laen kali bgtahu awal2 bukan bagitahu pukul 9.25pm

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Saying goodbye to 2021

 2021 was a very hard year to get through. 

Earlier in 2021, there were some dark moments when I kind of have been put aside when other people is dealing with some difficult time. It was really confusing and frustrating too. Since then my insecurities have gotten worse and even until now I think I can just be pushed aside again at any moments, maybe for a while, maybe for good.

As days goes by, 2021 became more difficult for my family. I lost count at how many times I broke down for so many reasons. Watching my mother cry countless times. It used to be a rare sight because my mother usually don't break down in front of us. Thinking about my nieces and their future and the possibility of getting further apart from them. Seeing my brother dealing with his broken heart and him losing cool at times. Swallowing the fact that I have kind of being deceived by my ex-SIL this whole time and trying to unlove her when all this while I have always enjoyed having a sister. 

All so painful to witness. So heartbreaking to deal with. Sometimes when it became too much to handle I just isolate myself at my "woman cave", watch Netflix all day long and just refuse to do anything productive. This has been my main coping mechanism, which is why until now, getting this studio has been my favourite impulsive purchase. 

To be fair to 2021, there were also some good parts too. Started my job at a new place was very refreshing and challenging at the same time. I have to admit there are still so many things to learn. In fact, maybe my skill hasn't improved that much but I take this year as my observation period. Moving on to this year, I will have to start to invest on things that will improve my quality of work and enhance my skills. I had a very interesting offer to take over a very established clinic but had to decline it as I have still so much to learn. Semoga ada rezeki yang lebih baik in the future.

I was also glad to volunteer as C19 vaccination team. When I left my last job, money was not the main issue. I left because I felt useless, stuck doing almost nothing when the nation was fighting a pandemic. So when I resigned, I wanted to make sure I can still do something for the community and the opportunity to volunteer is something I wouldn't miss. 

Overall 2021 was not a year that I want to relive. Realistically, things wouldn't magically get better overnight, so 2022 might not be that easy too. However, I do hope that things get better over time. I don't have big expectations for 2022. I just want less bad things and tears, or at least grant me with strength and ketabahan hati, maybe colder heart so I don't have feelings anymore. 

Kitaran Kerisauan

Back here to my old tempat meluah segala kerisauan that I have abadoned for a while. Sorry blog. I turned to you only in sorrow and worries nowadays.

And I am in my highest peak of kitaran kerisauan these days.

People left and right are moving on with their lives. It kinda puts up pressure to me. Friends of my age are getting married. Friends having new babies. I mean, I am really happy for them but it kinda makes me more, like a loser. Am i going to end up alone for the rest of my life? I mean, for some reason I am not really that lonely. I do have my company but in the end, I am still all by myself with all the uncertainties.

Career wise, although I am very thankful with where I am right now but I still think I need to start doing more. Seeing people start progressing with the careers taking up courses here and there made me feel very much kebelakang. Of course I have taken the giant leap of faith by resigning almost a year ago, if I have stayed at the same place I don't know what will happen to my skills but I think it's just not enough.

All of these are making me worried and sad and I just don't know how to comfort myself. I always turned to working out for my source of endorphin but had my right leg injured so this is really a bummer. Ended up crying and worrying and more worrying. I know this won't solve the problem but at the moment that's all I can do.

Bersabarlah duhai hati. Just keep on trusting His plan. Sesungguhnya hanya Dia Maha Mengetahui 😔

Hey GEMOKNYA!

 Aku stress lah sebab gemok ni. So stressed til I come out with this post 😭

It is so hard to shed off even 1 kg these days. So hard. But I tried to do a bit of briskwalk every other day. But still not enough to shed off my weight. Of course la makan pun susahnya nak jaga nowadays. Entah kenapa la. Do I need to go under the knife to shed off some kilos. Masalahnya aku bukan kaya macam ehem ehem nak buat gastric bypass 🙊

Beskal pulak...I was traumatized after starting on cleat because I fell off a few times and injured my knee. Both my bad knee and okay knee. Can't afford to injured them anymore. Sekarang ni ada phobia lain macam bila naik basikal. I hope I get over this phase soon and regain my confidence back. Hwaaa tak seronok ya sampai menggeletar-geletar kalau naik basikal ni sebab trauma!

This post is going nowhere, I see. Just luahan budak gemok sebab gemok, tapi malas berusaha nak kurus. Makan suka, gemok tak suka. Biasaaaaa dia tu. 

How is my life ? Loving my job so far. Except the part that I haven't got my vaccine against C19, working life is so far so gooood. Kalau kerja lama aku dah pegang placard "saya sudah divaksinkan" or something liddat la. Of course, hari-hari pergi kerja kau akan nervous akan cabaran yang mendatang, but that also got me going too. Hari-hari I am humbled by the experience. Cemana nak handle makcik cranky. Cemana jangan balas api dengan api, kalau patient datang dalam marah macammana kau nak jadi yang lebih tenang. Got my surgery room reorganized. Siap beli speaker, pasang diffuser nak bagi aura ketenangan. Over je kau nyah jangan hangat-hangat taik ayam sudeyh. Overall, Alhamdulillah. Best decision ever made so far 😆

A Whole New World

 Hello 2021, apparently the twin sister of 2020 eyh? 

Started in my new workplace. A whole new world for me. Eventhough I have been working here for 5 years but that was on part time basis. Now that I'm working full time, it does feel very different. Like all this while I have been doing basic stuff, but now I'm facing a more, real, stuff.

I wanted some challenges in my career after feeling a little bit plateaued from my previous workplace, bamm I got thrown various challenges on this first 10 days. I feel like a student all over again and it made me even more alarmed of much of a comfort zone I was in the past 6 years. In my first 3 days, I have already seen multiple challenging cases and different kind of people. I was flustered at first. But no I'm slowly picking up myself and try to relearn everything.

We are in our MCO state yet again. I was worried at first. I mean, my pay is really relying on the number of cases I handle. But then again I began to see the hikmah behind this. At least I got more time to learn about things. Alhamdulillah, things...so far has been so good. Tapi bila kerja macamni, kebergantungan pada Allah tu jadi lebih tinggi dari biasa. Like each day I wake up I pray that everything goes well.

Menyesal kah quit? Alhamdulillah so far tidak. I got what I want. I want to wake up and feel excited going to work. I don't want my career to go stagnant doing same things day in day out. I get to do stuff. The more I do, the more I get insyaAllah. But it's never really about the $$, it's about making my career alive, again. Tapi tipu la kalau tak rindu UiTM. 6 tahun menghadap rutin yang sama mestila ada rasa kehilangan. But I'm loving my 10am punch in time because a lot of things can be done from the moment I wake up, until before I leave for work. Balik tu je la ada rasa lambat sikit but so far okay la. Not too bad.

Here's to a whole new year, and a whole new world. Semoga yang baik-baik aja untuk hari ini, esok dan selamanya.