2018 : Recap

Just came back from meeting old friends from the university. It was a short and sweet escape but I came back with a huge relief and a clearer mind. For once, bila lepak we only talk about kids and spouses a time or two. Not that much. Not like the usual ones I had to listen I mean it's not their fault if aku ada what they have I might be talking about that not stop too. 

What a breathe of fresh air. Something that I really need after feeling suffocated and very left behind. We talked more about not knowing where to go ahead with the career. Talked about it's okay to be where we are now, to take things as it is. No pressure. We are all on the way to be somebody.

To recap 2018 ;

Did I travel a lot? Not quite. Just Krabi. And occasionally few trips here and there in Malaysia. Still recovering from purchasing Suria and the NZ trip last year.

Did I progress far in my career? Nope. Same ol same ol job. Given a new task, but managed to dodge it. Not this year though, I think I still have to carry the task and I need to carry it well. But at least this year I have a few eye-opening moments. A brief idea on what I could do next. Do I see myself in the same place for the next 20 years? 

Did I join enough runs this year? Not quite. I did 2HMs, a few 10kms and a trail run. But I did try caving this year which was fun. 

I bought Suria last year but this year was all about making it a proper place. I did it all by myself. Little by little I add a few things here and there. Been working like a dog this year to complete  the place. 

Made a decision to take up a loan for something. Something that I am against for before, but reconsidered it after doing some research. Hope all goes well with this.

I gained weight this year. Which is something i'm very unhappy about. And I need to do something about it. Soon.

To hope for 2019;

I want to travel. Abroad. Dalam Malaysia pun nak. I spent on Suria and skincare last year this year I need to go easy on both so I could save up for travelling.  

I need to do something with my career. Something about my weight. Something about my legs. Need to get all these back on track. 

Also, next year, start giving less fuck to everything that make you unhappy. Kalau ada certain trigger that makes you annoyed avoid it at all cost or don't dwell too much on what went on. Don't force things. Relax je. Things will happen if it meant to be. 

Here's to better life better health better everything. More about self love and the people that matters. Adios 2018.

Dear Nad,

Sementara masih semangat, let's jolt down this things I need to tell myself as a reminder.

Jangan tulis blog something personal? Persetankan la other people with their judgement. I write down mostly as MY memories. I don't do diaries. They get lost sometimes. I write this down FOR MY OWN memories and if you feel offended or triggered somehow, get yourself out here.


Okay so here goes;

Dear Nad, 

Let's gear up for something in this next few years. Make this your best training ground ever. Learn everything. Do everything. Level up your skill. Improve your communication skill. Build your rapport. Control your level of ease to be annoyed. Master the art of giving less fuck to petty things. 

There are some things that you longed for that Allah might or might not give. Make peace with that. If you happen to be alone forever, make peace with that. If sometimes loneliness creep in, do your best to kick that feelings out. Keep on praying. Never give up in your prayer, but whatever comes out, make peace with that.

Let's lay out plans. Let's achieve something for the greater good. Study. Do your research. Make a list, and study. 

Also please, lose some weight, please. You don't look good in pictures. Too bulat. Let's improve our image. Be the best version of you. 

Berhenti Berharap?

Is this the point where I go that's it, no more?

Honestly I don't.

If it is, semoga Tuhan berikan kekuatan. 

Ada Orang Lagi Ke?

Knock knock. Just wondering if there are any people still reading my blog. I mean..people don't really write things in blog anymore these days of instagram and facebook and twitter and other socmeds don't they? 

Unless, when there are things can't really be expressed through other mediums. Something lengthier. Something that comes from heart. Something that look like a ramble that you need to let it off but would like a smaller audience. Something more...personal. I know there are diaries but who does that anymore?

At least for me, blog is medium where I vent off my frustrations, talk out about my insecurities. My self-esteem is very low. There are things I don't prefer to discuss with other people. So I discussed with myself here. Whatever I put out here is in no mean to show-off. It's just for me to look through my life, what I have achieved and to reassure myself that I'm doing okay. Keep going, keep swimming.

I have been writing for more than 10 years. The frequency has reduced, but I still write every now and then whenever I am not happy or when I need to let go. My writings reflect what i felt DURING THE TIME THE POST WAS MADE and might not be relevant during any other time. Like how I think I was so into somebody before? Now no more, not a single cent. So yeah we all have our phase right?

Whatever it is, I think when you read others blog, you shouldn't take it personally even it is about you. No need to make it a big deal. Especially when no names are thrown. Especially blog with small audience like mine. Maybe take it as a reflection of whatever people think of you no matter whether YOU think it's true or not. 

Adios

Semangat Baru

Last year was one of my peak year where I managed to achieve 2 big targets in a year - travelled to NZ and buying my teratak kecil. I was so motivated the moment we started planning for NZ on March last year.

This year I felt empty. No target. No motivations. No nothing..and I haven't even managed to save up that much pun. Entahlah macam takde drive. 

Until I got an enlightenment earlier this morning - I wanna buy a new car! 

You see..my baby V is 9 years old already. As much as I love it and how good it is, it will need to be replaced. Car is a liability. Tarak untung, manyak rugi. So I don't want to spend too much on a car monthly but I am not keen to buy a second hand either. 

So here's a new plan. In 4 years, I'm going to buy a new car. I will *try* to gather a higher deposit and make sure the loan is paid within 7 years. 

I am also going to travel oversea next year. Where and when still a question mark, but I prolly be following Wany and her parents IF I managed to save up enough money.

Here's to new found spirit. May this one be the drive for me to keep on living..

Of Constraints vs Needs

I am off my low mode, and back to my normal mode. Guess what, I was PMSing at that time. That explains all the exaggerated response to almost everything that happened. Lols. All good now. I went for my birthday retreat. Recharged. Started to exercise again, started to be more careful with what I eat (again..diet attempt number 294th kahkahkah)


At this age, with a job as a healthcare professional, topped up with doing part-times one would expect I have loads in my bank account. Truthfully, I am struggling (my kind of struggling okay) since the past few months.


People thought I am loaded because I do part-times a lot when in fact the job actually needed for my monthly expenses. Last Ramadhan I only had 2 sessions of part-time jobs and God knows how nervous I was. Dengan nak raya nya lagi, nak bayar itu ini lagi. Every month I write down what I have to pay and my salary itself is not enough to accommodate to my needs. This only happened recently after I bought the studio. A large chunk of money had to be put aside to pay the loan, rent, and bills.


At first when I bought the studio, I thought about advertising it as a homestay. But when I put my blood and sweat into decorating it, selecting what I like, I fell in love and got attached to it. I became very very careful to whom I want to pick as guests. It is different from the apartment I bought in KL because that was a subsale and I don't have the heart to put my love into it.


This has become my guilty pleasure and I surely need to be careful with my spendings too. Masalahnya macam tak insof je masih spending tak berhati-hati punn..I have this problem where the more I have to save, the more I spend.


Tapi macam sedihla because pre-studio, I can set aside certain amount of money into my ASB and TH. ASB is sort of untouchable sebab susah nak withdraw but I can see my TH is going low and low as I fork out money in desperate times. Eceyh desperate times la sangat. So, this is my kind of struggling okay. Not able to set aside certain amount of money like I used to, and had to resort to withdrawing from my TH which I'm afraid the fund will depreciate aku target nak gi Haji as soon as I am eligible to go without mahram nii..


Which is another why I'm still stuck with this 10 years old Vios. Low maintenance. Ada sopak sana sini pun tak kuasa nak betulkan dah. Side mirror cover siap dah tercabut sebab ada motor lehenet langgar pastu tak kutip lepastu kena lanyak dengan kereta lain pun biar je togel macamtu. Sometimes I got jealous of people driving this car and that car but memikirkan yang I can't afford so I kept my mouth shut and be grateful that I have a car to drive, jimat minyak and the fact that I don't have to frequently travel far menguatkan fakta I don't need a new car at this moment.


Semoga satu hari nanti dikurniakan rezeki berlipatganda Amiiinn...

Kecik. Tapi sayang..sayanggg sangat

Low Mode

I have been feeling rather down lately. To the point that I wanted to drive so fast against the wall. To the point that I spent my day lying down with no motivation of doing anything.


Trying to pick up myself and not to linger too long in this low mode, I did some sort of muhasabah and discussion with myself on certain things that I need to fix. It won't be easy. I might fail half way but at least I have some ideas on how to reduce the effect should I go into this low mode in the future. Here goes...

1. Stop comparing. Being surrounded by people, I can't help myself from comparing with theirs. How nice would it be to have this and that. How nice would it be to have my days celebrated like this and that. But people have their own problem. They are just good at not showing it obviously. 
2. Lower / Throw away expectations. On my birthday I made a wish list and sadly, I jinxed the list. All the things that I ever wished for went miserably wrong, exacerbating the angry mode I was already in. And it left me with this kind of shitty mode up until today. Made me feel unloved and unworthy all because the expectations that I myself set in my mind. Had I not had any expectations, things would have been much much better.
3. Start picking up my self esteem. At this point of feeling low and all, I'm also not happy with my current weight and body. I have been slacking too much after raya. But I'm an emotional eater. I eat more when I'm sad. Negative vibes feeds me more than emotionally. I take care of myself better when I feel loved and motivated. My motivation to exercise also went down the drain lately. I need to pick myself up, as soon as possible. 

I need to make peace with myself. Things will be okay. Sooner or later. Just gotta swim through this phase...

Calming down the fear

In one of the socmed app today, I came across 2 things that sort of calm down whatever keresahan I had in my mind.

So at almost 31 :

1. Degree done. But still unsure of what my next step would be.
2. Gaji 4 angka, Alhamdulillah I think a lot of people around my circle can comfortably agree to this one too.
3. Car. Not exactly my own, but have been mine since a few years ago.
4. Umrah. Urm, performed one when I was 9, still looking for opportunity to repeat one, hopefully abang terbuka hati nak buat soon else I would need to wait another 10 years before I can go on my own.
5. 2 properties. 1 that I rented out walau penuh ranjau. 1 studio for my escapade.

Jodoh? Semoga pengakhiran yang baik-baik sahaja hendaknya ☻

I guess I'm doing alright so far? Left behind here and there in a few aspects but still alright I supposed. I supposed. They said don't compare yourself to others but in the midst of meeting with others how can I not compare myself. But I keep on telling myself, people struggles different fight. Masalah orang lain-lain. And also I am not comfortable opening up anymore. I tell people what I want to tell.

Just keep swimming. Que sera, sera, Whatever will be, will be. 

Hello old friend

It's been 3 months since my last post.. Really have lost it, eh? This time around, there were not even a single draft saved in between this post and the last time. Usually there would be multiple attempts to publish a post which normally ended up in a draft but this time, I have really abandoned my used-to-be best friend.


What has happened since?

A major event would be change in government on the historical 9th/10th May 2018. I have never been politically woke like how I am today. Everyday I look forward to seeing news on the new govt. It's kind of...refreshing. Glad I stayed up until almost 5am to witness the election results that night, thanks to the free holiday given by the new govt.


Other than that, still the same-old same-old me. Went to Krabi end of March. One of my personal achievement, one of the best holiday I've been :)


We are entering the 14th day of Ramadhan. However, Aidilfitri this year wouldn't be the same as Mak will be away at Mekah/Madinah for umrah. She wanted to experience the last 10 night of Ramadhan at Mekah and who I am to stand in between her dream to be there? I am kind of sad but come to think of it, I should just let her be. May Allah blesses her and protect her from any harm during her journey.


I will try to come back with more posts when the mood kicks in. Till then,
Lots of love.

First post in 2018?

Probably my 1st post in 2018. I have written one but that did not get published. Let's see if this one made it to the publish button.

Where do I start..

Right. 2018. Anything new with me? Not quite. My 2018 went off with rocky start (I yapped a lot about that in the post that did not get published, but I have moved on from it already LOL). I knocked somebody's car, fell off my butt from the stairs at home and was having some cold war as well. But  things are pretty calm so far. Car is back to normal. It happened when I was doing my part time and the damage done was more than what I earned. Pretty sure I wouldn't be back at that place for a while.

Work wise..well, still working at the same place. At times there are things that makes me motivated to leave this place to further my studies but it is not easy to get scholarships these days. I have been given a new responsibility as a facilitator to the new group which kinda make me feel pressured and stressed. I'm new and inexperienced. But they must have ran out of candidates to fill in that position that I have to be given the task.  The problem is we don't even have project to work on. May Allah given us some Hidayah and ideas soon. Right now I'm just going with the flow and praying things don't go too bad.

Besides that I have been voted once again to maintain the chair to run the club at my workplace. Again, maybe everyone does not want to hold this post. So, onto another year of organizing celebrations and farewells. At least I've been doing this for 2 years already so kinda used to it already. Just sometimes the tight budget really is a nuisance when we are trying to give the best options. Takpelah, we'll make do. May Allah ease.

Everything else...is pretty normal. In the midst of letting go of my house in KL. Can't bring myself to maintain anymore. I thought renting out house is easy, turns out is not. The first potential buyer failed to get a loan. Now waiting for the second one. Hopefully her loan will be approved. At least can ease up my monthly commitment.

Anything else? Well I am at hmmm don't wanna jinx anything but at an okay-okay state. Battling with losing weight still tapi the fats seem so stubborn to go. Things have been okay. Entah tak tau macammana nak cakap dah. Okay la okay la kot kan?
 Let's stop here before I have another post goes unpublished alright.