Rindu

Perhaps it's time for a solo trip?

Forgiveness

The phone storage is almost full so I had to do some cleaning up.

And I stumbled upon pictures over pictures that brought memories. A sharp, prickling pain stung me and I thought to myself, are they even legit?

I came knowing that it isn't going anywhere, I didn't wanna go anywhere but I do hope it's going to be here to stay and was comforted with a fact that it's going to stay the way it is. I enjoyed the company very much so. But who knows modifications happened. Trust flipped off.

I was initially shocked, later on disappointed. Now I'm just trying to learn to forgive myself. For holding on to much onto words. For developing such dependency.

You used to be alright, what happened?

Once in a while

Once in a while I would like to be one heartless bitch. Jadi orang tak pemaaf. For every broken promises, every words said that was meaningless and every litre of tears, I would like to hold grudge.


And I would like to do that too. Make a promise that I don't intend to keep. Say something that I dont really mean.


And live my life without guilt that I might have caused another person to suffer.

For once.

Faded

This is the photo that I carry around with me wherever I go.

I used to put in my purse but realizing how clumsy I can be and how easy I can be to be losing my purse I put it elsewhere, but near to me.

One day my house in Pontian were broken in. They took some random things including this photo. For some reason they realized the thing they took were useless so they dumped it in a sewage and the police managed to return it back to me.

The photo has faded.

But this is one of the little things that I hang onto that reminded me of my father.

It has been too long. I'm really afraid that one day I might have forgotten how he looked like. Just like this photos, the memories might fade away too.

Fb has been flooded with fathers' day wishes. All I wish is may you be placed among para solihin, may Allah bless your soul and forgives you. May we be reunited soon.

I miss you pa. Lama dah tak datang dalam mimpi :(

How do we end

Every now and then when I let my mind fly to anywhere and lose my focus I had random thought like what if I let go of the steering and hit the divider, what if I crash hard into the walls, what if I jump over this height.


It's okay if I don't make it but if I survive with injuries that will trouble my families or lose my abilities to live and function, that's pretty depressing.


Just wondering if I have live my life enough and make an impact to people around me. If I leave this world, will my absence be felt?


Random thoughts. Just some random thoughts.

Erti hidup pada memberi

In La Tahzan, one of the ways to make you happy is to help the unfortunates. The more you give, the more you receive.


One of my azam ramadhan this year is to give more. I realized I am not quite a generous person. Seeing how He showed me what it feels like to have your rezeki "held", I insaf a bit. So I pledge to give more.


And when the ustaz said something like semoga Allah gandakan sedekah anda dan diberi ganjaran syurga, I choked up a bit. How easy it is to do good and how easy it is to gain pahala..


Bukan niat mempropa kebaikan, but I write here to remind myself to keep doing good coz it feels good doing good.


On the other hand...I can't even describe how I felt after a while.. I was overwhelmed. I was in mixed of being happy and being angry when I reminded of some broken promises.


I wanted to spill out what's mountaining inside me, I wanted to talk about everything but I kept my guards up and kept cold. As cold as I could when all I wanted to do was the exact opposite. I held back my laugh and my smile. I don't want to create good memories that I will miss later on in the future who knows this might be the last? Coz there's no more strong reason for a meet up after this.


Atau adakah sebenarnya ini PMS?

One obstacle down

My fight with Expedia finally came to an end. It didn't cover the total of my damage because I was too lazy to include all the details but a huge portion was settled so that's one obstacle down. Alhamdulillah wa syukurilah. Got the news when I was in the mall yesterday I almost kneel down and cry. Kah. Nasib tak buat drama. Boleh lah raya tahun ni.


Ramadhan is here, finally. Rasa macam cepat masa berlalu. As much as I dreaded this year, things are happening still. Just gotta go with the flow I guess. Just keep swimming. Just keep moving.


Hoping the days get better soon.

La Tahzan

I am feeling a little extra shitty today. The kind of feeling that accumulates anger, sadness, angst, frustration, and hopelessness in one go.


I would like to open my heart and share what and why exactly I have been feeling like this but I need to gather my thoughts and channel it properly. Plus, I might be exposing my weaknesses too and I don't want some people to use it to their own advantage. For example kalau aku cakap aku rindu nak makan goreng pisang some people might be posting in facebook how happy they are eating goreng pisang and she might just be doing it on purpose for all we know.


Yes I'm paranoid. No I'm not okay yet. I still wake up in the middle of night feeling all shitty. I still lose my focus at times. I still got headache. And I cried watching X-Men movie when I saw how broken Professor X in Days of Future Past.


But I've started reading this book. It does provide some comfort to me so despite being not okay, I think I'm doing my very best not to be worse.

I need this in my life

Now that I work on a less busy setting, I started to do more  RCTs (Root Canal Treatment). Never really had the chance to practice my skill when I was practicing at my old place due to the time constraint and patient's low commitment to appointments. 

I think I should invest on a loupe so I don't put too much stress on my eyes and my back trying to get a view. Costed around 1200RM but at the moment I am in the middle of never ending crisis Expedia getting my refunds back, there is no way I can splurge on the loupe in this few months :( But I really need this since I am now in full gear of sharpening my skill for RCT and a few other complex things.

Oh my loupe, for ye I shall be :(

I think as of now I'm leaning towards opening up my surgery rather than continuing my studies. But to own a clinic I must also attend a few courses so that can be considered as continuing my studies too. Tapi I need someone whom I can trust as an investor. I had one before. Tapi looking at current situation, I don't think that certain someone still interested. Things have been turning 180 degrees from before not quite sure which words I can trust anymore.


Oh well, let time tells. Guess I have to work until my financial situation permits me too make another step..

Another one done

Green Warrior Run 2015

Flag off delayed about 40mins due to the heavy rain.
They gave us option whether to run or not in the rain. Thought to myself, kau dah carbo loading melantak Humble Chef semalam berani tak mau lari.
I started about 5mins late.
I ran (or walked actually, really) in the rain that lasted along the first 7km and enjoyed it very much so.
Clocked in 1:36 and did't even run more than 2km due to the rain.
Felt so good to run in the rain. Rasa macam nak lari sambil nyanyi "let the raaaainn fall down and wake my dream let it washhhh awayy my sanity"

Every run has its story, has its memory.

So what's next? Definitely anywhere but Putrajaya of course!

Shake it off

It's a wrap!

9 days

Thousands of memories

Precious advices

Back home now hopefully stronger than ever. Activating my plans now.

Adios amigos!

What happens on the dance floor stays on the dance floor

Looked forward to seeing him tonight actually. I have always a thing for him since before and it is quite mutual. But there's too much gap to bring close with so we stayed casual.


Few months ago we met and it was nice seeing him.


Tonight we met again and thanks to him I had my first dance ever to Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud.
It was lovely. Being close to him, being in his arms.


Things won't go anywhere with him as he has his own life too ;) But It's definitely a night to remember.


(: