laen kali bgtahu awal2 bukan bagitahu pukul 9.25pm

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Saying goodbye to 2021

 2021 was a very hard year to get through. 

Earlier in 2021, there were some dark moments when I kind of have been put aside when other people is dealing with some difficult time. It was really confusing and frustrating too. Since then my insecurities have gotten worse and even until now I think I can just be pushed aside again at any moments, maybe for a while, maybe for good.

As days goes by, 2021 became more difficult for my family. I lost count at how many times I broke down for so many reasons. Watching my mother cry countless times. It used to be a rare sight because my mother usually don't break down in front of us. Thinking about my nieces and their future and the possibility of getting further apart from them. Seeing my brother dealing with his broken heart and him losing cool at times. Swallowing the fact that I have kind of being deceived by my ex-SIL this whole time and trying to unlove her when all this while I have always enjoyed having a sister. 

All so painful to witness. So heartbreaking to deal with. Sometimes when it became too much to handle I just isolate myself at my "woman cave", watch Netflix all day long and just refuse to do anything productive. This has been my main coping mechanism, which is why until now, getting this studio has been my favourite impulsive purchase. 

To be fair to 2021, there were also some good parts too. Started my job at a new place was very refreshing and challenging at the same time. I have to admit there are still so many things to learn. In fact, maybe my skill hasn't improved that much but I take this year as my observation period. Moving on to this year, I will have to start to invest on things that will improve my quality of work and enhance my skills. I had a very interesting offer to take over a very established clinic but had to decline it as I have still so much to learn. Semoga ada rezeki yang lebih baik in the future.

I was also glad to volunteer as C19 vaccination team. When I left my last job, money was not the main issue. I left because I felt useless, stuck doing almost nothing when the nation was fighting a pandemic. So when I resigned, I wanted to make sure I can still do something for the community and the opportunity to volunteer is something I wouldn't miss. 

Overall 2021 was not a year that I want to relive. Realistically, things wouldn't magically get better overnight, so 2022 might not be that easy too. However, I do hope that things get better over time. I don't have big expectations for 2022. I just want less bad things and tears, or at least grant me with strength and ketabahan hati, maybe colder heart so I don't have feelings anymore.