Word

It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.. - Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist.


Will mine ever come true?


Motivation is slowly going down the drain. The further I am from my motivation, the weaker I get. I need to build strength in this place full of sick strange darkness.


Strength. It takes discipline and bravery and persistence.
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Motivation

Motivation is what pushes you forward when everything else is pulling you back.

Back at home for a long weekend. Back on the threadmill after a few weeks on hiatus. Endorphine boosted, head gets clearer.


It starts with the intention to look good. But now I'm shifting focus to live healthier and slowly gain my confidence that has been long gone.


Bismillah.. Moga dipermudahkan :)
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The conflict...The plateau phase

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim..


Finally managed to steal time to update on my weight loss journey. Too occupied with my working life and adjusting to the new place...and it also starts to affect my battle..


Working life is a my biggest challenge currently. Why?

1. I have no time to work out. Back home I have threadmill in my house so I can just use it whenever I wish too.

2. Managing your diet at workplace is very very challenging. They sneak in food whenever possible. It's hard to resist especially when you are just finished doing some difficult procedure, when you are tired etc.

3. I get tired easily. And I get hungry easily. It's hard to control the amount of food I eat especially during dinner time. The past few weeks since I started working I have been dining out mostly. Nafsu makan susah nak control bila baru balik dari kerja kepenatan -__-

4. I don't have mak's cooking to support my diet. Back then mak used to cook only steamed food. All healthy. All low calories. But now I had to resort to restaurant's food. Oily. Unhealthy.

5. I am under great stress because of this new life. So far from home and my dear friends. So many new things to adapt. Certain people at work annoys me like hell. So lonely at times :( 

As a result, my weight has hit a plateau phase. 3 months since I started, I lost about 13kg on the first 2 months and as of now it has only been reduced by 2kg...

Upper right, upper left, lower right all are mak's baju. Lower left is a picture of mak (most right) with wearing the baju that I borrowed to Ida's wedding. Too bad I don't have a picture as I was too busy entertaining Nayli that day..

But I'm going to look at the positive side. Because putting too much stress on yourself is a factor of gaining weight as well. At least I have lost 15kg since I started. I can fit in most of the clothes I used to wear before I went abroad. And the biggest success is to fit in to my mak's baju kurung again. So handy as mak has a lot of nice bajus that I can just grab to go for weddings etc..


So I need a to come out with a plan. Really really don't want to jinx it by writing it now, before I even do it.... But I'm just going to put it here to serve as a reminder to myself as well.

1. Register in a gym and start to work my arse off. I went to a JomFit session organized by Kevin Zahri and realized that dance exercises are really exciting! Made my research and found a gym that offers a wide range of dance classes with superb facilities. Terpaksa korbankan impian nak beli handbag and fon baru dulu nak kasi ruang pada kegemukan ini..gagaga..

2. Bring water to work. Like loads of water. And try to figure out some healthy less calorie snack that I can munch during working. And try to say NO THANKS to all those goreng pisang apam balik kek pisang ABC Kampung Melayu Maruku Nasi lemak that they offer at work -___-

3. Try my best to cook for dinner. I cooked for dinner since the past 3 days. It's pretty simple but at least I know the ingredient I put in. The oil the salt etc..

4. Maintain my mood. Try not to surrender to stress too much. Try to think of happy things. Rethink of my motivations :)

What I can conclude from my unfinished journey so far losing weight is a battle of emotions, physical and mental strength. You have to be discipline. You have to be realistic. You cannot be under great stress. And not every diet plan works on everyone so you have to keep on finding one that suits you.


Ya Allah, bantulah hambamu ini..

Missing

Sometimes you get so attached to certain something that your life becomes so empty without 'em.


Sometimes it happens so naturally you didn't even realize you are attached until you feel part of you is missing.


Sometimes you wish you have a control over how you feel so any unwanted ones can be deleted before it jeopardizes yourself.


Sometimes, sometimes.
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Amazing :)

Picture not quite related. LOL

It's amazing how a simple gesture could lighten up your day and lift your mood.

Thank you, you. You are indeed amazing. If and only if it's not that complicated. But all these memories I'm going to keep it in my heart forever and ever. :)

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Awesome weekend

Belanja family 1st gaji - checked!

Pergi Jom Fit dengan Kevin Zahri - checked!

Watched semifinal at Bukit Jalil - checked!

Thank you, thank you. Ye know who ye are.
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Working life..

Greetings everyone. I'm on the bus heading back to JB. Yes, on the bus. Figured out I would be travelling home by bus if I don't have anything planned for the weekend.


So how's working life? It's pretty hectic, pretty tiring, quite a shock to my body. Thank God I work only from 8 to 5. But it is long enough to make me fall asleep without shower or sometimes dinner. I need to get my body adapted to this kind of life ASAP so I can start a healthier regime. I ate loads of junks these days and it is really really not good for my diet plan..


I have to say it's pretty interesting to start working in the real world. There are loads of things to get familiar with. Working with very limited resources. Getting used to the material that I never used back in Ireland. Getting used to the system. I deal with loads of Chinese in my clinic so I have to learn a few Chinese terms to communicate..gagaga..


I guess this first few weeks there'll be loads of making silly mistakes and adjusting. Hopefully things fall into its places soon. Cheers to a new life and may whatever waiting for me ahead is for my best interest..
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First punch out

My first punch card. Reported duty to Jabatan Kesihatan Daerah Johor Bahru. Yes, J fucking B. Excuse my french, but I'm still very much angry I'm sent here.


5 years spent away from home and yet still I have to go somewhere else.


So much anger in myself I just need to let it out. Haven't been eating right for the past few days. Haven't been working out. Everything seems so out of place at the moment.


Here's hoping and praying things get better day by day.
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Goodbye freedom!

Received this, this morning. I'm still in shock. Tak mencapai berat target lagi dah kena panggil keje woihhh...mampuihhhhh...


Ya Allah, biar dimana sahaja posting saya, moga itu yang terbaik.

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So it begins..The first 2 weeks of my battle against my own weight :p

First and foremost I'd have to say...I have stop consuming this product for few reasons that I will state latter in this post. But I still have to give credits to it because it got me started more seriously on the weight loss journey..


One day a friend of mine, W came to me, would you like to try Product X? There will also be a contest something like The Biggest Loser, where you will get cash prize for losing the biggest weight percentage.


I thought to myself...why not? I want to lose weight..I am still jobless, some extra cash would be nice. Plus, our other friend, Z won the similar competition a few months ago. So we decided to give it a go.
We were late by 1 week, so the contest was only 3 weeks to us instead of 1 month.


Came to Product X place at KL but we went to the talk first before we started to weigh in. At the talk, it was a really major turn off for me. Very MLM-ish in which I reaaaaaallllllyyyyyyyyy hate. Obsessed groupies getting "autograph" from speakers. I had a lot of what-the-feck moments in there and I was holding back my anger, felt like I was trapped, but it was just plain misunderstanding, I actually did not have to come to the talk. So cut the story short, I've thought to myself, I won't be consuming this Product X for long!


At the first weigh in my weight was at whooping xx kg. I think the heaviest I ever achieved. Paid RM6xx for Product X which is quite expensive and would be hard to maintain in the long run. Since Product X can also be used to gain weight when eaten with regular meals, I tried to stick to the recommended plan, replace my breakfast and dinner with Product X and only take lunch.


The first few days was the hardest, but I was quite determined so I kept holding on. It was hardest at night, when your stomach grumbles.. crying due to hunger. Product X claims to make you feel full but I guess it just didn't work on me. As time goes by, my throat actually started to reject Product X. I hated the taste that I had to hold myself from throwing up everytime I sip in the drink...


I also started to exercise. Since my knee was still weak, I traveled to and fro Taman Melati to my brother's apartment to use the gym. They had the elliptical trainer which was much suitable for my condition.

10 days after the first weigh in I went for the second weigh in and I have dropped 5 kg. In 10 days! Pretty impressive ey?

But actually I have started to read more about the science behind weight loss and started to dig deeper. I am pretty confident I can actually start on a healthier regime, less torturing (torture = kelaparan :P) and can be sustained for long term.


2 weeks after consuming Product X, I finally gave up and started on a new diet plan.


What? Why? How?

Segalanya bermula disini...the journey..

I am actually quite reluctant to come out with this post because I'm afraid I might jinx it. And then I promised myself, when I hit the first 10, I will write, just to serve as a reminder for myself in case I got sidetracked in the future. Alhamdulillah I have lost the first 10kg, but this is still far less than ideal, I need to work harder, I need to lose a lot more!


So what got me started to this weight loss journey? Lots of things. Kena perli, kena ejek, baju tak muat, and above all, I need to do it because I need to do it.


The picture below was me on my first year in Ireland. Still big, but not as much as I was when I finished my fifth year in Ireland...

And this is how I got bigger and bigger, membesar bagaikan juara from my second to fourth year...

And this is me on my final year, my graduation day, my last holiday in Nice.

This is me after I got back for good, pre puasa and a little bit after raya. Damn so round and bulat!

So yeah, it is quite alarming and I need to do something before I explode...


I used to be so determine to lose my weight after SPM and I did it. But the effort went into the drain and I lost it while I was studying..So I know, I have it in me, I can actually try it again..


So what did I do?

A journey to self discovery

I made my blog private for the past few weeks. Reason being I was so embarrassed when I read my old posts. Macam remaja psycho kalau ada time travelling machine saya balik saya jentik diri sendiri time tu. Hihihi.

So what's up?

1. I'm still jobless. Still waiting to be called by KKM. Stwess la jugak dah 4 bulan jugak saya menganggur. Entah reti entah tak cabut gigi lagi. Saya rindu sebenarnya nak jumpa patient nak buat kerja. Tp entahlah..kita sabaq je la na?

2. I spent most of my time travelling to and fro Shah Alam and Melati. Menebus masa yang hilang dengan Nayli. She's cheeky. She's very clever. Dah pandai nyanyi macam2 lagu. Suka ikut kalau saya solat. Ada hari cranky, biasalah budak2 kan. Oh tapi saya sayang ini budak lagi2 kalau dia panggil saya dgn suara lembut "Maknaaaah~" (maknah = makngah) boleh cair hati luruh jantung.

3. I'm starting my battle to losing weight again. Zzzzz. Again and again and againnn. I gained loads and loads of kgs since the past few years. Stress study, patah hati (eh?) Lepastu bila tengok gambar. Omg bulatnya rasa nak sepak. Jadi saya kumpul balik kekuatan yang pernah ada dulu, dan mula kembali. Tak semudah lepas spm dulu sebab lutut yg uzur ni manja sikit so tak boleh la nak buat benda intense. Nanti details saya cerita next post :) To date dah hilang dalam 9kg tapi jangan tertipu, 9kg out of badan yg mcm assyaitonirrojim ni mungkin macam takde pape je. Perjalanan saya jauh lagi..nak tunggu sampai org sekali tengok pun dah perasan..ehh awak dah kurus sikit lew. Zzzz. Berangan tu free kan? Sekarang ni kalau cakap kat orang pun belum tentu percaya..

4. Saya belum kahwin or tunang lagi. Eh? Apa kaitan. Ye la zaman orang kata umur tengah peak orang kawen ni kan. Memang ketinggalan habis. Kalau mai psycho peer pressure tu memang la macam risau jugak..tapi kalau fikir payahnya nak dapat the right guy that can accept me and vice versa..yg boleh diharap, yg solat cukup 5 waktu. Sigh..saya simpan je la kerisauan tu dan doa moga Allah temukan juga akhirnya.

So that's about it I guess. Semoga saya rajin nak post lagi..taaaaaa..
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Thank you

Ya Allah, thank you for showing me what I need to see.
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A long overdue wish

Selamat hari raya aidilfitri :)


My life is on a plateau phase right now. Nothing exciting happening at the moment hence the lack of blogging. Still waiting to be called for induction. Still waiting for my stuff to arrive.


Still waiting for something more lively to happen. Until then, I guess this blog will go on mundane phase. :O

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SPA

SPA done. Pakai surat tawaran ni nak beli kereta boleh?


Sekarang menanti untuk induction. Dun dun dun..nevesnya saya~

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Almost.

We are approaching the end of Ramadhan. A bit diappointed with myself this time around..


Can't wait to start working. Believe me or not. Rasa macam dah lama sangat dah rest ni nanti otak karat..
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Bitch

Day 3 of wearing braces..I've been quite a bitch yesterday. Kept on complaining how It hurts to bite, talk or smile wide.


I had to go for liquid-ish diet. 1st day I had bubur lambuk. Tried to bite other food but it hurts so bad. Yesterday I went out with friends but had to settle with clam chowder soup and KFC's mashed potato for break-fast. Ye thought I can finally shed some weight faster with this kind of eating habit? Nope, not at all. I stopped by at McDonald's on the way home later and bought me porridge and fillet o'fish and ate them at 11pm. Haishk. Apelah nak jadi..


Beauty is pain. Bertahanlah. Kahkah


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Graduation and birthday gift

Everytime I achieve something, I would reward myself with something. Passing exams, rough week, submissions etc. So..since I just graduated recently, and it is kind of a big occasion I tried to find something more special for myself.

At first I wanted a tablet because that's normally what I do. I go for gadgets. Went on to do my research high and low on which one is the best and almost settled for a Samsung galaxy tab.


But then I realised something. My mission. Part of the mission is to improve my image. And there is one thing that I really don't like - my "gappy" teeth. After giving a deep thought, I reallocated the budget to getting my teeth fixed. Yes, I am now wearing braces. At the age of 25. A lil bit late but better late than never, yes?


I now understand how it feels like to be the patient. Other than getting one of my fractured teeth fixed and normal uneventful scaling, I have never been on the dental chair. But today, I totally understand why the kids didn't like the fissure sealant and how the ortho patients suffered everytime I tighten the brackets.

The following image is a bit disturbing so please, skip the image if you are not used to seeing malaligned and spaced teeth.






























You've been warned. There's still time to exit.


































Ok fine. here you go...

Taraaaaaaaaa...

Opted blue coloured elastic to match my baju raya. Lols. 

Random

"I keep telling myself that these feelings will pass, but every time I hear your voice or see your face, I fall even harder for you."
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Sleepless night

Tak boleh tido walaupun semalam tak tido.


Hmmmm..


Apa yg bakal terhidang dihadapan? Kan best kalau kita tahu apa yg bakal menanti atau bakal terjadi kpd kita..
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Quarter century

I turn 25 today.


Huks.


Had my early bday celebration 2 nights ago. Got a birthday cake, a card and a baju raya that I adored very much. Thanks a mil dear friends!

Here's to a better year. Bismillah.

Test

Test
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Advanced bday celebration

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Advanced bday celebration

Had my advanced bday celebration this year.

Simple bazar ramadhan potluck at my house. 1 surprise cake. 1 card. And the presence of those familiar faces.

Anddd a baju kurung that I really really adore "takpe kitorang bayarkan dulu since kau takde cash" turns out to be my surprise gift.

Oh em gee. I loike it so much I can't take my eyes off the baju. Teeeheeeee..

1 day before turning quarter century. Pengsannnnn..

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Munchkin

Been spending the day with this lil munckin. I think I've been away most of her life (padahal umur baru setahun lebih. Lol). Kire balas dendam la ni...

Maknah luff you so much nay nay!
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Tak biasa leww

Still can't quite digest this new title. When people in SPA addressed me with the new title I choked a bit.

Dokter kewwww.

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Cheers to a new life

It has been a week since I touched down home. Since then I've been struggling to adapt. I'm overwhelmed by my surroundings. I became really restless. I broke down at a few silly moments, like in a bank full of many foreign people and while driving back home alone at night. I didn't want to fix my jetlag-ed sleeping time because I think I've been living in a denial.


Why? Has it not been what I always wanted? Home. Being close to family. Being in a very familiar place.


Because I'm kind of afraid. This thing going on is like my real real life. But it is very very unclear, very foggy, very uncertain. Where am I going to work? What will I be doing? What is going to happen after this? Will I settle down? Will I further into doing max-fac surgery like what I wanted?


Tonight I had a very long debate myself. So I came out with a few short term resolutions. I'm going to take things slowly, one at a time and to go with the flow. List down my wishes and my targets. They might or might not be achieved but at least I have something that I can work on.


Here's to a new life. Bismillah.

Strange enough...

..I miss Cork's serenity. This place I call home seemed so alien to me.

Give it a time. Give it a break.


Kembali berpijak dibumi nyata. 

Goodbye Cork

Sleeping on my bed for the last time ever.


Thanks for having me for the past 5 years.
I'm really going to miss you.


Goodnight Cork.
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Euro Trip - The End

Brussels - Antwerp - Brugge - Geneva - Zurich - Paris - [Gold Coast-Sydney-Melbourne] - Andalusia - Barcelona - Madrid - Osnabruck - Berlin - Koln -Hannover - Nottingham - London - Bath - Birmingham - Cardiff - Swansea - Bristol - Belfast - Stockholm - Salzburg - Vienna - Prague - Amsterdam - Milan - Nice - Cannes - Monaco


Cork - Dublin - Limerick - Galway - Kerry - Tralee - West Cork - Tipperary


Sadaqallahulazim. Moga ade rezeki lain untuk berjalan kesini lagi :)

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Bonjour!

I'm at Nice, France for my last Euro trip before I go back for good. Stayed Promenade des Anglais by the sea. The view is unreal!!


The sun is shining so bright. Panas sampai sunburn sikit lagi macam buntut kuali. Penat jalan sana sini and harini mandi laut Mediterranean.


Bliss :)

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Jetsetter

I did Cork - LHR - Stansted - Cork today.

Alhamdulillah everything went alright.

Penat tu xyah cakap leww.

Everyone's gone now. Tibe2 sedih.
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Penat hoih

Lagi sepuluh tahun kemas bilik ni belum tentu siap.


Tadi gi dent school jumpa sapa2 yg sempat jumpa. Cakap bye2 kat the secretaries and supervisors. Nasib tak ternanges. Tu pun Dr B and Prof A takdok. Kalau tak maybe nanges.


Next Sunday nak gi last Euro trip. I'm going to Nice, France.

So many things to do..so little time. Gaaaaaahhhhhhhh.


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Nostalgic

I have less than 2 weeks before I leave this place where I've been calling home since the past 5 years. I must admit, I'm starting to feeling a lil bit nostalgic and sad.


Around 5 years ago when I first knew I'm going to Cork, I was kinda disappointed. I've always wanted to go to Trinity College in Dublin coz it sounded more..posh? However, I am so relieved for what have been arranged for me. Cork, albeit being a very less-city place suits me the best. I don't need to share rooms. It's peaceful. Everywhere can be reached easily. I can save enough money to travel around. The people are so so nice and friendly.


Cork Dental School is also one of the best thing ever happened to me. From the supervisors/tutors/lecturers to the secretaries, nurses, my groupmates, my classmates and my patients - they have been so nice to me. The atmosphere in the hospital is very "calming" I've even started to miss the school before I leave Ireland.


I'm gonna miss seeing old people walking around with smiles on their faces. I'm gonna miss having a nice tutor who constantly reminded me to chill out and relax everytime I came into his room bringing problems. I'm gonna miss the small chit chat I have with my patients that sometime turns to be a sharing-feeling session. I'm gonna miss the bitching session over the lunch with my friends about things that we don't like. I'm gonna miss spending my afternoons at home watching rugby matches and cheering for Ireland and Munster (sometimes Leinster), shouting and yelling. I'm gonna miss planning for travels and holidays. I'm gonna miss my cul de sac crew, where we spent countless nights eating our own cooked meal, sang our heart out at the mini karaoke place we set up, watch movies, play board games.


I'm gonna miss Ireland that's one thing for sure.

Graduated :)

Alhamdulillah, I've officially graduated from UC of C today.


Despite the harsh and wet weather and despite being very sleep deprived, it was still one of the happiest day in my life.


Thank you Allah for this.

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Life post-exam

Life post-exam has been....busy. I actually slept lesser than I did during exam time. Yes, my exam weeks were so draggy that I had all the time in the world to finish all those vlogs movies and whatnot.


Started off with packing things that I'm bringing back home. Had 1 box all packed and ready to go. In the midst of second one, sparing some space to shop. I think I *might* need a third one. See first how crazy I am with buying things etc. Throwing off things that I definitely won't use back home. Had 2 bags of I-won't-wear clothes that I donated to the charity box. Packing is really really tiring but I know I cannot procrastinate! Seeing how my 2 housemates doing things last minute....I strictly reminded myself must not wait! Am quite happy with the progress I'm now down with a few things that its fate can only be decided after I'm done with traveling.


I also sell a few things, books, instruments. Rasa macam sayang but I think I need to let it go because I kinda need money now.


Yesterday and today I tried to settle the official things. Getting academic transcripts, sent results to JPA, trying to clear the lockers in hospital. Done with all those. Now I need to concentrate on the traveling. Mak is coming next weeeeeeek!! Weeeee I can't wait. Flying off to London next Thursday. And ABANG NAYLI AND KAKDIAH are coming too!!!!! Kinda like a last minute thing they just bought tickets a few days ago. Only for a short time tho coz they will be traveling somewhere else tapi bersyukur lah diorang datang. Plus, 2 of my bestest friends are coming too. Can't ask for more. I think I'm the happiest girl in the world as of now.


Life post-exam, although a lot tiring, but it is definitely less worrying. Kinda feel like after SPM where I don't have things to be worried of eventhough this is just another start to a longer journey. But I'm just living and enjoying the moment :-)


Ya Allah, thank you for all of this.

5 years Dental School - DONE!

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim,


Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.


The day I've been waiting for since the past 5 years has finally arrived.


I have passed the final year!


...and I'm leaving this Land of Leprechauns in about 36 days :')

Summer exams officially over

It's over.

The long torturous 7/8 weeks are over. The day has finally came.

The last bit of exam went OK-ish. I had a seen case exam where I brought in the patient that I've been treating and I have to present what changes I did and everything. It could have been done better but I'm happy at least it didn't messed up badly. My patient is really really nice and supportive. I think the fact that he himself has a child doing medic, he understands how stressful I am. Yup, he's the same patient who gave me the voucher. He even wanted me to text him my result this Friday when it comes out. Kinda like a father figure and I'm so thankful I have encountered such a great person in my life.


Speaking about the results....yes it's coming out this Friday. And yes, it IS that fast. Praying hard that the lecturers tutors who are in the exam board, may Allah opens their heart to let me pass this year.


Exam's over but I'm still gonna have sleepless nights until this Friday. Trying to distract myself by cleaning up the kitchen and my room. It was all done kinda half way-ish. I have about 40 hours more to survive (+/- sleeping time) til the D day.


Tik tok, tiki tiki tok.....

Because I have the awesome-est patient in the world!!!

Got this from my patient this afternoon. Remembered telling him about how nice Fishy Fishy restaurant was..and he got me this voucher! Very the thoughtful!!


Alhamdulillah for the rezeki :D
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Keep holding on

Been home alone for 2 nights already. Sigh.


I have 2 more clinical exams to go! It's really hard to bring myself to actually read something. Been watching around 4 movies since yesterday? Fuuuu I hope I won't be screwed up!


Lompat lompat bertahan. Push push just keep swimming...
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My oh my!

I thought these remaining days are gonna fly! But nopeeee..it's creeping so slow I've finished watching around 100++ vlogs and 26 episodes of So Little Time. The series aren't even interesting!


Haven't done much studies these days. Really really losing it already. I cooked. I cleaned. I did everything but when it came to study, I just couldn't focus anymore...


Plus today, my partner in crime of 5 years flew back home. I can't lie. I'm kind of in the depression mode right now and her leaving sure did not help. My eyes start to tear to random things and I am losing will to do stuff.


Ya Allah, please help me through this...

Post orals rant

Kind of debating with myself whether or not to make my usual post exam rant. But heck it, this might be useful some day innit?


First thing in the morning we had session with patient. I was really nervous but the moment I entered the room and saw a very pleasant smile from the patient, it kinda calmed me down. Tried to hide my nervousness and went on and do the history and examination. The patient even made a remark "you look very calm" so I had to admit to her that I my heart feels like exploding already actually.


History and examination went on fine. I think I got the necessary things. And then the time's up, so the examiners came into the room. I got Prof S and Dr OS as my examiners and Dr B as the observer.


My brain started to be the scumbag as it always is and I got really really nervous. First mistake was addressing Prof S as Prof rather than Professor. That's kinda a no-no for him.


I presented my case to Dr OS. Patient with history of dry mouth. On pilocarpine, Bioxtra and Duraphat. She has a risk of developing primary biliary cirrhosis (or she has it already i'm not sure) so she had to do a liver function test every 6 months. Used to be really severe but now that she is being treated, it got under control. Tongue was heavily fissured as well. I think the presentation went on Ok-ish. Alhamdulillah my words came out OK eventhough there were loads of Ummm's in between my sentences. That's just like a habit I guess? She asked me a few questions like side effects of pilocarpine, cause of her xerostomia, Sjogren syndrome, some autoimmune diseases.


And then came the questions session with Prof S. I was asked about other causes of Xerostomia. The tests that I would do  - salivary flow rate test, biopsy of gland and what will I be expected to see histologically, full blood count for autoantibody screen Rheumatoid factor, anti SSA SSB, sialogram and how to conduct a sialogram which made me stutter because I don't quite know the exact procedure and etc. Other question why she need to be reviewed. Talked about possibility of infection and lymphomatous change. How to differentiate between parotid swelling caused by lymphoma and infection. How to do biopsy on parotid gland. How to treat infection anddd the time was up before he could drill me more. So that's about it.


The afternoon session we had another oral session without a patient. I was really really really nervous because I'll be having an external examiner as one of my examiner. The thought of having a person that I'm so unfamiliar with really made my mind wrecked and some of my classmates had quite a hard time with him. I used to "attach" with all other examiners so being around them felt much better. I was restless. So nervous.


Stepped into the room. Was shown a picture of generalised gingival swelling, had to come out with differential diagnosis. I came out with leukemic infiltration and Dr McC went on about leukemia - what is it, how to diagnose, how to manage. Then she gave me Equitamp - an absorbable cellulose used for post extraction haermorrhage, and we went on about bleeding problem, liver disease, splenomegaly, platelet diorder anddd coagulation cascade..which thank God I revised last weekend in our study group.  7 minutes up and it was the external's turn to question me.

"What do you know about the term Sialolithiasis"

Effed. I know this term. It's just that the brain was so overwhelmed with nervousness that I couldn't think well so I went on and answered...

"Urmm...I know Sialo had to do something with salivary gland..but I'm not quite sure about lithiasis..."

So he helped me out and came with the layman's term - salivary gland calculus. Talked about the gland involved which I messed up between sublingual and submandibular...ended up him giving me a 60 seconds anatomy lesson. Talked about type of secretion, how to diagnose, how to treat. How to do biopsy...againnnnnnnn sialogram which I messed up in the morning session, was asked! Stuttered a lot with him. He wanted me to come out with infection and antibiotic treatment but I was so dumb it took me a while and the time was up before he could ask me about the treatment. With him, I can feel that my face was reddening, felt so warm and I kinda feel like vomiting.Time flew and it finally ended.


Stepped out of the room, I must look really wrecked but convinced my classmates who were waiting outside that they'll be fine. I don't want to make them terrified but I knew my facial expression can't lie. I looked like I was just being tortured. Later that day I even got text from my classmate checking me out to see if I'm okay because I looked really bad after the oral.


I tried to remain calm and not to dwell too much on the orals. Tawakkal je yang mampu sekarang. Met Dr B, the observer of my morning session and he said I did really really well. That must be just him being nice to everyone but if I really did, I hope that could help me to pass this exam.


The orals were deliberated yesterday. None of us were in the borderlines pass/fail so this just means that if there's anyone that failed, they are nowhere near 48 or 49% No mercy on us only the borderlines got called.


Ya Allah please ease my way towards graduating.

4 more orals to go!

Of Woaahhhh's and Waaaaaaa's

Woaaahhhhh..Haven't been posting from blogger for a while. Selama ni hantar through BB sajorks. The interface has changed a lot! It claimed to be easier to use but I think it's kind of confusing?


Anywayyyyyyy I'm done with the written paper. Paeds/Ortho/Public Health paper was rather....unexpected. I hope the examiners are lenient enough to give me good marks :S


The bigger, major, scarier parts are here now. THE ORALS. Where you'll be judge in 15 minutes. It does not only tests your ability to think fast, but also your ability to remain calm, be organized and work well under pressure...which I think is kinda hard. You might know the stuff, but you might be so nervous that you can't translate the info from your brain to words. You might not know the stuff, but if you are clever enough you can spin things that made the examiners believe you are fit enough to graduate.


3 more weeks to go. I think it's going to fly through!


Ya Allah, semoga Nadzirah tenang-tenang sahaja menjawab soalan. Lembutkan hati examiner2 supaya bagi Nadzirah markah tinggi-tinggi. Amiin..

Cuak muak

Cuaks ni cuaks. One more written paper tomorrow. And then I'll have orals for the next 3 weeks. Actually...orals are more scary. But right not..I need to focus. Step by step, one by one..


Makin hari makin rasa jiwa ditarik keluar perlahan2 oleh exam. Gagaga. But everytime I skype home with mak or nayli I got the "kick" again. I need to graduate. Pronto. Don't want to miss anything no more back home.


Bismillah, permudahkanlah ya Allah.

"Ya Allah, permudahkanlah perjalanan Nadzirah dalam final year ni dan berikanlah kejayaan untuk Nadzirah graduate pada bulan Jun 2012 ni"

Meh tlg doakan ramai2 meh..
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Nostalgic

Yesterday I was feeling rather nostalgic so spent my night reading back my posts back in 1st and 2nd year. Ok tipu sebenarnya otak jam dah malas nak study so I procrastinate. Petang tu dah jam gi masak la apa la..


Dang I was much happier back then. Tone blog pun best je takde depressing ala ala diary org psycho cam skereng. And I noticed..I exercised a lot back then! Gigih naik beskal malam2 gi Mardyke. Sigh..nowadays the only "exercise" I get is from going to and from hospital to my home. Terukkkkkk gila!!!!!!!!


I was also very clueless back then. Kawan 5 orang nak datang masak nasik 5 periuk!! Hahahaha amendeeee tah. Lepastu makan pun jaga mesti kena ada sayur sume tp sekarang? Sighhh..tak terjaga..can't quite remember when I eat a proper sayur. Maybe dlm nasik kerabu mania stream..gagaga..


25 days to go. Harap2 my happiness will slowly come back nnt. Right now I can't lie..the only happy time I get is from watching youtube/tv series. Itu pun temporary je. Lain suma..aiyoh..susah betul nak rasa happy sekarang.


I promise if I get through this safe and sound I'll pay more attention and start living healthily. And promise I will be happier :)


Tp smalam mimpi yg buat saya happy. I don't know who you are...but I do hope you exist and we do meet ;)
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Chronic Indecisivitis

One thing about me is - I'm a freakin indecisive person ever. Like. Ever ever. I hate making decisions. I wish we can make decisions in our life just by rolling the dice and just effin deal with the consequences of the choice later.


So today we had to like..send 5 patients of which 1 will be presented in our oral exams. We also have to rank the patient, which one we are confident to present the best. So basically choice no 3,4,5 are just random pt we throw in just to..you know..fill the gap. I was having hard time which one is patient 1 which is patient 2. One of them is kinda play safe, nothing too biggie, just normal range of treatment. The other is a more extensive treatment and I would love to present what I did because I think I have done kind of a major change to him. But the problem is his case is quite unfinished and I'm not sure what the finish product will look like. I still have time before exam to finish up stuff with him tp..tulah..haishk..


Went to Dr B this morning to send in the patients' charts. Still undecided. He told me to just rank them, and continue studying and stop thinking about them. "It will hurt your brain if you don't stop thinking", he said.


Now I'm sitting down, ranting about this and feel like changing the rank again. Oh no.


I'm sure he won't let me touch the charts ever again.
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Ngomelan hari ini

Sebenarnya..exam banyak gap ni susah jugak. There's a limit to how far and how long you can push yourself towards the end. Jadinye kalau dah exam lama sangat ni motivasi mula pudar. Semangat kian hilang. Gittew. Nowadays I find it kind of hard to focus on the revision. Mcm cepat penat. Especially kalau jumpe patient, balik tu mcm penaaat sangat susah nak concentrate.

Tp kena bersabar and kena bersyukur ada gap mcm ni at least byk peluang nak study. Walaupun penat sikit tp kenaaa jugak bertahan.

Sebulan dari tarikh ni result keluar. Tak sabar nak habis zaman exam ni so boleh melalui kehidupan dgn tenang. Bleh bangun lambat. Bleh rehat2.

Ya Allah permudahkanlah semuanya..
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Log-o book-o

Another submission done :)

Felt a bit relieved and in the same time slightly nostalgic looking at it. I mean, it's a report, a journal of those that I've been treating this whole 2 years.

Step by step, the end is getting nearer day by day..

Post exam rant

Take a minute to have my post exam rants.

EXAM?

So they were hearsays on spot questions - pt on warfarin and bisphosponate related osteoradionecrosis. I thought to myself, oh well, at least I've 2 questions that I prepared. Yes, they both came out..in one same question! 1st question was 76y/o pt on warfarin for prosthetic valve, taking oral medication for osteoporosis and needs extraction - management! Pitams uolsss macam2 risk nenek ni ade.

Qestion 2 was ddx and investigations for localised and generalised gingival swellings. I can list alright, but to come out with the details?? @_____@

Question 3 was ddx and mngmt of mouth ulcer. Question 4 short notes on vertical parallax, radiological assessment of fractured mandible and dry socket.

Question 5 pharmacological intervention for trigeminal neuralgia, oral dysguesia and atypical facial pain. Pitamsss uolsss nak kena cite pasal pharmacological ni lemah sketttt.

So that was exam rant. Continued with treating patient after the exam. Encountered some difficulties, thought I could finish in an hour. Finished at 5.

Went back home to found out my laptop charger went kaput. Again. I have logbook that is due this monday. Panicked and thanks to Nadira's kind soul for lending me the charger tonite. Now I'm struggling to settle the logbook.

I've been up since 5.30 this morning. Mengantuk and penat tak ingat. Sigh.
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Pagi yg gelap, kini sudah terang

Had a very very very very hectic morning. It's only 11am now yet I'm exhausted like heck. Went to and fro to the clinic settling patients stuff. Wrong impression sent. Wrong dates put down. Itu salah ini salah. Telefon lab sana sini.

Tp towards the end, things start to fall back to places one by one. Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah. It slowed me down slightly but I'm still thankful I'll eventually finish off what I've started. Tak tau nak hantuk kepala sendiri ke sbb much of this mishaps are of my own foolness. Or probably I should be thankful there are spaces and chances to correct my mistake. And I have patients that are so patience with me.

Orang lain nak exam sibuk baca buku study gua kena setel problem patient. Takpe. That's life baby! Let's finish this off nicely ok?
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Goodluck gift

A goodluck and thank you gift from my patient.

:D

Ketidaksihatan

3 hari lagi nak exam. Smalam tetibe tak sihat uols. Sekejap panas sekejap sejuk. Sejam sekali bangun tido cari posisi yg selesa.

Lepastu bangun pagi2 ni diarrhoea puleekk. Badan dah cam lelemah sikit. Nak pergi spital harini ada oral surgery tp tak larat. So sad. Manela tau ade hint2 ke tips2 nak exam ke.

Pastu harini pokcik buat rumah tu bising gileeeeeeee. Haishk

Byk btul cobaaaaaan. Jumaat nak exam dah :S
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The day when you have awesome friend to get Fahrin Ahmad to wish you good luck.

Thanks to my awesomest friend, Afiqah for the video.

Wa ada fahrin ahmad wish good luck, kau hado? 

Gagagagagaga seminggu lagi nak exam hoi

Serabut otak

Haaaaaaaaai saya tengah serabut gile.

1. Rumah tgh renovate. Rumah bising, fine saya keluar gi study kat spital. Pastu skang nak kena tutup2 katil segala sbb diorg nak tukar tingkap. Tak pepasal je tambah keje.

2. JPA stopkan elaun sara hidup bulan May. Ktorang abis exam hujunggg bulan May iaitu 23 May. Jun x dapat duit abistu sewa rumah nak bayar caaaneeee? Bil2 semua nak abis and stopkan sure kena bayar banyak. Aaaaaa serabut! Camni balik Malaysia kena terus keje la x de duit weh. Ingatkan nak relax jap barang sebulan dua.

3. Of course la cuak exam. Next week je weiii. Dah neglect habis paper satu lagi tu sbb nak concentrate paper minggu depan. Tatau btul ke tak strategi ni sebabnye nak prepare exam 4 may tu xde cuti cam skarang. Sekarang tgh cuti seminggu boleh la study full time pulun. Yg lagi satu tu kena selit2 in between clinics and whatnots. Haishhhhhh.

4. Bile stress makan makan makan. Makan makan makan badan gemok. Gemok nak mati. Harap2 x mati before exam.

Sekian dari saya yg serabut.
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Peek-tures!

I've been studying in the hospital reading room this past 3 days. I don't know how much longer I can do this but let's just keep going while I can. Can't seem to study at home..too many distractions and I can feel a slightly negative aura in my room. Plus, of course the noise from construction work is the main reason I got off my arse to leave home in the beginning.

Took these pictures along the way or whenever I'm out for my break or when I'm distracted..

Ya Allah, please ease my way to graduating dental school this summer...

The day Fahrin Ahmad replied to my twitter :P

Bangun pagi2..mata kebil2..

Unprivate my account for a moment because I have a feeling fahrin will be reading that particular tweet..

And Bammm there goes the reply.

Excited sorang2 atas katil, jerit2 sikit. Terus mandi and bersiap gi study kat hospital.

Gagaga..

Now a dream would really come true kalau saya dpt tangkap gambar dgn dia plak.

Kthxbai kena sambung bace buku..

Good luck card :D

Simply made my day :') Ingatan tulus ikhlas from Nabila, my bestfwen in Bristol.

Doa dan harapan

More often than not, our prayers are centred around us, what we want, what we hoped for, what we desire. Tapi it's time for me to be unselfish and widespread the doa to everyone else.

May Allah grant strength to everyone around me. May Allah lead us to the path to Jannah. May Allah soften and open the hearts of everyone around me.

From today, my doa priorities shouldn't always be on the exams. It's for something bigger and meant so much for me. For the people I love dearly.
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Bingit

"Malasnya nak pergi oral surgery harini. Dahlah tak selesa perut ni. Lepak rumah je lah"

Ngeeeeeeeeengggggggggggggg ngeng ngeng ngenggggggggggggggggggg

-___-" lupe plak rumah tgh renovate.

Haishk.

Cpatlah habis renovation ni. Tiap2 hari terpaksa keluar rumah. In a way baguslah sebab terpaksa study kt hospital tp kadang2 nak la rest kat rumah jugak..
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2 months

2 months from this date, our result is supposed to come out.

2 months.

Pergh.

Time flies!

Rabbi yassir wa la tuassir.
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Dadah

Ini dadah saya. Dia perlu ada kala saya duka kala saya stress nak exam..

Dulu zaman kanak2 mak selalu tinggal kita dekat kfc atau a&w jalan tar kalau dia nak gi shopping. Jadinya dari kecik dah terbiasa dgn a&w. Pastu rasa mcm ada sikit2 bahagian dlm otak flashback singgah a&w kalau pergi golf range dkat PJ tu. Tah betul tah tak memori tu ye ye je..

Tp serius, ini comfort drink saya. Kalau minum jd tenang sikit. Sbb tu saye suke kedekut a&w. Hikhikhik.

Proving yourself

Yesterday I had my orthodontics mock exam. I know it's just a mock. But it carried a bigger meaning to me - having the advantage to prove myself in front of prof.

All this while in tutorial I was all nervous and tensed up so I was overshadowed by my groupmates. However, yesterday, we had one-to-one session so I managed to show him I can do better. Not the best session ever, but way much better than in tutorials and finally got a "very good" from him. it wasn't all perfect yesterday, I stuttered on few questions, got one part of the diagnosis wrong, but it was still very satisfying.

A few more miles to go. Let's do this right.

How your body reacts to stress?

Selalu kalau datang psycho nak exam, apart from crazy mood swings, I get some some physical presentations as well. This would include -

1) Eczema on my fingers. Sometimes they become so dry they bleed. Zzzz

2) Pericoronitis on my partially erupted lower left 8. One day I'm going to get this tooth pulled out!

3) Headache, sometimes unilateral, sometimes my forehead feels really tight.

Fifuh kthxbai!
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Eau So Fresh!

Went to my first Paddy's day parade yesterday! Unfortunately my spot was very unstrategic so the pictures are mostly interrupted by people's head..

Treated myself to a new parfumeee and I'm addicted to it already. Sprayed it on the bed and kept on sniffing the bottle like one crazy person.

It had been one shitty week with physical and emotional pain kept on coming my way but it ended pretty well. Managed to convinced myself to push through and keep on swimming til the end.

Let's do this! Berusahaaaaa. Bertahaaan. Coz what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger!

Wordless Wednessday - a token of appreciation from my patient

:)

Attracting positivitiessss

20th April - Oral Surgery final paper

*23rd April - logbook submission

4th May - Oral Health and Development final paper (Paediatrics, Orthodontics, Public Health)

9-10th May -  Oral Surgery Clinics and viva

*11th May - Requirement completion

17-18th May - Oral Health and Development Clinics and viva

22-23rd May - Restorative seen and unseen cases

25th May - Exam board (Results)

14th June - Graduation ---- 92 days before graduation!!

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim. In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Another sad day in my life

I don't know if I'm just overreacting over small things, or it's the time of the month or I'm just so fragile right now. But whatever it is, this thing is fucking killing me from inside as I have lost wills to do stuff already. I abandoned my clinical session and tutorial today coz I just can't bring myself up today.

So I've been told that my only brother, my sis in law and my niece are not coming to my graduation. It was 3 in the morning when I read the msg, took me 10 minutes to digest the info before I broke down. Only my mom will come, probably with her friend. Her friend! Not someone related to me. Just someone random.

All this while I've been trying to push myself to go through allll this shits so I can graduate and my whole small family will be with me on what supposed to be the happiest day in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom with all my heart but I would really love to see my bro my sis and my niece to be there as well. So what happens when your motivation lets you down? You become as sad as hell. Sad. Frustrated. Broken hearted.

If I have money I will all my family here. My makcik pakcik who've been with me all my life. My close friends. If and only if I have loads of money..But what the heck, not even my brother will be there.

So sad,papa. If you're still will us, will you come to my graduation day too?

Papa I miss you so much :(
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F my life

I've already reach to the level where I breakdown to every possible points.

Yesterday was a very shitty day and today at 3 in the morning i got like one of the saddest news ever.

F my life.

Satu kesedihan yang susah saya nak explain.
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Bosan hoih!

Momentum nak study xdaaaak. Machiam mana innieyyyyyy.

Bosan hoih bosan.
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Hai

Tibe-tibe macam happy pulak harini ^__^


Hihi...excuse the gedikness. Kasi can la gua perasan sekali sekala~

Life's brief update

Hellooooo..it's been a while innit?

Final year pressure has started to take its full effect. My next exam is about a month time and my revisions are still very shaky. Its worrying but sometimes it is so hard to get started to study after a long day in clinic..

My stress-induced headache is back! I used to have this during the start of 4th year..continuous eye twitching, throbbing headache sometimes unilateral sometimes bilateral..sometimes I even broke down and felt like I can't take it anymore..

At this moment I'm just praying for strength to go through this few months. May my sanity remain intact and hopefully, ya Allah please let me pass this final year in one go.
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The day I materialize my dream

Alam

When human being fails you, turn to the nature for comfort.

Serabut otak sekarang.

Tapi tak sabar nak jumpe kekasih2 hati this weekend.