Earlier Than Expected

 It's happening....earlier than expected. Dang, I am not ready to let go this place just yet. 

Thinking of taking 2 weeks of my last month of service, but apparently I cannot do that. I have called the HR earlier on to enquire, just not to the correct person so my bad jugak la. They said I can always do it manually rupanya tak. Lepas dah tender baru la I talked to the correct person and got a correct information. Cisss..I don't want to upset my boss tapi tadi muka dia ada sikit berubah tadi bila cakap nak shorten notice. So here I am, making last minute decision.

Initially I wanted to at least finish this year, to the whole month because they are kinda short of manpower. Tapi bila dah jadi cenggini, ku terpaksa jadi half selfish and take the last 2 weeks off. 

Pick up and gather yourself. Let's go for this roller coaster ride.

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim

The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

 The news is finally out. Fuh.

I have always wondered the direction of my career. For some reasons, I don't quite see myself growing old at where I am right now. However, I didn't give very much thought about quitting just yet because, well, I don't have valid reasons to do so.

I have been offered the place where I am doing my part time around a year ago? 2 years ago? Been working with her since 2014 on alternate weekends, so I kinda knew the place for a while. When I was offered, I was quite afraid in the beginning. And the offer came again earlier this year....

The place where I work is already the most comfortable place in the whole wide world! An 8-5 job, with stable and increasing income every year.. I get to do a little bit more stuff from the gahmen clinic. And this recent year, I get to do something more of my passion - fitness related stuff which I won't get to do at somewhere else, I think. I get to go places I won't go by myself, doing things I wouldn't think I would do. But I did. And it was such a good experience.

SO why would I leave this place? Well, when things get too comfortable, I begin to question about MY CAREER. The degree that I worked for 5 years. It is going stagnant at the moment. I looked around. My friends - where are they right now, and I tend to compare myself. I began to question myself. I am not married yet. My career is at plateau phase. What have I achieved in this 33 years?

Moreover when the world is hit with the pandemic, my job was pretty..useless. I wanted to help, I wanted to do more. I do get a little bit of chance to do little things, but it is too little too late as I have started to give deeper consideration to quit. 

I have made istikharah. Asked around for opinions. Researched a bit. Made some calculations for my commitments because my pay is commission-based with basic that is not as stable as what I get right now. And finally am ready to go out of my comfort zone. Taking this big leap of faith.

It is scary. Full of uncertainties. Tapi tak cuba tak tahu kan. At least with the new job insyaAllah, I get to do more, and my voices are heard 😄

Oh My EYES

Last few days I noticed my vision started to become blurry, and it started to worry me. I have been using spectacles since I was 8 so I know the difference between increased power and something..unusual.

So I made an urgent appointment with the ophthalmologist at a private center. Could have gotten an appointment at Sungai Buloh but my problem was getting a tad too annoying. Nak drive pun a bit terganggu sebab blur. Drive malam pun teruk with the lights and all. My eyes also became extra teary.

 

Had a thorough checkup, given a few solutions for the examination, including the liquid that dilates my pupils. Thank God I brought a driver because my vision was so blurry for at least 3 hours I think. Turns out, I have a very, very dried eyes that the surface of my eyes is gritty. Something called punctate epithelial erosions. The tears I produced lacked of mucous. I have also developed some sort of allergy to contact lens, which is pretty normal for someone who has been wearing it for a very long time. 

So I have to be off contact lens for at least a month ( 3 months optimum actually but I'd like the least option :P) and was given 2 types of eyedrops. One which I have to use 2 hourly. Had to fork out a hefty amount for the checkup though, sedikit sedih tapi tulah, beli beskal boleh takkan dengan diri sendiri pun berkira kan. Kakaka..

My vision is still blurry. There are some good days, some bad days la. Like yesterday, it was okay in the morning, but later towards the end of the days it starts to be blurry. I need to rest my eyes more. But today, it is blurry even from the morning. Just hoping it does not get too severe later today. It is okay if I don't have to work because I don't have to "use" my eyes too much (for driving, etc). 

Semoga penglihatanku kembali pulih seperti sediakala. Aminn..

My Plate Is Full

 On one hand, I have workload from A, with deadlines and criteria to be met. Had to be delivered perfectly. No flaws expected. Aimed for the highest.

On the other hand, I have workload from B. A new thing to me. Still so much to learn. But am expected to deliver nonetheless. 

On top of that, my own job also needs to be attended. Still need to be present.

At one point, it does get a little too much but I am trying to bertahan as best I could. Still trying my best to give my all to all things put on my plate. It is tiring but what choice do I have?

Finding THE Reason

 In a straight highway where the roads are kinda boring, but safe and guaranteed to the destination, we will come across a new path where roads are winding but exciting.

So you keep wondering to yourself, which roads should be taken. You started to think of taking that big leap of faith. But there are things that hold you back. There are things you can't seem to let go.

Until you were given a reason.

So you started thinking to yourself - is this it?

Trying To Contain A Flame

I slept with a question I needed an answer last night and woke up to no answer this morning. So naturally, I was mad lah kan. I kinda knew the answer already but the way I had to dig for the answer....itu yang buat aku angin actually. Lepastu balas amarah dengan amarah. Memang gone lah mood already. 

Plus I am still burdened by the problem going around people close to me. It is hard to witness. It's hard on eyes on my brain. I wanted to close eyes and pretend I don't care. But I can't. I am trying my best not to be affected by it. But I can't. At the moment I can just pray and hope for the best. 

To add fuel to the flame, I was given another task at work. Very small time frame to execute. Really, really, really stressful. Plus everything had to be delivered perfectly. 

Very close to give up everything in this life. But then I came to read a blog I frequented and see how that person just hadap segala masalah yang dia ada dengan cara dia. It comforted me a bit. 

Hoping for better days to come.

Getting Old

A lot of time, I get a tad too emotional around my birthday. Tak pasti mengapa. Marah kerana menjadi tua barangkali 😭 

I actually planned to take a day off on my birthday to pamper myself. Unfortunately this year it falls on a day before Raya Haji. So naturally a lot of people will be taking leaves on that day and a colleague of mine requested to swap our standby day because she'll be on leave too. What choice do I have...dah la single rumah dekat takkan nak jadi selfish pula kan. So I agreed.

I already anticipate me being grumpy and upset on that day. In fact I am already one since yesterday. Cried on random things. Orang dapat suprise pun aku nangis. SMS puji bini dia pun aku nangis. Some random dad got guitar as present from his kiddos pun aku nangis. Ergh...getting older is not fun. And this is not me PMSing. I just had my menses last week.

Sigh. I hate this feeling right here

Forgiveness

There’s so much truth in this.


Where am I right now, what I am dealing with is because of the path I took during the past. And I still haven’t forgiven myself and everything or anything that had happened. I tried to let it go, i tried to erase it from my memory, but I just couldn’t. Thinking about it itself brings so much anger and I am so disgusted at myself.


Not quite sure how long will I have this feeling. I am pretty happy with my current life. But I still wouldn’t be able to grant forgiveness to the past.

Nadzirah

A SeoulSearching Trip To Remember

Day 48? 47? of MCO and 2 months post travel, and I finally have the mood to jot down the trip I had to Seoul. For some reasons, I just can't seem to bring myself to write a post padahal this is the time to note about this memorable time. The trial time where we had to be homebound ourselves due to the deadly Sars-Cov-2 virus or notoriously known as the Covid19 disease. I remembered complaining about how tiring it was to work since the new semester started especially now that we are one man (or woman) down and bammm suddenly we were out of work for more than a month. What a time to live in huh?

Okay back to the main point...my trip to Seoul. The shortest planning time ever. Motivated by the airfare discount by MAS last November. I was kinda reluctant to go because I just came back from Japan last September. Usually it would take me at least 6 months to plan for a trip. Most of the time, more. I need to plan my finance wisely. My leaves. However after some convincing done by Wany, I followed through. The very least prepared trip. I don't even have plans where to go until the last days before going.

Around the time we were going, they were already outbreak of Covid19 cases around the world. We had dilemma, but since it was still quite early and the number of cases were around 50 in Korea when we were about to go, we proceeded anyway. However I must say, traveling with being very cautious of not catching the disease is no fun at all. I had to be paranoid to almost everything I was touching. I tried not to touch the train pole. The staircase handle. I even took less pictures because most of the time I had my mask on and my hands inside my coats to avoid touching unnecessary things!

We flew with MAS on February 19th with midnight flight and reached Seould early in the morning. Took bus to the hotel in Myeondong to leave our luggages. Too bad they did not allow early check in so we decided to just proceed with going to Gyeongbokgung Palace on that very first day. Yeap, we haven't showered for more than 12 hours already by that time 😓 Rented the traditional Hanbok and we burst to laughter seeing ourselves in this very girly Hanbok with very princess-ish vibe. SO not me. Had lunch at Kampungku restaurant, went back to hotel to shower, rest a bit and went out again to experience Myeondong street and food at night. Also pergi the 11 floor building of Daiso. Ye, kita experience most of the floors okay. GIgih tak. Oh we stayed at Days Hotel by Wyndham. Very strategic. Near to the famous shopping street and train station.

Day 1 - Gyeongbokgung, Myeongdong Street. 11-floor-building DAISO!

On the second day we already pre-booked trip with Klook to 3 places - Railbike in Geongchon (?), Petit France and the ever famous Winter Sonata Nami Island. Costed us around RM200 I think for the journey all-inclusive except for food of course. The journey took 1.5 hours bus ride from Myeondong. Firstly we cycled on a railbike to tour around this Gongcheon area. It was kind of chilly. Interesting kind of tourist attraction. At least dapat la senam sikit kan. Petite France - miniature of houses and all-things, French? Ada Eiffel tower etc. This was significant place for Running Man fans sebab one of the episodes was filmed here. Jeju Island took around 10 minutes ferry ride from the jetty. Kejap je tak sempat nak tido pun. We had lunch here, and there was a praying area too. Senang boleh jamak Zohor Asar sekali. Honestly takde apa sangat pun melainkan the winter vibe, the trees tapi betul la, the way you market the place matters. Entahnya kalau Pantai Senik dekat KB tu kalau properly marketed pun bole jadi hype macam Nami ni kuhkuhkuh.

Railbike tu bole naik 4 orang. Dekat Jeju ada jugak memorial coffee house where the couples were filmed etc.

On the third day we had free and easy day. Went to Namdaemun to shop for brooches. Too bad the main place was already closed down due to the Covid19 outbreak. At that point, there was already chaos about the Shinniseoji temple outbreak. We remained cautious. Nak jalan pun seriously risau. Masked on almost full time. Anyway, nasib ada  a few small shops still open so we get to shop brooches and souvenirs at Namdaemun. Ada window shop winter jacket ingat nak beli sebab affordable dan cantik tapi terlupa nak patah balik! Kahkahkah. We then proceeded to Bukchon Hanon Village, a residential that still retained the traditional houses. Menarik ya how they managed to preserve the are until now. Kalau kat Malaysia dah lama nak robohkan dan dibangunkan semula. Petang tu kita attempted to go to Namsan tower tapi it was too windy so the cable car didn't work. Malas nak naik bas so we just decided to go the next day. Malam tu buat last minute skincare shop semua and found my skincare holy grail - Mamonde! So glad I made the decision to try it because I'm lovin' it.

Bukchon Hanon Village and the pintu gerbang of Namdaemun. Tak ramai dah sangat orang time ni. Tapi kagum dekat most of tourist attraction, they placed guides untuk tunjuk arah takut orang sesat! Bagus gila.

The last day we went to Namsan tower since semalam dah tak jadi. Tak masuk pun conservatory deck tu sebab kena bayar lagi. Took pictures. Pergi and balik the cable car area still kena menapak. Semalam the first attempt kita naik bukit very the gigih one tapi harini kita cheat skit sebab we took the escalator. Turun from Namsan, we strolled around Myeongdong one last time before we went to Coex Mall to take pictures at the library. Ye, semata-mata kerna gambar ya.  Oh by this time, we already had our luggages sent to Airport, bought the service from Klook. Very convenient! Senang nak berjalan kesana kesini tak bawa luggage since our flight was 12 midnight. Went to Ittaewon and sempat jamak zohor dekat Ittaewon Mosque. I can't really imagine how big it was sebab kita solat tempat Muslimah which was quite small. Tapau Halal Guys fries on the way back (semalam dah makan the kebab aaa sukaaa...sebab rindu rasa Kebab oversea lol) and took Arex, the airport shuttle to Incheon. Pun bought from Klook for RM19. Took us around 1 h 20 m. Baloi la kan KLIA express 50 minutes 55RM  kot.

Last day at our hotel. Took escalator to cable car. The view from Namsan Tower and tower itself. Ittaewon Mosque and the ever famous Coex Mall library.

Food in Seoul? Not too bad. But I like Japanese food more. Hikhik. We tried the famous fried cikin, bulgogi, the bbq, coffeee, dessert. But I definitely had confidence to try street food in Seoul sebab diorang claim Halal. Harap deme tak menipu ler. Tried the strawberry soufle pancake (10/10 sedap woi!) Egg bun (8/10 cam bahulu telur tapi because aku peminat telur aku suke je la), fish bun apa tah pun sedappp (9/10) Tried a few coffeeshops memang sedap la coffee sana aku pun tak pasti kenapa famous kat sana.  

Myeondong street food. Fish bun, mini gimbap, egg bun dan macam-macam lagi lah. 

Coffee shops - and my favourite bagels!!

Halal Guys - kebab terbaeks. Jajangmyeon at Nami Island. BBQ at Myeongdong. Fried cikin at Kampungku and Bulgogi at Eid Ittaewon.

Skincare haul! Tapi mostly untuk souvenir la sebab tu je affordable. Muahaha. 

All in all, it was a short one but definitely a memorable one. Tapi tak seronok la travel waktu camni sebab kau akan rasa paranoid sepanjang masa. Even when I reached home I tried to avoid meeting people as best as I could tapi apakan daya kerja aku memang berjumpa manusia. No order to quarantine by my superiors so I went to work as usual. But I noted my whereabouts just in case. Was paranoid of myself until almost a month. Alhamdulillah, Tuhan selamatkan kami. We could be like the famous case #136 super spreader dari Korea yang bawa ke jemaah tabligh tu kan, who knows. Dahlah katanya dia kerja Kampung Restaurant where we had lunch, twice 😞


Punyalah reluctant nak pergi, dijadikan cerita this could be the last time traveling oversea for this year, or maybe next year too since the virus is pretty much out there and no vaccine yet. Let us pray this nightmare will end soon, insyaAllah. Merindui kehidupan dapat bertebaran secara bebas tanpa kerisauan.

Hola 2020!

We have finally reached 2 0 2 0. Wow. Dulu dekat sekolah kita nyanyi lagu Wawasan 2020 rasa macam jauh tiba-tiba dah hey, harini. It's 2020.


To recap 2019 - Japan, letting go of my baby V and getting VEA, represented UiTM/my department in sports are a few of the highlights of the year. I aimed to travel abroad and I achieved. Letting go of baby V on the other hand..is kind of unplanned. Especially when I am not quite ready to commit to another loan yet. BUT, the damage is done. Just gotta move forward and try my best to adjust. Gotta work harder I guess 😏


Found out my cholesterol level is quite high. Freaked out a bit. Weight is still to much. But I started to frequent the gym, like at least once a week. Just making sure my knees ankles and joints are working well. Did not join that much of running event. I haven't even registered any runs for next year and that is so not me. Still considering whether to join MWM or not because last year we ran in PJ and it sucks. I don't like it. They are still doing it in PJ so I am still reconsidering.


The hopes for 2020... I think pretty much the hopes for every year. Travel. Career progress. Lose weight. Settling down. I'm already booked to somewhere this February and this is the shortest time I had to prepare for travel. By prepare I mean collecting funds. This is a very unplanned trip. But I went for the sake of Wany. The timing is not right too but I'll just have to try my best.


Let's just hope 2020 brings lesser heartbreaks and headaches. And probably start to make my circle smaller and keep only those who matters 😊