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December 31, 2015

Two thousand fifteen

The same scare revisits each and every new year without fail.

So how do I recap 2015? It's a year of tumbling down and getting up again. I'm glad that I can finally look over it and smile. It's a year that tested my patience the most. And it's a year that reveals the painful truth of faces that are dear to me.

I believe each and every person sent to you life for reasons to make you, you. And being a sentimental person that I am, I treasure beautiful memories from the yesteryears that make it hard for me to just erase people out of my life just like that. However, I do believe that people should do what they want, not because they do it out of sympathy or whatever bullshit they call it so I am more than happy to let go.

I am also thankful for all the people sent to me to lift up my days. Who showed me that I am not who I thought I was. The ones who came in out of nowhere and painted smiles on my face and planted butterflies in my stomach. And who make me believe in myself once again. Motivated me to look after myself better. Lend me helping hands and listening ears when I needed it the the most. Rant with me, together we be bitching about things that make me/us unhappy. You know who you are, please know that you are also my shining stars!

I don't wanna sound cliche and come out with new year resolutions. But I do have hopes that next year will be a year with lesser headache and heartache. I am walking out of 2015 a stronger person, and I would like to keep that momentum. I have always wanted to become a heartless person, and I do believe I am walking to the right directions.


Although, despite the strong person I am trying to be, deep inside me there is a nadzirah who is covered by anxiety and sorrow, full of scares and worries. One day, one sweet day, may the strong ones guide the weaker side to better days.


Keeping the faith. Always.

December 29, 2015

Catching up with Naynay

Bongiourno.

Finally in Venice, Italy. Finally reunited with Abang, Kakdiah, and my favourite little person in the world - Naynay.


Venice is freezing, freezing cold. The day we arrived the temperature hit a high 10 and that was it. The next days the temperature was only around 1-3degrees. 5 years in Ireland and I'm still not used to this kind of cold.


Anyway back to the main aim of the trip...we are sending Mak over mainly to take care of lil miss Naynay instead of her sister, really. Makcik ni energy dia macam makan pil kuda, she can play play play allllll day long. 4 adults tending her and we all got tired at the end of the day but she still can happily chirping around. Tatau la nanti awak ni ada adik cammana nanti ni. So while the attention can still be focused to her without being divided, we give it to her.


With Naynay, I play the role of the fiercer aunty. On certain parts I give in to her, but I never let her go overboard. Kalau dia dah start main tutup lampu ke apa ke buat dek je sampai dia tak jadi main dah. Tapi Mak on the other hand, she gave in to  her grandkid a lil bit too much. Amboih dulu kecik2 dulu iols kena bantai cucu dia ni nak jentik pun tak sampai hati. Lepastu iols buli je balik kalau dia buli so nanti dia akan stress. Kiki.


Anyway few days more til I go back. Cam sedih pulak nak tinggalkan. Seronok plak dah a few days duduk sini. Risau jugak nanti sapa nak halang mak dari kena buli dengan Naynay kahkah. Baby pun very slim chance nak jumpa. If only I have plenty of annual leaves to spare. Sigh.

Ciao

December 24, 2015

#keItalykekita



A;

Betul ke you nak gi Italy ni...tak payah la pergi.


K;

Boleh ke you pergi Italy ni...jangan baru pergi 4 hari dah mintak balik.


Once in a while it's good to have that being wanted feeling coming back to you after what has somewhat felt like being devalued so much. Kasi can la kan..kahkah macam haremm, i know.

Baby, jauh makngah makngah datang ni. Habis cuti makngah nak simpan carry forward tahun depan ni. Keluar please, sayang?

December 23, 2015

Radar

I was frantically searching for my instant shawl. Pretty sure I skimmed through each and every single pieces. Nope. Positive I didn't find it.

"Mak ada nampak shawl adik tak. Yang biru dgn hitam tu" 
"Haritu mak nampak ade je kat sini" 

And so she went. And she freakin pulled my instant shawl out of the place I've searched before.
And shot me the whatever-lah-kau-ni-anak look.

I swear. Moms are the best thing finder in the world. Hihihi..



So I was out meeting this hmm someone. Unplanned, kebetulan he just got back from outstation. And I wanted to pass the thing he asked me to buy from Hatyai. And we are long overdue to meet each other, each time mesti ada je halangan. So tonight, quite late, I almost finished packing and he was passing by my house I thought- lepak je lah.

And out of a sudden, a text came through..

 "Assalamualaikum" 
"Waalaikumussalam" 
"tak tdo lg ke" 
"blum. hihi" 
"watpe ni you"

Kahkahkah. Itu pun aneh jugak ye. Ada radar jugak ke. I don't normally text somebody late at night that frequent, especially since he has extended family coming over to his place this week. Last we texted each other was around 8 something and I just let the last message unreplied. Plus dia memang tido awal. Nad sekarang nak chill dan cekal takde clingy-clingy to text messages. Sebab dia pernah keluar statement orang kening bersambung ni kuat cemburu, so takyah la jawab betul-betul just to keep the peace. Terpaksa la guna distraction skill. And as expected halfway through dah senyap dah. Tido lettew. 

December 21, 2015

Cepat marah vs Cepat sensitif

Semalam;
I rasa you dah ambik perangai I sikit la, macam cepat marah sekarang.

Diam diam dalam hati. Dia tak tau iols kalau PMS burung berkicauan pun boleh kena marah. Lols


Harini;

You, you cepat sensitive tak? 
Nape tanya camtu? 
I macam dah cepat sensitive la sekarang. Dok fikir perangai sapa la yg I ambik ni. 
Kahkahkah. Cis betul tanya soalan tepat camtu. Nasib kau la bang.


It's okay. I am trying my best to develop some kecekalan over here. Lately I have been told a lot of things. Sedih ada marah ada kecewa ada, tp of the utmost important, I don't let those feelings get on me anymore. Upset upon hearing, and I shake it off. Selepas what it felt like being stabbed front and back, top and bottom, I don't think I should be like how I was before.  What doesn't kill you, should make you stronger, yes?


Banyak lagi yang bermain difikiran, I'm just going to let it just linger in my mind.
Right now right here, I am just going with the flow, and keep the faith to The Almighty.

December 20, 2015

Full Name

Did something that annoys him. Asal geram/marah/bengang je keluar nama penuh. Kahkah.


Tp harini kisah menyayat hati sikit :

"You, okay tak shawl I"
"Kebaya ketat la you, labuhkan la sikit shawl ni, tutup sikit"

And...a few other things that he dropped, like a bomb. Drop it like it'S hot.


Belle dah marah ni, deal tahun baru dah kena stop contacting him.


Hmmmm..

December 17, 2015

Superpower

I had trouble sleeping last night. Tossed around the bed left and right but still couldn't fall asleep. Someone told me because I did skipping. Tapi semalam pun iols skipping jugak elok je pukul 11 dah tertido. Hmm. Tipu betul teori.

Funny thing happened yesterday. So I went out for lunch. It's hard these days to have lunch since the company's rules have changed a bit. Not mine lah. Or maybe dia malas nak lunch ngan iols? Paranoid alert ting ting ting ok whatever.

After lunch somebody was so sleepy I thought he was drugged or something. I took over the wheel and drove around since we have another 30 minutes before my lunch break is over. I think this is only the 2nd time I drove him, and the first time I drove his car. So ni mmg ngantuk betul la ni.

The seat was reclined and somebody dozed off. I went to buy my favourite bigcup coffee. Asked him to take a sip, he did and made some remark and asked me to drive to Petronas because he wanted to withdraw some money. ATM was packed so we went back to my workplace.

I parked for a while and give some time before I wake him up. Tak sampai hati. When my time was up and made sure the other person can do some maths only I left for work. Yup. I test sleepy people with their adding and subtracting ability. Lols.

I found out that the whole time he was talking to me up to the point we were parked, he didn't quite realize what was happening. All those things, directions was uttered subconsciously. Aneh betul manusia cemni. I asked for direction and it was answered correctly okay. Is this some kind of superpower. Rugi iols tak tanya soalan pelik-pelik mana tau bole dapat jawapan jujur ke ape kan. Kah.


Haih. Mengeluh iols ni memikirkan nasib diri. Haih sesangat.

Sunday come quick please dah takde mood nak kerja this week.




December 16, 2015

Setahun sudeyh

So many things in my mind that I need to let it out.


One year has passed

It's my first year anniversary in the current workplace. Never regretted resigning from where I worked before. So far I enjoyed working here. Tadi je ada kena muntah sikit dengan patient. Lain-lain has been okay...so far so good. Got to practice my skills and got to do more compared to my previous workplace.


Spa

I went to the spa treatment gifted by A last time. It rained cats and dogs soon after I reached Puchong. The parking was quite hard to find so I had to park somewhere and walk to find the place. Walk. In the middle of the rain. And I didn't even know where the place at, called a few times but still couldn't get to the place I almost gave up. Like a headless chicken I went here and there and only managed to find the place after my clothes is drenched in rain despite having umbrella. Thank God the treatment was good. Had scrubs, masker as well as 30 mins massage. The massage was not too bad but I still prefer my favourite Thai massage. Again, thank you kind stranger for the gift.


However, since I went from drenched in rain to air-conditioned room, I am feeling slightly under the weather today. Need to get me some Vitamin C before it got worsened.



Eh. Macam banyak je nak cerita. Tapi dah takde idea. Oh well.



December 14, 2015

Say what you mean

Say what you mean, mean what you say - that, I always tell myself.


However today I was caught in an awkward situation that requires me to say..something that I don't really mean. It was a phrase that requires me to reciprocate, so I had to do..just to fit in the moment.


Kinda confused on how to reply. And I hate myself for saying something I don't really mean. But iols pernah cakap I miss you and it was replied with thank you kahkah macam jilake jugak perasaan dia. So really, I really don't know what should I do.


Maybe it doesn't mean as much to people on the other end but to me, it does. Fuh, it sure doesn't feel good when you say something that you don't mean to other people I wonder how people can do this a lot of time?

December 13, 2015

Kelegaan

So I just did KL - Penang - Kangar - Hatyai - Penang - KL.

Rode on bus to Penang, ETS to Kangar, taxy to Haytai, car to Penang and executive bus to KL. Totally amazed with the train stations. It's like the European's. Proper waiting area, amenities and all. Beza dia train ni singgah Kodiang ja kalau tak ziryes dah sama macam German.

Had my first experience crossing border to Hatyai. Because it was school holiday, it's a bit packed. Wany told me usually there aren't as many people on normal days. Took us around half an hour to get the passport stamped.

Taxy from the border to Hatyai costed us around 650baht, and the journey took around 1 hour. Tak pasti mahal ke tak because the taxy guy was very hard people to negotiate with. Awal tu dia bukak harga 800baht if I'm not mistaken.

In Hatyai itself....all I can say the sellers are not friendly at all. They couldn't care less if you are buying or not so they don't really treat you well. Didn't really shop there because of that cari barang yg memang orang kirim je. But I did went a little gugu gaga over shop that sells flask..periuk..tiffin..sudip. Kahkah dah macam makcik2 dah iolsss.

Food wise..the pulut ayam and mangga are scrumptious. We had lunch at Restoran Hamid- food are so-so but because it has place to pray and toilet with water so it's convenient.

We went to massage parlour but suprisingly enough I didnt go for the full body massage. I went gor the foot massage instead. Badan lekit and we were sweating so I wasn't comfortable to get the full body massage. Rugi sikit especially after Z bragged how good it was. Takpelah, I can always go to my favourite Thai massage in KL...


Balik makan nasi kandaq ketapang - my all time favourite. 10 malam makan nasi sepinggan ape ade hal. Pagi tadi breakfast another round of nasi kandaq ape ade hal. Balik timbang naik 2kg menangis dalam hati now dah banyak hal. Hwaaaa..sedih.


All in all it was an okay trip. Tapi kalau kahwin macam nak cari periuk dekat Hatyai je kahkah berangan abis bile la nak kahwin ni. Hmm.


Somebody went quiet on me apehal tah. Message pun tak berjawab. Oh well.

December 10, 2015

Berlapang dada

I think I need to learn to berlapang dada. Like really lower lower down my expectation. Like don't expect anything from anyone. That way, I'll be a lot happier.


This is me reminding myself, don't go bitter over little things. Bersyukur lah with what and who you have in your life. At least they are still there, still not given up on you.


Think of those happy moments. Those things that make you smile from ear to ear. All those good memories.


December 08, 2015

Tak puas hati

The last run has really costed my leg and my body. My calf pain got even worse today. Kulit ku kilat-kilat kerana sunburn. Jalan kengkang-senget sebab sakit. Nak sangat lari jejauh nah amik kau ni makanan dia.

So I told someone about the calf pain. And how I wished I got them massaged. And he offered to buy me a spa treatment. I was skeptical at first. Then he asked for my email. Next thing I know I got an email with  Groupon vouchers. 2 visit some more. I stared the coupons  in disbelief and thanked him anyway.

I told him out of worries and pain never expecting for anything, really. Just wanted someone to listen. Saja nak mengadu je. May God bless you kind souls! :)

Anyyyywayyyyy...


I don't usually go and voice out what bothers me. I just go silent and try to calm the demons down. While in the process of calming down, I usually buat perangai to the person that makes me feel..whatever ketidakpuasan I was having. Taknak beritahu sebab apa tapi geram.


Because sometimes...my reasons are quite ridiculous. I overthink things. So it's better if the other person don't know what's inside my mind. Tapi, geram dalam hati lepastu protes orang perasan jugak kan. Kahkah.


Dulu-dulu bila buat perangai, other person will assume, and at times kena marah balik sebab saya marah/tak puas hati based on his assumption. Kadang tu tak betul pun. However with this guy, he told me specifically to just voice out anything that bothers me. I told him i'm not used to it. He told me then get used to it.


At first it felt weird to tell people your dissatisfaction. Tapi now it does feel good somehow. Kalau ada tak pueh hati I would put on the jeling-senget-marah emoticon or would just go "I marah kat you ni"

Tengok la tu perangai. Dah kena warn pun nak tau gak. Told him the reason and he offered me some explanation. Pastu gelak-gelak je la. Sebenarnya iols chill je orangnya :P  

However, unfortunately, this is another keterbiasaan dan i need to takbiasakan. It's not like I will end up with him anyway..

Hmm.




December 07, 2015

Closing my 2015 Run

New distance recorded - I've ran 16km TRAIL run in FRIM yesterday.


When we first registered, I wanted to go for the 9km category. But I was convinced by Zack it's time to step up my game and because i registered during my birthday, she said I should have gifted myself a longer run.

Little did I know I'm going to be ditched by her halfway through -_-

 It was a hilly trail and there are points where running is almost impossible for newbies like me. For 16km we had to run 2 loops of the trail. So having gone through the first loop, I knew what is coming and how steep the hills were and how demotivating and tiring that can be awaiting me in the 2nd half.

I tried to rehydrate myself as much as I could but with the hilly trail, but cramps are still inavoidable circumstances. I had my first cramp at km8-9 but I shook it off and went on anyway. The cramp subsided after a while.

After finishing first loop, I met Adam, Zack's friend and he told me he's not going for the 2nd loop. Zack was behind me and I thought she is going to join me in the 2nd loop. Checked my phone after I started 2nd loop only to find out Zack ditched me.

Disebabkan tema larian tahun ini just keep swimming, just keep running, I forced myself to just go on. Run, walk or crawl, I need to finish this run. And I finish it at 2:54hours. At the last kilometres I just couldn't take it anymore as the cramp start to be more persistent and just won't go away.


I was just so glad I finished the race. Still experiencing some pain until today but hey, who would have thought this fatgirl can run 16km TRAIL run...


This is my last run for 2015. Last year I ran 6. This year I promised myself to run 7. Registered for 7 but I truthfully only ran 6 because Puma night run didn't really count. 

Next year target?
My first Half Marathon perhaps. Not quite sure if I can run more than 7 so let's just put 7 as a target. Itupun kalau mampu capai. 




MWM - Hulu Langat Trail Run - Green Warrior Run - Mardi-MAEPS Trail Run - Puma Night Run - FRIM Forest Trail Run - Larian MPSJ

December 05, 2015

Serabut

There's so much things that happened this few days. And so many wrong timing decisions. Such a costly decisions :(

I need to get the house in KL rented soon. Need to furnish it a lil bit here and there and I've got no time to do that... :(

Tangan pun macam sakit. Performed a difficult extractions and it's still aching til now. Maybe need a massage but too lazy to go by myself :(

Still adjusting with the lower dosage of antidepressant. Need to get adjusted soon. Soonest...before I fall even deeper. Kinda missing him now that makes me scared :(


Let's do this WonderWoman!

December 04, 2015

Angan-angan jadi impian, impian jadi cita-cita

During my schooldays, I've always wanted to be a doctor. But then reality kicks in. And I realized I don't enjoy Biology as I thought I would.

I saw the struggles of my relatives to secure a job and I thought to myself, I will find a job that has a demand so high I need not go through the hassle and disappointment of job hunting. So I thought, okay, maybe not quite a medical doctor, but I should stick in the healthcare line. 

I was still searching for a path back then.

At the age of 17 I finally got my chipped front tooth fixed after living with it for close to 10 years. I was inspired. 

I got straight As for my SPM but only A2 for my Biology and EST, so I said, okay, I can actually still be in the healthcare field. Why don't I choose Dentistry, close enough to Medicine, I guess?

As I started Dentistry, I realized I still have some love for Medicine. I began to love Oral Medicine subject so much because that was the closest to Medicine I can get. At the same time, I also fell in love more towards Dentistry ;)

When I finally started working, I really enjoyed my Oral Medicine/Oral Pathology rotation. I developed a good connection with my specialist, that I even continued with once in 2 week attachment with him. 

However, I have begun to not enjoyed my work in my then workplace. Repetitious. Too many workload. I felt like I was a robot. I became an angry person after seeing around 40 patients per day. I didn't have enough time to have small chit chat with my patients. I didn't enjoy working in Johor. 

But strangely enough, I felt so sad because I felt like I didn't give back enough to the community, despite the fact that I dislike working where I was before.

I resigned from my old workplace and started working where I am working right now. I get to practice my skills again. Loads of things happen. I realized my passion to work on my own and give back to community starting to surpass my dream to become a specialist. 

At this moment, I dreamed of owning my own practice. I want to give back to community with my own way. At one point the dream got shattered when I lost a potential partnership but now I am back in the track.

Another dream was also born as I aim to open a child care centre which caters..erm..almost everything. Won't disclose anything as of now as it's still in the angan-angan phase :P

I am actually a strict person to myself. At times I would like to think I am a high achiever. Becomes specialist has always been my ultimate goal. But right now, I have to work on something else first. 


Ergh..writing this in between loads of patients rasa macam tak sampai plak sepenuhnya perasaan plak tapi still nak buat luahan perasaan. Kahh..Kbye

December 02, 2015

Trivial Questions

I always wonder whether guys really meant what they said. Or they said things at the spur of the moment. Didn't really mean it. If asked again, they might not even remember ever saying it. Well, my experience has kinda proves me right. So before saying goodbye for good, I'd like to test him.

Over a plate of Nando's whole chicken, wedges, coleslaw and iced lemon tea, I started my interrogation..


Alaa you bukan ingat pun apa you penah cakap kat I. Bukan ingat pun benda-benda kita buat. I lain laa, i, never forget. Nad remembers everything, K.  
Eh bak datang la try I..you ingat you sorang je ke memory power.

Okay, first time kita jumpa, you pakai baju warna apa?

Biru!

Salah! Naaa tengok soalan first pun dah jawab salah..

Eh betul la. Ke kelabu?

Takk.. Okay next question- i makan apa time kita first time jumpa

Mi!

Salah!

Okay maggi! Maggi goreng, dengan ayam..time tu you pakai baju warna warni..
Apa tipu gila, hari-hari I pakai baju warna-warni 
Oklah..base dia hijau..eh hitam..I tak suka you pakai baju tu jangan pakai baju tu dah..

T__________T Okay fine. To be honest I don't like wearing that baju either, but I wore because, well, it shows a lil bit of my curves haha gila reverse effect rupanya kasi kat dia. So no more that baju to work. Noted!

Okay, ye. I dah lama pun tak pakai baju tu.. fine..betul..next question, 2nd time kita jumpa kat mana

Ice kacang! Haha..you yg trap i bawak you..cakap kereta rosak

Mana ada rosak! Kereta I servis tak siap lagi la..

Tp lepastu balik servis lampu indicator kereta you rosak kan

Eh..tu lepas servis okay

Ha betul la jugak, rosak la jugak kereta you tu

Okay fine!

Biar I plak tanya soalan..time kita makan dekat Tam Nasi Ayam, apa yang i mengadu kat you?

Ehh...aaaa..

*somebody menari-nari menggeliat dalam cubaan melarikan fokus. Sambil menggoyangkan kepala letak simbol L loser besar-besar dekat dahi*
Haa..apa..mana memory you yg power tu..

Alaa..Tam eh..i tak ingat dah la..
I cakap pasal kereta I basah..cermin leaking tu
Itu you dah cakap jugak kottt before tu..maca aci.. 
Ahh..takde. Tapi time tu mostly concern I memang kereta basah..  
Okay. Apa lagu yang you cakap I tuju kat you tu 
Haha..tu mana aci..tu bukan you yang cakap. Tu I yg cakap. 

So I thought he didn't remember..

Ed Sheeran! Hahaha..I ingat la..tajuk je I tak tau..I tak hafal tajuk 
Haha..okay. Fine. Boleh la betullah..
Apa yang you cakap "Okay..next week I hantar .... I nak you .... I nak make sure you ....." 
Finally question he didn't quite remember. Came out with all sorta answers but finally got one quite close
...pasal business partner...
Haa..okay almost there. But not quite. See.. I dah cakap dah..you ni main cakap je bukan you maksudkan pun. 20% tahap pelupa teruk you. 
I banyak fikir la you. Tapi I still maksudkan apa yang I cakap okay..
Dan-dan banyak fikir.


And a few more questions that he answered quite right.
I was smiling in my heart, quite delightful when he remembers a lot of things. But a little bit sad because I need to bury these memories soon.


Soon. Real soon. :)
Today doesn't count because I had some unsettle business with him. Business now finished we can close the chapter already.