Empathy

Feeling a lil bit casuaaaal today so I wore my trainers to work today. One of those rare chances that I get because we are not wearing formal today. I wish I could wear these to work everyday without getting a stare. 

However, my already dead toenail finally gave up today. Cis disaat ni plak dia nak tercabut. It started with the left side only, I tried to rip it off the base but it hurts and started to bleed. Went to medical to get help.


This is where I learn empathy towards my patients. All this while I've been giving injections and doing extractions without exactly knowing how does it feel. I braved myself to watch the MA did the procedure on me despite being told not to do so.


LA (Local anaesthesia) injection was somewhat pain but unbearable. The painful moment starts when the needle is inserted and when he was trying to find the right angle to deliver the LA. The second painful moment is when he started to inject it. More of a pressure-pain because you are injecting liquid into tight spaces kot. I held on and watched him inserted the needle deep into my toe T___T


The pain got a bit too unbearable when he tried to pull the new nail growing beneath the dead and half-tercabut nail. My toenail is dead from the excessive pressure from my runs/hikes but I let it be because it didn't really bother me until today. Sakit dia sampai merengkot-rengkot bila dia tarik akar tu so I gave up and laid down. Baru ingat nak menguji pain threshold guess I wasn't that brave..


This is a lesson for me today. Now I understand how does my patients feel when I pull out their tooth. But seriously, merengkot-rengkot/stiffen your body doesn't help with the process so you gotta try to chill. Tapi memang susahlaa nak chill bila tengah sakit kan. Tadi pun I tried to control my breathing to calm myself tapi bunyi dah macam orang tengah nak beranak pulek..

Empathy is walking on other people's shoes. You'll never know the pain until you are in one. Watching one to suffer and sympathize is really not enough, you've got to empathize. 

Passed

Already pass the day so say no more to cranky lady. It is a curse that has been going on for years, I think.


This time around it messed around at such a wrong timing. I tried my best to calm the demon inside but it's just not holding up well. I tried my best. I tried, really. I avoided the phone so I don't have the urge to stir a fight. But it didn't last long.

I failed again this year :(

Negative

I am a very negative person - that, I got to admit. I always thought of the worst case senario. That's how I operate like. Dulu time result UPSR Mak asked me what did I think I will get, I told her 4A straightaway because I just don't want to keep the hopes up.


Sebab kalau jatuh dari tempat tinggi, sakitnya tuh disini double.


I'm always torn in between not getting your hopes high up or to always think of good stuff sebab kata-kata tu satu doa. But I really really really really hate being lied to, like being given false hope ke ape ke. Hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with the lie. I can't promise I will be okay with the truth there and then tapi I think I will suffer more from the lie. Gitchew.


Tapi tula, di sebalik negativity, I am always, always hoping for the things I thought negatively, turn out to be the other way round. Pikir buruk tapi harap tak jadi buruk. Like buang expectation tamau tunggu ada orang nak ajak makan best time bday tapi disudut hati ada berharap sikit-sikit. Kahh. Dah dah la tu weh takyah berangan la fancy dinner berdua ke  ape tido je la banyak-banyak hope dapat mimpi macam tu :P

Tu lagi satu perangai pelik. I treat people the way I'd like to be treated. Lepastu when expectation not met, aku sentap sorang-sorang. But I'm gonna keep it tight to myself this time when I go sentap never ever force people to do things for you just because kau sentap or kau sedih. Swallow your sadness and put on your happy mask. People have to do stuff because they want to do it bukan they have to do it. I am a difficult person liddat. Sebabtu I always give options to people to walk away from me if they ever feel like fed up. Those who stays and bertahan I vow on my life will be for them no matter what. Contohnya my bestprengs. I would go extra miles for them if you make this one crazy woman feel happy and appreciated.


On the other hand it's almost to the end of July already and I still haven't brought my lazy arse to the gym. Bought a trial voucher for a gym in Groupon, ada lagi seminggu nak expired pun masih tak pergi lagi. I am hopefully should be done with my puasa 6 tomorrow lepastu boleh lah cuba drag this fatass ke gym.


In order to keep my fitness at an acceptable level, I have to register for runs. Aku takdela poipoi to call myself an avid runner ke a marathoner ke apa but I do it to beat my own personal record.  Plusbila ada run you would want to make sure your stamina is still there before the run. I entered 4 so far this year. 1 registered another 1 to be considered. Super, super disappointed with myself because I forgot to register for Rock to Run. The medal this year looks radd uwaaaa I iz so sad.


Bila nak lari Half Marathon I also don't know. Farthest I have gone is 12km. 16km tengah istikharah lagi. Yet to find a suitable run sebab semua nya Putrajaya Putrajaya Putrajaya. Menyampah iols. I also haven't registered for a 5km fun run yet this year just for the fun and just to test how fast can I go. Taktau nak register fun run apa. Last year I closed the year with this one fun run and for some reason malas gila nak abiskan run tu nasib la lari bodo-bodo dekat tasik je.  

Of gifts and MAEPS-MARDI Trail Run

I received early gifts for my birthday - one is something that I have been eyeing on for a while. Didn't really see that coming actually so I was surprised and happy. But one thing you should know about me is I value presence more than present. Dapat hadiah happy but would be happier with the presence so nak dua-dua ke ish  kah kah tamak kau ni. 

X

Oh well..

Ran for my second trail run in MARDI yesterday. Another demotivating run next to Penang Bridge last year. The route was definitely a tough one. 12km of going up and down the hilly trails. After a month of fasting with no workout at all, that was definitely a big shock to my muscles and fats -__-" Sepanjang lari tu I had Meghan's and Charlie's Marvin Gaye played in my mind for some unknown reasons. Sambil siksa-siksa naik bukit tu kepalaotak menyanyi lagu tu aneh sekali perasaannya..

Oh  morning of the run I set my alarm clock wrongly to PM instead of AM and only woke up when Z called. Kul 6.08am dia call terus bangun lompat mandi solat siap-siap. I couldnt really sleep the night before sebab tengah sedih lols.. Thank God the stomach worked well with me and I settled my number 2 before the run. Kalau tetengah lari tu sakit perut konfem memang give up je terus. Sped up to Serdang and only took me 20mins luckily the flag off was delayed for 20 mins!

I gathered some facts from my Garmin and Nike+ Running. I always run with these two with me just to compare the data. 

The maps. The elevations and the distance. 

This is from my Nike+ Running. Recorded a max elavation of 306m while Garmin recorded a max elevation of 319m. Took me around 2hours 30 minutes to finish the run. Stuck at the bottleneck area in between km 2 and km 3 for around 20minutes and took my own sweet time to climb up certain hills because I just don't have the energy to run anymore..

This elevation chart given by the organizer. Tengok naik turun dia pun dah menyumpah sebab seriously the trail really test your endurance and the ability to push yourself while avoiding cramps and excessive fatigue.

My heart rate monitor unhooked at the beginning of the run so that explains the red bar. Couldn't be bothered to hook it back I just took it off sebab takkan nak selak baju depan ramai-ramai orang tu pulak. Maka lupakanlah. Tapi comparing to data from my previous trail run which has the same distance and time ran I think I burnt around 1400-1500 kcal from this run. Or maybe lebih sebab heart rate increases more when I climb uphill therefore burning more calories? 

The one and only bottleneck area of the run is at km 2 - km 3 where we have to cross a small bridge (a titi actually). Can you imagine having more than 300 runners stuck at one area sebab the bridge can only be passed by one person at a time. Those who ran first and avoided the big group memang tak de la stuck tapi average runners like me would have to wait in the queue. Dahlah titi tu in between a slope down the hill and lepas cross kena naik bukit pulak. Maintaining your stability at the slope itself is enough to  put pressure on you knees. Menggeletar lutut 20 minit menahan nasib ada abang lembut lended his shoulder to lean on :')  

The view from the hill was quite nice. Tapi sebab penat and slightly demotivated I didn't take a lot of pictures. Except this one because I think the background was pretty stunning but the cameraman didn't quite capture the moment.,,

I was very disappointed with the organizer because they didn't provide isotonic drinks and only provided RO Seamaster water. I don't drink drinking water and don't really enjoy the taste of Seamaster. Luckily I brought my own 100plus and mineral water and thought to bring them just in case I need more water. Turned out I had to rely on the water that I brought myself. Rehydrated myself as necessary as possible because I always get cramps on my run lately. Alhamdulillah, I survived the run without cramps thanks to the 100plus I think? This is the first time I brought 100plus with me sebab trail run lari bawak beg so boleh lah nak pack macam-macam. Normal run biasanya bawak arm band je mana muat nak masuk botol air segala..


All in all I think this is the first and last time for me tu run at MARDI's trail kot. Hulu Langat's was way much better and fun than this one. 

Confidence

I have always been struggling with my confidence issue since forever.  Growing up fat, dark, gapped teeth, thick lips and simply not typical Malaysian-guys dream (skinny, fair-skinned, skinny girls) I always feel left out. I seek clarification from other people to see where do I fit in the society.


So I became a dentist. How cliche this could sound, one of the reasons I became one is to make sure nobody feels how I felt about myself when they have imperfections, and one should know a healthy smile really could boost up your confidence.


While I tried to lift up other people's confidence, mine fluctuated throughout time. I tried my best to correct what I don't feel good about myself. I tried to be less fat. I wore braces to close my gappy teeth. I tried some beauty products to patch up my dark skins. At some points of my life where I have people close to me and made me believe that I am not as valueless as I am, my confidence remained high.


The past 1-2 years up until a few months ago were one of my best moments where I think I picked up my confidence again and I do feel appreciated since 2010. I was one happy person.


However as I depended so much on other people's view to boost my confidence, they also could easily destroy me as they walk away from my life. As weird as it sound my weight increases when I am unhappy. Each time a person that I am really closed with walk out of my life, they made me question my worth.


Currently, I think I am a boring person to hang out with. It would be embarrassing to walk with me cause I am one fat and ugly person. Yada yada I am at my lowest of the low again.


People said confidence is sexiest part of one person. I hope one day i get to be that sexy person.


I am talking rubbish again. Better stop now before it got worst..