around 2 months ago so my fitness level wass quite poor. Plus, I was on my red flag when I hiked so that slowed me down a bit. Stress jugak la hike dengan orang ni that's why I like to hike by myself. Takyah nak ikut pace ke apa. Kah.

I was quite surprised to find out cycling tires me out faster than hiking. Did a mistake as I took a light breakfast  and almost passed out towards the end. Gave up at few hilly areas, tolak beskal pun menangis dalam hati okay. Lepasni ada cecita nak buat Skytrex tapi saya gayaaaat tatau la mampu dak buat. Let's see if I can be convinced to do those hanging by the air activities.


Last but not least, I am so happy that I finally managed to settle the pest control for my house. And I had a good deal as well. I have surveyed here and there and the market price are usually from RM1500-RM2000 but I had a very very good price. That's one obstacle down, many many more to go. But at least that's a big one. The CDs pun depa dah amik I just give em away. I know I could sell them off tp takpela sedekah kat depa ni lagi bagus. Senang keje iols.



Going through my days, living it one by one. Que sera-sera, what ever will be, will be :)

Taking the leap of faith

I don't know who you are -


But I'm with you

Doing it for others

We don't always get what we desire - that's the truth that hurts. But people said things can be nurtured, developed, grown. Alangkan potato pun boleh tumbuh dekat Mars, apatah lagi benda lain ye dak?

However, to do something that you aren't really...interested. It's hard. When you force something, it's tiring. When your heart is longing for something else but you've been told to do the other things, it hurts.

But I do listen to advises. As stubborn as I might appear, I can accept opinions too. So I'm giving it a try although my heart is screaming this is totally not for me. Kah. Apa boleh buat. It's not like I have a lot of options.

So aku layan je and try to hold on as much as I can. See how far this will go. Risau lebih je tah tah tak kemana pun. Lol.

On another note, I've been asked what do I look for in a guy. Well first of all, I need a manly man. I know it's a bit unfair because I'm not a girly girl..and because I don't have a slim and slender body, I don't fancy petite guy too. And I..if I'm not interested, you will know I'm not interested.

But if one is adamant. I might eventually give in. I have to admit, I'm a lil bit of a clingy person. Clingy in the sense that I want you to be in touch with me almost everyday so if you show your persistence, I might eventually get attached to you. I normally build a huge wall with a person I don't really know but once you managed to break the wall, I can really open to you.

That's why the easiest way to kill me slowly is by be close with me that I put you into the circle very close to my heart, and then one day start to be un-close to me and become distant. I get hurt day by day just by multiple failures of trying to hate you and get you out of the circle. And for the record I didn't even wanna hate you. I just force myself not to get attached to you anymore. Rest assured no one else can come close to this circle anymore. I will build a wall, make a bridge.


Oklah banyak mengarut dah. Lapar. Kbye

To QF it is

First of all, Ireland won over France. So that's a good thing to start the week. It was such a nervewrecking game. But we held on and eventually win it.


Much to the disappointment, Sexton was forced out of the game due to groin injury and he shed manly tears as he walked out the field. Twas such a heartbreaking moment to see him walk away like that. He is a brilliant player and has done tremendous job in the RWC. Another blow is when the Captain himself was down with hamstring injury. Setelah hatiku retak, ia berkecai when I saw him being transported out of the field. :'( Last player to walk out of the field was Peter O Mahony. Another big loss for Ireland. Sigh, it was such a painful game to watch.


Despite injuries over injuries, the team responded really well and marched on towards victory. Ian Henderson who replaced the captain was really a not too bad man himself. Madigan took over the kicking position got his job done quite well although I wish he plays as clever as Sexton does. Patience and efforts brought Ireland to 24-9 victory over France.


To QF this Sunday and we'll be playing against Argentina. May the luck be with the Irish side and speedy recovery to all the injured players..


Other than that...well, I think I am kinda effed up. I tried my best to open up but I failed miserably.

It's just so hard and so painful.  

Keeping the faith

Paranoid

I haven't been working out for a while. Since the haze started I think. Gym tak pegi. Bukit Puchong pun tak naik.

Thank God recently we started to play badminton. Because this is the only workout that I get currently, I wanted to use it as maximum as possible. Not really a good player, yet to grasp the concept of playing doubles but I tried to get the hang of it as best as I can Jack of all trades, master of none is what I'm going for I supposed.

Unfortunately with my weak knees, jumping isn't quite a thing that I can do as much as I'd like to. My knees..they have been good for a while. Last year I admit, they swell up a few times. I had to rely on knee guard to do my hikings. There were times where it'll be hard to climb up and down the stairs and my movements were quite limited.

Alhamdulillah since the past few months my knees have been cooperating well with my activities. I don't don knee guard as much as I did before.

BUT, I will be paranoid each time I do running/dancing/jumping. I can feel the knees are taking it too much, the friction. So each time I have a feeling it's gonna swell up, I will make sure I take precautions. Yesterday soon after I'm back home I took glucosamine pills. Had 2 hard boiled eggs coz I can't really think of any other easier protein source and drank a glass of milk with hope that the nutrients will fix my fucked up knees quick enough before they act up. Ran out of protein powder I think I need to buy one soon.

Hope the haze gets clear soon. I miss my Bukit Puchong weekly hike already. Mesti dah tak fit nak naik ni haishk

Tak tenang

Tak tenang pergi kerja harini.

This morning as usual, morning drive to work. But the windows and screen are all still foggy tapi memang selalu biar je lama-lama ok la. Keluar the main road kejar traffic light split second to red I went anyway because brek mengejut lagi teruk lepastu rasa macam tercium motor.

Dengan kabur-kabur lagi I don't know what happen to the motorcycle. Before my car kissed the ride he was all smiling with me while I raised my hand apologizing sebab dia pun belum hijau dah jalan. There was sound but not a loud one but because my screens are foggy I couldn't really see. Hope he's fine. Check waze takde pulak orang report accident ke apa. Lepastu check group Shah Alam Residents or Daily Traffic Report kot ada orang maki ke buat report kes langgar lari ke. Belum ada lagi.

I hope you are fine, whoever you are. May Allah bless you adeh bersalah gila iols ni.


Anywayy I think my salmon game was on point yesterday. Well you see, I normally bring my lunch from home. Too lazy to face the traffic during lunch time. So yesterday after locum I was thinking what's easy enough to be prepared when you are so sleepy. Thank God ada satu lagi frozen salmon so I grilled it as usual. Whipped up some simple nasi goreng and my usual lazy tomato dish.

But I think that's the best salmon so far. Crispy skin. Not over done. Tazabar nak makan lunch nanti. Tak makan lagi pun tau it's gonna be good. Kah. Perasan kau ni.

I miss going to the gym. Lama dah tak pergi ni since the 1 month try out period is over. Yet to register for membership padahal tengah jerebu-jerebu ni la patut pergi gym kan. Ssokay a lil bit more to go. Getting things sorted and then I will get my focus back on track.

What's wrong with you

I was so hungry this morning, so I had to go lenient a bit with my light breakfast experiment and had tuna french toast. Menyesal sikit because it is the kind of sandwich that has little tiny tuna filling in it and the rest is mayonnaise. Cis, terbazir kalori gua baik amik the chicken filling je it was much better.

Anywayys...it's only 915am and I'm already hungry. I took the breakfast at around 745. One and a half hour later I'm already hungry. What's wrong with you tummy? Bela hantu raya isssit? Trying my best to calm the hungry demon now. It's currently telling me to eat the lunch I packed. Lepastu lunch time suruh kuar lagi cari food. Stressnya.

Or could it be the hormones? I don't know really. Kalau dah gemok cemni kadang kau confused kau memang gemok semulajadi atau hormon yang tak stabil. Tapi biasanya kalau dah ada voices in the head segala it's more of a hormonal rush. There was one time I had A&W rootbeer 3 days in a row because of it. Eceyh takmau mengaku gemok semulajadi pula ni.

x

Other than that yesterday my ex primary schoolmate brought her 4 years old daughter to the clinic I worked with. After my so-called viral status she contacted me and voiced her concern..I told her to bring the daughter for a check up and she wanted to see me. So cut the story short I finally met her after....16 years of leaving primary school. It feels...surreal.and also I feel old. Kawan dah tahap ada anak gigi rosak pun kau masih stuck alone ni. Haha. ok sedih.

I slept early yesterday and this morning woke up to voice msg sent by Zara (my friend's daughter) saying "Thank you doctorr...I am better now" Awwww..cair hati mak nak pepagi dengar camtu. 

Reset

It was a gloomy past few days for me. It still is but I'm hoping for a reset soon.

To make things worse, Ireland displayed a pretty poor performance yesterday. I was biting my nail the whole 80+ minutes with occasional yelling and slamming the cushion like a cuckoo lady watching them playing Italy. It wasn't supposed to be that hard. The last time Italy beat us was around 2013. Since then we had a clean sheet against Italy so it shouldn't be that hard. But gotta admit the Italians were quite good yesterday. Having Sergio Parisse although not to the full time certainly injected some motivation boost to them.

Them boys need to buckle up and get their shit together before meeting the French next week. Quarter final already qualified and it's a matter of who we are playing against now. Finish 2nd in the group and we'll be facing the All Blacks so that's about it. Keeping my hopes high the luck will be at the Irish side and we'll take the group lead. Really hope Rob Kearney is fit to play again.


X

Other than that, hoping to find something that will fix my shitty mood. Dah lama sangat teringin nak karok ni. Yet to find someone to go with. Ingat nak huha dengan the girls this weekend pun turned out to be something I don't quite expect it to be....Takpelah apa boleh buat.


A reset. I need a reset. Hope things get better soon too.

P/S : Checked my so-called viral status and it had 46 shares. Lol. Greatest online achievement so far!

Tips-tips mengunjungi klinik gigi?

Close to 4pm yesterday, I attended to a patient who complained of pain over the left lower side of her mouth. During working, the time I am tired the most is around 11.30am and above and 3.30pm and above. Energy drained out. Pinggang dah start sakit. 

So upon examination I found out she has one tooth that needs to be filled. I proceeded to do so. Her mouth opening weren't too good. I know she could open wider when I asked her to do so but she kept on closing. So I had to say open your mouth wiiiiiide every 10 seconds. At one point during the procedure, it must have hurt a lit bit too more that she grabbed my hand while I was holding the handpiece (or famously known as the driller....) INSIDE her mouth. A slip of my hand could easily hurt her cheek. 

Fuh. Pet peeves people, my pet peeves when it comes to treating a patient. So please, please please don't grab our hand when we are operating, it puts YOU in danger not me. Hurting you accidentally is the last thing I would like to happen on that time of the day. 

That wasn't the first time. It happened a couple of times. So it inspired me to come out with the fb post to membebel sebab I dah penat petang tu and I don't have teman bebelan anymore, also with hope to educate my friends in FB. 

A while after I uploaded, my more famous fb friend shared my post so I think this is a good opportunity to educate more people so I made my post open to public. The post had almost 100likes so it's good to know people are reading. I logged on my facebook with a desktop this morning and was suprised to see the post was shared by 17 people, of which only 5 or so were in my friend list. Lain-lain semua friends of friends or even random people. 

Tak sangka bebelan kepenatanku turns out to be some sort of beneficial tips for others. Lol. I even had few messages in my inbox from my friends asking a few things about their oral health and all. Wah. Rugi I takde duit nak bukak klinik sendiri. Kalau tak dah boleh grab the opportunity dah. Keh.

So I thought I'd share with you people (if any) who came to my blog. Selalu post meroyan, sekali sekala belanja la benda berfaedah sikit innit?

Kbai

Silence please

Overly excited fangirl

The haze is pretty bad these past few days. Classes have been cancelled so more patients for us I supposed. I slept pretty late last night stayed up watching Ireland played Romania. I knew Ireland would take the win but I miss seeing Tommy Bowe playing...so stay up it is. 

Bowe and Zebo both my favourite. Zebo is a Munstermen so I being a Cork alumni I am rooting for him. Lol. They both messed up pretty bad during the last test against England that made them lose the place for the World Cup.

I think Joe Schmidt lined up his second best players against Romanian because well, Irish player are apparently very famously known for injuries. We have another 2 bigger games ahead against France and Italy so we cannot afford to lose the star players I supposed. Can see the differences between the players coz the games were a bit sloppy yesterday. Reddan was a bit confused whereas Conor Murray would have played his role as playmaker more neatly I must say.

But this is..coming from a girl who doesn't really know the game rules and everything la. I enjoyed watching, know a bit here and there about the rules but I also watched for the eye candies la.

See here the ever good looking macho Mr Bowe. 2 tries not bad huh? Almost made it to 3!

Overall I think Irish team has the best looking player because I am super biased like that. To name a few HeartRob Kearney, Zebo, Bowe of course, Jared Payne...even Healy,  Heaslip and the ever fierce Mr O Connell looks good because they are the Irish lads. Aku rasa kalau Castrogiovanni play for Ireland pun I might say him a good looking too LOL. The Americans and Scottish aren't too bad themselves. Can't really say the same about the Uruguayans tho. HAHA. Kbai.


Last night after the game I was a bit pumped up because the adrenaline from Ireland winning kept me  wide awake. I had a good chat from someone from the past. It's been 15 years and we managed to find each other again. The wonders of social media huh? I was quite surprised he still recognized me even after all this while. We both had a good laugh on the random encounter but we both agreed, it's a wrong timing to see each other again. He's not settled down yet but a lil bit complicated la. Plus I don't think he fits me just like how it didn't work out years years ago. Not my cup of tea I'd rather drink ayaq kosong ja. Kah.

But gotta be extra careful dengan dia ni he's witty and funny and sometimes he pulls off a few ayat manis that could sweep you off your feet. When he first re-introduced himself pun I can hear Taytay singing I knew you were trouble when you walked innnnn~~~ Whatevs la lagipun I can't trust men with words anymore.

Pretty excited for the coming weeks may the odds be ever in the Irish team favour. 

Facebook Memories

Facebook has this thing where it shows you throwback of what went on in your page on that date, years years back. This thing has someway hurt me looking at how has things changed.

How friendship has become so distant.

I used to be thousands miles apart, hundress miles apart, but nothing feel so far to certain people who used to be so close to me like how I feel right now.

I so want to bring myself to text "Have you been so busy? When are we finally going to meet up and just...hangout" but I just can't. Hurts me to think the rejection or the plan cancellation that might come ahead. I'll just wait up for my invitation instead, if there will be any, that is.

We also haven't been in touch that frequently. Some texts might be exchanged once in a while, enough to know we are both alive, but not quite adequate to know what has been going on in our lives.

Well, at least they are happy now living their lives. That's good to know. Even I don't get to see them anymore, may Allah protect them, always.

Aidiladha di kota

I don't know why I decided not to take a leave today. Probably because we celebrated Aidiladha at Cik Wa's and since it's only like 15 mins away from home, I thought, oh well might as well work on Friday.


Ergh, now regretting my decision. I thought it would be free and easy. But not quite. Dalam kesenyapan PK ni I've seen 12 pts already. I thought it would be at most 5. Lol.


Since I broke my fast last Wednesday, I have been eating non-stop. NON STOP ok. This year we decided to do gathering at CikWa's. Lepastu bila Cik Cho hantar gambar Cik Aris tengah masak ungkep sorang-sorang terus sedih. Sorry Cik Aris!


That Wednesday night we had asam pedas, ayam semur with nasi beriyani and nasi impit for break-fast / dinner. After that we started prepping on things for tomorrow. I volunteered as Mak Tip's sous chef for daging beriyani and helped Cik Imah's rendang cili padi here and there. Started a bit late and only managed to get done with the daging beriyani at 1.45am. Because i didn't bring any clothes to change, I went back home that night.


The next morning we went to Cik Wa's again. Had daging beriyani, ayam rendang cilipadi with nasi beriyani and nasi impit for a start. Had talam cendol and kuih lompang as the sides. Petang sikit Cik Imah whipped up her mihun goreng tomyam which was bloody tasty. It was then continued with my lasagna which turned out pretty good considering my last one was quite sometime ago.


Around 6pm the BBQ started and we ate and ate non stop until the grand finale - ikan jenahak was served. Well it was worth the wait. Reached home around 11.30 that night and I had to work today.


zzzzzzzz


Pagi tadi pun akak-akak ni bawak lauk for those who had to work today. Mati la nak tak berhenti-henti ni makan. Tak muat nanti baju nak pakai next week >.<

Awaaaaa saia taaa kuaaad

Ran my 5th run this year. Last year I ran 6. This year target 7. Hopefully dapat la cecah target. Also I haven't ran any under 10km run yet to test my speed. Need to find one before the year ends I supposed.


Semalam I worked almost the whole day. 10am-9.30pm and in between ada break I went to settle some stuff. Pagi tu tak henti from 10-12, senyap sekejap 1220 sampai la pukul 3 tak henti-henti.
Pinggang dah nak patah tp Alhamdulillah. Rejeki disaat ku memerlukan. #sisbersyukur

Balik malam baru sedar I didn't prepare for the run at all. Protein nak abis. Susu tinggal sikit. Tido pun lambat sebab tengok rugby. I almost didn't run but because I walloped a whole set of burger special with onion ring and fries segala, I had to run kalau tak berdosa besar oi.

Woke up this morning, so groggy lepas subuh doa lebih I could finish the run because I am deadly tired. Singgah 7e beli neskepe, telan fat burner bawak toujours segala I need all the help I can to complete the run.

Alhamdulillah walaupun menangis di km ke 9 I managed to finish the run in less than 1.5 hours. Interestingly during the run 3x the same guy ran and stopped beside me while I was walking and made small chit chat. Tapi sayangnya kekakak time lari takleh cakap sangat sebab simpan energy so I ended up only nodding and smiling while he talks. If I met him again after the finishing line I will definitely talk to him bole tahan jugak abang tu tapi sebab abis lari memang tak larat sangat I went straight away to my car.


Annnyyyywaaaaayyy...

The Rugby World Cup has started. My favourite, favourite game. At some point in my life my ideal man is one who plays rugby/ used to play rugby. Tapi sebab umur 28 pun tak kahwin-kahwin lagi kekakak pasrah and can't be choosy can't I? Lol. Of course I'll be rooting for Ireland. Tempat jatuh lagikan dikenang, apatah lagi tempatku menimba ilmu. Acewwah. My 2nd favourite will be Japan, 3rd only All Blacks. Dulu iols pakai pencilbox All Blacks tau pergi sekolah. #coolsangat


Why rugby tho? Well, all sports excite me but this one got me the most because I think it's a game played by gentlemen. They play rough, they bleed here and there but they still get the game going. Bola sepak tersadung kaki pun nak nangis guling-guling. And they are played by well-built player. I loike.


Well it's gonna be interesting 6 weeks to see who reign as the champion. Almost all Ireland's game will be on Sunday at 11.45pm mati la nak lambat la nak tidur esok pergi kerja. Oh well, few days only can't really hurt you right?

Making some changes

After around 2 weeks of not having any breakfast but yoghurt drink, I finally broke the so-called rules eating scrambled eggs and a slice of bread. I get hungry more if I take my breakfast so I am just doing some experiment to see how my body reacts.


Was quite worried after the badminton session yesterday I started to ache here and there and I have a run this Sunday. Not a good timing for injury so I made sure I consume a lot of protein for muscle repair and whatnot. Let's hope everything goes okay dah lah it's been 2 months since my last run. Mau kang menangis seret kaki ke garisan penamat ni..


Today I tried to make some changes with the way I treat my patients. Sebab depa ni comes from different set of people with patients I used to treat for the first 2 years of my working life, I have to grab this chance to educate too. Back then I work like a robot, emotionless and repetitious. Patient comes in, patients request, I do. Ulang banyak kali, ulang hari-hari. Now that the patient load has slightly decreased, I should try to educate them more. Get them understand what am I doing.


However, patients' load is a bit heavy this morning, compared to other days. By 12pm I have seen 34 patients, and that's quite tiring. Selalu sehari pun tak sampai 34 orang. Tried to educate as much as I could but at one point I am just too tired already. Nak cakap pun dah tak larat. Takpelah, next time I'll do better.

Nad no sleep is no good

You know what's one of my pet peeves during texting?

No closure. Like tetiba tergantung. I understand when it comes to sleeping time people might fell asleep. But sometimes in the middle of the day texts went unreplied with no closure really drives me mad. Aku try nak balas buat balik dekat orang but I just can't. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

Oh well, that is just my problem I guess.

Having trouble sleeping actually. Took nescafe pre badminton session for some energy and now kinda regretting it. Nad no sleep is nad overthinking things. Lepastu bengang sendiri. Lol.

I had a dilemma as to what should I do post night workout session. Need to consume something to replenish my energy tapi it's already too late. Tapi post workout is the best time to eat something because that's when your metabolism is at top. I endedup taking half a spoon of protein with skim milk. Sedihnya disaat kegawatan ekonomi ni protein nak abis dah. Need to spare some for this Sunday that's why I took only half a spoon.

Thirty four days to get over this crunch time. Pray hard things go well.

Baby steps

Emo no mo

Shark week has started. So that explains the steady increase in anger and one heck of a turbulence in the emotional ride. The random outburst listening to songs, after some misunderstanding with the guard, and  after looking at random pictures. The very intense feeling of sakit hati to things that has somewhat normally occured. Tapi zeries bengang betul la dengan guard bergigi rompong tu beria-ia suruh beli sticker parking when I told him I don't need it I'm not gonna stay in the apartment. Mood ruined abis by guard gigi rompong that day cis bedebah.


Well, I should have expected it coming. But still can't control the mood swings. Ku hanya perempuan lemah. Lols.


Makanan sugul bulan ini ialah charkueyteow from this one restaurant in sek19. It was really, really good. Sugul punya pasal iols belasah udang galah/sotong/kerang sekali. Tapi kena assobru la waiting time close to 1 hour sebab they are very very understaffed. 1 cook. 1 buat air. 1 cashier cum tukang angkat pinggan. 1 multipurpose kakak who did every bit of this and that. But it was all worth it.


X


Anyway Sept/Oct is such a critical time. Crunch time. I'd like to just pass out temporarily and wake up in November but I know it won't happen. Atau mungkin by the time aku sedar mungkin dah tertimbus dalam tanah 6 kaki dalam. I hope I can manage everything well. Doa kuat may He eases my way.

It doesn't matter

I think it doesn't matter

Whether I reply or not. Whether I text or not. Whether I keep in touch or not.

Because I don't matter to 'em like how they matter to me. Hangpa won't feel sad when not hearing for me even for just few days. Hangpa doesn't really care what's going on even if we used to know about almost everything we do. Hangpa doesn't feel I am someone to share your concern or your worries.

In short, it doesn't matter. Because hangpa lived well, lives well and will live well without my presence. They are happy so I gotta deal with my own problems. I am sad? I am mad? Deal with it yourself.

Comforting With A Lie

Cermin gym yang buat saya perasan nampak kurus sikit.


Itulah manusia, they liked to be comforted with lies, only to be hurt by the truth later.

Hakikatnya masih gemok :(

Be happy -

Hello Monday, another day, another new week.

My mood has been awfully unstable these few days. Sejajar dengan ketidakstabilan mood ini, it also has been awfully quiet. Silence. And I began to think that things are really approaching the other end now. Maybe the wavelength has differed now, maybe there are no more things to be talked about, maybe the other side is in so much happiness that it need not to get to touch over this side anymore. Maybe just maybe.

Well, whatever it is, be happy now. Whatever you do, wherever you are, just - be happy.


Other than that there are still things that I wanna do but haven't managed to do so. I miss going to karaoke. I so badly wanted to go for massage. Massage I can go alone. Karaoke? Well, that would be too pathetic to go alone. Ada jugak la aku ajak tapi nampaknya nama aku masih belum naik dalam prioriti senarai untuk keluar hangout bersama lagi so I've just got to wait la I guess.

Kah. Bitter benar nampaknya. Well, be happy everyone. Be happy. You need not come over to this side anymore you just be happy with your lives.


On another note, I went to the house to try to clean it, again. The water supply is back so I thought I could do more. The day before I worked for the whole day so I was quite beaten up. I thought I could force myself for a second round cleaning but unfortunately I can't. Maybe sebab takde mood or tak makan nasi lemak royale kot. Lol. Only managed to clean the cockroach-infested refrigerator and that's quite it.

Lain-lain ada la mop the whole house but I don't think it's sufficient. The house needs some good sental-an. Mopping alone is not enough. I will save that after the termites problem is under control. Informed the securities the house is up for rent but I will put up an advertisement later when it's more ready.

Sebenarnya if I were more enthusiastic to clean the house boleh je fokus satu-satu ruang and get a thorough cleaning done tapi semalam serius takde mood. Balik, makan, too tired that I slept that evening. I rarely sleep especially after asar tapi semalam I just can't go on anymore.. Lepastu malam sambung kemas bilik sendiri pulak and again, tak larat nak abiskan.


Hoping this week goes well. Bahaya ni kalau layan mood cenggini berterusan :P

.....

SAKIT!

Recently my hands are quite fragile. It started with an episode of difficult extraction which kinda screwed up BOTH of my hands and it hasn't really heal ever since. As one whose works really rely on the hands, this got me really, really annoyed. 

I started to go easy on extraction. Eased up my appointments and made sure there are only 1-2 cases each day just to recuperate. It got better slightly but I made a big mistake carrying the rubbish up and down last Monday and it started to ache again. Apa bole buat takde orang tolong haritu kah. Til now, even doing other things tire my hands easily..

However I can't be choosy with whom or what kind of treatment I would like to do. It's not nice to let patients wait for long just because you simply don't wanna do it. I tried just now because I just extracted one before so I wanted to rest a bit but the patient ended up waiting for so long I just don't have the heart to make him wait any longer.  Bunyi macam I run the clinic alone but no, and I just don't know why...........

I really need my massage fix. My knees are starting to acting up again because I overdid in my RnB class last Tuesday. Tapi few days ni macam-macam betul cabaran mendatang semoga ade la benda yang baik datang menjelma later..

The first round - ting ting ting!

Finally got my ass around cleaning the house - for the first round. Looking at the condition of the house I think it needs at least 3 times of cleaning. Macam minyak seri murni, proses penyulingan 3 peringkat ke ape tah. Macam tu lah. 

Before cleaning the house, I forced myself to eat a plateful of nasik with lauks sampai rasa nak termuntah so I could force myself to do as maximum cleaning as I can for the first round. Makan dah banyak burn pun kena la banyak kan. Lol.

First thing that I got rid of is somewhat you can call rubbish from the owner and the previous tenants. The owner used to be a DJ so he's got 2 full boxes of CDs which he doesn't want anymore. I knew about the CD before and I was hoping I could get someone to help me to bring it out of the house. Didn't want to get rejected straight away so aku guna skill tabligh "do you have 10 minutes to spare" and it was replied with "I've got to be somewhere else after this" lol. #siskecewa #sissedih. 

The CDs collection. Kalau jual kat Mudah ade ke orang nak ni? Banyak lagu Melayu, Indo, dangdut etc

Terus rasa macam marah kecik hati semua lah segala that I talked to myself fine! I'll do everything myself. Mentang-mentang la aku hanya aku macam biasa la merapu fikir macam-macam sendiri sambil marah-marah dalam hati. Haha padahal maybe the other person dah tazabar nak pulang rindu arnab ke kucing ke dah ada orang ternanti-nanti ke. But the disappointment was a good thing terus semangat aku nak kemas rumah. So I gotta thank 'em for the drive! Tapi I attempted to lift one of the box myself and my waist literally cracked after the attempt. Terus tak jadi letak tepi je :( 

After around 3 trips of up and down throwing the rubbish I finally got rid of most of the thing I wanted to get rid of. Ada tinggal a few lagi yang sememangnya tak larat nak angkat sendiri... Geram je tengok ada barang-barang picisan yang terbiar lagi ubat gigi lah shaver lah shampoo yang dah kosong la dalam the toilets and ada biskut ok dalam fridge!! Haha I was cursing in my heart. Kalau aku jadi owner memang tak pulangkan balik deposit rumah kat budak-budak ni. Kahkah. As I write right now my hands and waist are very, very sore from lifting heavy stuff up and down the 4 floors. Like very very. Esok kompem kena buat kerja dengan bantuan painkiller. 

Lepastu baru kemas to the termites'-attacked spaces. Did what I could do. At one part macam ada kayu random yang of course la mengundang anai-anai. It's not supposed to be there pun I thought to myself apakah budak-budak ini membela anai-anai? Like bagi kayu tu to feed the anai-anai ke apa? I knew I need to call pest control but at least berjaya legakan la sikit hati bila dah sapu pasir-pasir habuk tu semua, although not all tapi I tried my best. Kayu tu buang laju-laju sakit jantung kejap tengok anai-anai macam lari bertempiaran. Next time I need to remind myself to bring mask and gloves for cleaning. 

Next thing I moved on to the balcony. For some reason, the balcony was flooded with water and mold and yucky thing. Major speedbump to my cleaning is, the water supply has been locked by the maintenance and I have to wait before the previous owner settle the bill and whatnots. Ada sikit je air dalam tank yang I have to spare for wudhu' and cleaning my hands so I've got to work creatively. 

I had to sodok the yucky water that filled in the balcony, sodok punya sodok dapat la sebaldi T____T Lepas dah kurang sikit air tu baru I found out the hole that was supposed to drain the water was clogged. Unclogged the hole baru la ok sikit but I still need to clean the mold and whatnot. Nasib la rumah ni banyak mop so I just used the mop and threw it away after using it. Memang tak kuasa nak cuci dah lah takde air. Did my best and proud of it. Takde air pun berjaya I bersihkan. Geram je tengok kulat-kulat kat dinding kalau ada air memang dah sental abis dah tadi pun dapat sental mana yang dan je. 

After and before. Terbalik plak susun. See the before? Nak nangis rasanya mula-mula tengok. Dengan ada kayu lah kotak lah, kulat and sesampah banyak gila. #sisstress

Lastly I separated what to be got rid of next, with people's help and what to stay. Kalau ada air I would have clean off the floor and wiped the cabinets. Pull the sofa off the wall so it wouldn't be infested by the termites. Swept off the whole house up and down although I know it's a bit pointless sebab nanti mesti habuk balik but at least hati aku tenang. 

/ - The final look of the house before I leave
No's are the before picture of the house. Haishk, full of NOPEs!

Worked until around 7 sebab macam dah takut sikit duduk rumah tu sorang-sorang. I changed into my gym attire to clean the house and couldn't be bothered to change back. Maka pulanglah dengan baju dan muka busuk itu. 

Next up is pest control, dan pestering the previous owner to settle the maintenance bills so I could get some part of the house fixed. Lepastu buang barang berat tu, cuci the whole house baru up the ads for rent. While waiting for new tenant nanti baru nak fikir lain what I can do to make the house better. Wah kau beria dah plan!

I need my break :(

Today I am thankful that I managed to be present at my bestfriend's reception. Siap kena jadi pengapit lagi that was really my first time, and I was nervous as heck. Pengantin relax je I neves lebih. I hate doing job that puts me on the spotlight, walaupun not the main spot tapi still kena tempias light-light la kan?


Anyway job done :)


Although, how I wish I'm in the middle of the island, chillaxing. Or in the middle of the nature enjoying the fresh air. Badly needs an escapade to reformat my mind and body. I had the bookings done and arranged but I had them undone too. Takkan la nak miss the reception, especially when most of the girls can't make it.


Ssokay. Maybe I should pay a visit to my favourite thai massage place for a quick fix. Alone. Kesian. Kah. I am kinda screwed up I just went to spa 2 days ago but I did not enjoy the massage at all. I am missing the touches of the Thais masseuse :(


I, I am just at a state of utter confusion. I just hope the days will get better someday. Someday, somehow.

Denial

First of all, this - 

is my happiness today. Unfortunately this is the only positive thing I can dig in for today.

So yeah this is my source of happiness that came all over from the other side of the world. Even though I think I took one size larger but I'm still a happy camper.


My mind still wonders around the house. The termites problem is getting quite big and I'm so itchy to get rid of it but I need to clear up the house first. Aih perangai tak sabar mula berleluasa biasa dia ni! I will do the cleaning slowly, one by one. Sebab bajet pun tak berapa nak ada apa-apa yang reti buat sendiri, I will do it. If only I know how to repair the toilet flush and sink.....


I'm sorry, whoever is reading this post (kalau ade lah), at this point you can just shut it off because this is the point where I start rambling..














Next thing I need to get over the denial stage and be in the acceptance mode already.  There are few issues that I have in my chest that I would like to let it out straight to the person but I need to hold back, turn around and walk away. Selama ni ada yang tak puas hati mesti eventually akan terluah jugak but this time around, I need to just fuck it off. But aku tau perangai aku ni selagi terbuku didada I will keep bringing it up, on and on again in the blog.

I think despite all the ketakpuashatian and whatnot, I am actually missing the good ol times. It's like taking out something that has been a part of me for the past years and I feel empty, and rindu. But rindu is not a good thing to feel so I am forcing it to become hatred. Unfortunately I did not manage to do it.

From the best of buddy to somebody I used to know? I don't know. Only time will tell. 

Pening Kepalaku Pusing

Senarai kesyukuran / positive things to be thankful of today

1) S&P and loan signed.
Although, sigh...banyaknya lagi benda yang mendatang. Takpelah I'll deal it one at a time. Berperang-perang harini hati dan perasaan. First time for everything, mesti la ada cabarannya ye dok?

2) Yang paling patut dihappykan hari ini. Bersyukur kerana dihari pening ini I was with my two favourite people. Although not for long, tapi jadi la..



Cukuplah for today. I need to try to keep calm and carry on..

#siscuba

Yesterday recorded a history where I only took lunch and that was it. Pagi tu tak breakfast malam balik kerja terus tido sebab penat terok. Now that's something new. If I can keep it up I'm sure that'll help with losing some kilos.


But unfortunately today I'm back to my 5 meals/day self. Breakfast lunch dinner snack complete. Tadi pergi gym I was the only student in the R&B class. Luckily the instructor was good looking enough to attract me to stay in the class, but not too handsome that might got me distracted. Kira just nice la nak belajar dance. Again he praised me for having the feel and moves of a dancer *insert emoticon pakai sunglass cool disini* Lepastu dia kata lepasni jangan la miss class bole blajar choreography the whole song. #siscuba #sisterharu


Lepastu tadi I had something to share. You see, it was my hmm what you call it..habit to share something with someone but I knowwwww I need to slow down on that habit. So I thought it's not good to disturb la kan kau berpada-pada la nak kena warning lagi ke. I also realized there's a trend where after certain time, it will be silent. Before ni ok je there's always something to talk about. So macam dah ada zon larangan plak haha..Terbantut terus sexcited nak share #sissedih #sislupa #siscubatabah


Senarai happy harini

1) Payday payday. After around 50 days since the last payday, this is the one that has been waited the most. We survived fellow gahmen servants! Kahkah

2) lepak dinner with the aunties td konon-konon celebrate birthday maktip.

3) Esok cutiiiiii weeheeeeeeee

Kbai

Paksadiri

Things that I should be happy about this weekend :

- abundance of good food. Eventho it made me even fatter..sigh
- my aunties uncles and cousins. Always, always happy times.

Goyah

Today I realized I am not as functional as I thought. I thought most of the concerning stories will be shared with me, apparently it is not. So yeah I'm almost a useless entity.

Sedih. Almost shaken up my effort to keep being positive. Sigh.

So what's there to be thankful of/ positive about today?

Hmm

Okla, so..

- In the middle of economy crisis, I am thankful my job allows me to earn extra money from working extra time. The earning is not that much, but at least I get to reward myself with something from time to time. Ada orang nak hidup to meet the ends pun tercungap :(

Selamat

Diam lamanya, tertidur agaknya.
Selamat tidur. Selamat pagi, selamat siang dan selamat malam untuk kesenyapan yang bakal mendatang.
Didoakan semoga selamat semuanya.
Malam terakhir untuk saat bertukar bicara sebelum datang saat sepi selalunya.


Senarai positif harini;
- Syukur diberi kekuatan untuk terus mengheret diri ke gym. Biarpun berat rasanya dek sakit sengal yang mula menjelma.
- Item dispatched. Menanti bungkusan yang beribu batu jauhnya ;)

Making Progresses

Went to my second HIIT class yesterday and I think I have slight improvements compared to last week. Not quite there yet I think I can do better than I did yesterday but at least I could do half of the reps. Semoga istiqomah la nak pergi gym ni semalam pun berperang-perang dengan diri nak pergi.


Today I am feeling the sore already. Rasenya last week tak la sakit macam ni . Maksudnya betul la tu semalam aku buat bersunggoh sikit. Lulz.


I think because I am such a negative person, I need to force myself to look at positive aspects of my life. So I shall start it on a daily basis with hope that I can eventually lessen my negativity and widen my positive counterpart. Imma start with my own 30 days of happiness thingamajig.


So..

• I am happy I managed to drag my ass to the gym yesterday and brought myself to attend the HIIT class despite being so not fit 
• I am happy I finally get to have a dinner with my bestfriend 

The greatest humiliation

Yesterday I had one of the greatest humiliation ever. Like, ever ever.

So I went to the gym and was all excited because I thought the timetable was fixed. All geared up to learn the next choreograph for Get Dirrrty. Wah cikgu puji sikit terus kau rasa kau macam dancer.

Spent a good 20 minutes at cross trainer, another 7 at the bicycle just to kill time before the class. Went down to the studio and saw lots of Aunties and an unknown instructor. They brought the step, the weights and the yoga mat. Shit. I missed my R&B class and like it or not I had to join that class because I gotta make my trip worth it.

Much to my surprised it was a HIIT class - a HIGH. INTENSITY. INTERVAL. TRAINING. class.  I got all the mats and weights and steps laid out in front of me it would be awkward to run now.

The class was tough. And I am enveloped in too much of fats I couldn't even hold lifting up my butts to do the full sets. What. A. Shame. My abs cramped, my legs were sore and my hands, well they were shaken up and I didn't even follow the full reps and sets. Out of 20 counts maybe I did 5 or 7 tops?

Erghh. Back then in JB I did similar things in the sessions with my PT. I don't know is it the fact that I sat on a step  rather than on a bench that made it harder to lift up my butt during the exercise. Or the fact that A, my PT was  good looking that I pushed myself hard and that he will be supporting me whenever necessary. Kah.

Giving myself a month before I can fully follow the reps and sets. Biase ni lelemak degil ni pemalas tamau angkat.

I kinda miss my gym in JB. Because I was one of the very very very few Malay ladies in the gym, the guys were more attentive. When I come, X would follow me around before being shooed away by A for disturbing me. Then come Abang Sado 1 to give some motivations before Abang Sado 2 and 3 come and bugged in. At times the ever persistent Abang Special Force will join me at the resting table bla bla. But back then I was off limiting myself because I don't want to end up with anyone in Johor and settled down there. Kah jauh aku fikir tapi yes, I dodged every bullet fired. Ajak apape pun taknak.

It's hard, but I got to go on still :(

I got moves~

A month ago, I bought a Groupon voucher to a gym nearby my house. The thing about me is, I like to go to what I call a proper gym - completed with proper changing room, proper equipment, ample spaces, and preferably with studios that cater different classes. Back in JB I found one that I really liked and frequented because it matched my criteria.

I made my research and found the gym nearby my house fitted the criteria. Wanted to go but syaiton pemalas held me up really well. One find day last Ramadhan when I was so bored I browsed through Groupon and found a deal by the gym. I purchased it. RM58 for unlimited access to gym and classes that's quite a good deal. I only realized last Tuesday was the last day for redemption. Lulz. Pemalas nak mampus. So  I went.

The gym was not too bad, Well-equipped, big enough and the changing room has sauna - very similar to my gym in JB. The thing about going to the gym is you need a willpower to actually drive to the gym, and stronger willpower to use the exercise machines well. A tips that worked well with me is joining classes like zumba will help to force your lazy arse to make your trip to the gym well worth it. Kalau kau pergi lepastu setakat main beskal 10 menet dah penat, baik takyah. At least joining dance classes forces you to move your body at least for a good 50 minutes.

So the first day I joined Zumba. Much to my surprise, Zumba tires me more than trail running or running 10km. I went back home with very tired and aching body. Slept quite early that night although, of course I woke up in the middle of the night due to the depressed state I'm going through right now.


Yesterday I was so lazy to go. My leg is aching, my body is tired. I checked the timetable - it was R&B class. Well, R&B should be less tiring than zumba. I went anyway. Reached there quite early so spent the first 30 mins doing cross-fit and rowing.


At the beginning of the class there was only me, the other lady and the instructor. The lady looked like a frequent so risau la sikit nanti iols terkebil-kebil Later on another older lady joined in fuh nasibla kalau tak iols paling tak fit :P The instructor looked a bit cold in the beginning. We warmed up to Gangsta Paradise song and I thought to myself eh ni bukan R&B niii salah konsep ke aku salah paham.


As the class progressed, sangkaanku slightly meleset. Yes R&B is slower than zumba but you gotta have some slick moves to match the beat. Kau macam kena beralun ombak but at the same time be energetic enough. We spent the last 20minutes trying to get the choreograph of the song Diirrrrty right. Peluh-peluh mak nak....


At the end of the class, the instructor went to me and asked

Have you dance before?

I said no. Well, I join zumba maybe 3-4 times but that's it.

Oh you are actually quite good. You have the dancers' feel, dancers' move.

Kahkah. Siapa sangka. Malas je nak tunjuk. Dulu pergi Sarawak gua gerak kiri-kanan je kat Rainforest Music Festival tu sebab beg berat. Kalau tak memang dah body popping semua terkejut je semua kat situ kang.


Kembang muntut kejap dengar cikgu puji. Well, kalau perut tak berlipat-lipat lemak tak bergoyang-goyang, memang gua dah quit kerja join jadi penari. Kahkah.

And last night I slept throughout the night. Alhamdulillah. :)